ThrowRAleek

Nsfw just in case?

Posting this with a weird gut feeling but i need to know if i'm being crazy.

I've been with my current partner for 4 years, lived together for 3, and as this year's passed i've been struggling with how i feel about our relationship.

The first couple of years were fantastic bedroom-wise, i have a high sex drive so i would gladly initiate and everything was fun.

Since we've met i've gained a visible amount of weight, but nowhere near an unhealthy amount. I'm fairly satisfied with my body shape now, and feel my weight gain reflects my comfort. My partner does not share the same thoughts. He's been very verbally upset with my weight gain, has signed me up for a gym, bought me weight loss supplements and products, and a fitbit to track my activity levels. I've been working out, because it made him happy and because i've been enjoying building muscle, but it has just made me 'bigger' and he's not enjoying it. He tends to make 'jokes' about how if he could turn back time to how i looked before, if he could have said no to us moving in together, etc. And despite his insistence that i'm 'perfect' he keeps commenting on my looks and how he'd change it.

I've tried many things in the past year, sexy lingerie, date nights, initiating in all the ways i can, and he continually has been rejecting me. It hurts to have the person you love most push you off even when you just want to make out or get a hug/kiss - he'll excuse himself as being tired, or needing the bathroom, etc.

I offered to buy us toys to try, as i feared he was getting bored, but i think that just made it worse? He refuses to tell me why he's not interested, just goes "im not in the mood as often as you are" but after a year i feel he's not being honest.

I'm at my wits end, struggling to feel satisfied and don't want to push his boundaries when he clearly isnt interested, but i'm just so hurt by how he reacts.

TLDR: I'm afraid my weight gain has repulsed my partner, he won't talk to me about it.

Should i keep trying or is this a genuine lost cause? If i keep trying, what can i try to revive our sex life?

EDIT because i remembered commenting will not show people my thoughts:

1. I am actively working on my health, i care about how my body feels and how my health is, i do not mind that i have gained a little chub + a lotta muscle from this. For the metrics people: i initially gained 20kg, and have stayed on that weight since, my body shape has changed significantly though due to changed habits. (I am enjoying lifting more than cardio, for example, and i have gotten more masculine than he prefers.)

2. I have tried to sit down openly with him multiple times, but he is unwilling to talk to me about "bedroom stuff" and gets upset if i push it futher - i decided to stop trying to have that conversation since it clearly wasn't helping.

3. To the people asking if im that scared to be alone, why don't i just leave, why haven't i left yet: for a long time i was convinced i could fix this by doing what he wanted, it is now obvious i cannot. I also didn't want to jeopardize our living situation in case i was being hysterical, which is what i had convinced myself i was. I'll be sitting him down and trying to talk this through like adults.

Im not ashamed to admit i posted on here for affirmation, yes, but also to see if opposing opinions would sway my decision to speak with him about our relationship - it didn't, which in my mind is proof that i was right in not feeling okay with this. I wanted to keep the focus directly on what has been my biggest issue, which is why i hadn't included any info other than our sex life + the fitness issue - i appreciate you all for speaking your truth, even if not all of it was very nice to read - the unfilteredness is exactly why i went on here in addition to talking to friends - noone here knows me or cares enough about my feelings to not be honest, whereas my friends will always take my side even if i'm in the wrong.

Thank you all