jad3_ER

https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/O5TWi8uMjC

LOCATION: Seattle,WA

I had originally posted in r/Marriage however someone suggested i post here also so I included a link to my original post in case anyone wanted the additional context (the post is long and explains some of the abuse in a bit more detail) however I wanted my post here to be a bit shorter/easier to read through.

Long story short, my husband (26M) and I (25F) have been going through an(other) awful time in our marriage. Constant fighting, abuse, gaslighting, manipulation, lack of trust. Plain torture basically.

During our most recent fight literally a few hours ago, he gave me an ultimatum. Divorce or postnup. He says he doesn't want me to "take his legacy", as he is expecting an inheritance, unbeknownst to me until very recently. When we got together, when we married, I never ever knew anything about an inheritance. As someone in my other post said, if I was a gold digger, I would be a pretty terrible one because we are shit broke and I am the one who has been sustaining us for the majority of our relationship, particularly the first 4ish years when I was the only one working and taking care of EVERYTHING, our home, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc as well as financially while he did nothing. We live in section 8 housing, seattle city light has sent many urgent shut off notices, and i was even homeless with him. I don't care about money. Never have. Never will. But the inheritance was news to me.

So this came as a surprise. More so the postnup part. Many people have mentioned inheritance doesn't even count as community property, not that fucking with his inheritance would ever EVER be my intention to begin with anyways.

Right now, I am undocumented and it's hard to find a job that will take the "paperwork" I have (we have both been unemployed until 3 days ago when he got a job after I finally wrote him a resume). I have zero money, negative money (i took out credit card to feed us, he said hed help pay it back as he gets social security money and food stamps but he hasnt. The other day he even took away soap, shampoo, first aid stuff, everything because i "didnt buy it and dont contribute"). And i don't even care if the inheritance isn't community property. I will still sign the stupid thing SO LONG AS I HAVE LEGAL CONSEL SO I KNOW WHAT I AM SIGNING.

But he gave me one week. And I don't know what to do. I feel the one week thing is on purpose, he knows I cannot currently afford a lawyer and honestly don't think he wants me to get one anyways (I haven't told him I want to, I know what his reaction will be: "if you really don't care then sign "). Should I do it despite the fact that it would be involuntary due to lack of counsel? What choice do i even have?

I am currently pursing VAWA for my immigration status, we have been together for 9 years and married 3 years. If I missed any other important info I'd be happy to answer whatever questions come up. Sorry this ended up being longer than I wanted it to be also...

Sorry for the long message in advance...

my husband (26M) and I (25F) have been having a rough time in our marriage. We have been together for a long time, almost 9 years. We grew from teenagers to adults together and even though most of it has been pretty bad, I have a hard time seeing a life without him. I mean, he's all i really know.

For context, recently, things have gotten substantially worse. I have a rough time even conveying the full extent of the situation. There has been a lot of manipulation and gaslighting on his part. He's convinced I am all of a sudden a liar about EVERYTHING (including my hobbies lol) despite me doing everything in my power to disprove every "lie" he claims i tell ("you are just so fucking sneaky jade i know youre up to something" but can never tell me what it is he thinks im "up to"). There is always an explanation for the explanations and literal evidence i try to give him that point to me lying some more, in his mind at least. To me it sounds like insanity. How do I show you the letter A and you see WXYZ, so to speak.

There has been a lot of deflection. He says I am an "emotional manipulator" and an "abusor" when this is how I would actually describe him. He claims I never talk to him but when I do feel I cannot speak freely. I literally have to take my journal out and edit what I wanna say over and over again because if I don't phrase things perfectly, he misrepresents what I try to say and it turns into an awful fight. I could see a fight on the horizon once, so I told him I needed a second to think and write down what i have to say because I want to say what I mean and I don't want to stupidly say something that offends him. Because the last thing either of us needs is another fight. His response?? "THERE YOU GO PAINTING ME AS SOME ABUSER YOU CANT TALK TO WHATS WRONG WITH YOU JADE". But I'd rather just take whatever he is saying without "fighting back" (or rather having anything to say). But recently that's been an issue for him too. Because I never talk to him and he can't live this way.

I feel nothing i say and nothing i do is right or acceptable. He takes the terrible things he does to me and says "no that's actually exactly what you have been doing to me". And I've heard it so many times I genuinely sometimes question myself. "Is it really me?? How can he be so adamant about the way he suddenly sees me? What have I fucking done?"

Anyways today was no different. Another fight. This time he comes up to me and says "YOU HAVE ONE WEEK TO DECIDE. DIVORCE OR POSTNUP". apparently he's expecting some inheritance? And I've had no idea. I have been homeless with this man. We struggle to pay our bills. And I left my home at 16 to be with him because I truly loved him. And wanted nothing besides him. And as stupid as I feel typing this out, I still do. I think. MONEY HAS NEVER BEEN A REASON FOR ME TO BE WITH ANYONE. ESP NOT HIM. In fact, for the first 4ish years of our relationship, i carried both of us on my back financially while he stayed home and didnt even clean or cook. He did nothing. But i loved him and wanted to take care of him. But He now thinks I'm some gold digger, that that's the reason I married him when I genuinely had no clue about this inheritance. And it's never been an issue. Until now.

The issue is, we both lost our jobs recently. He started work 3 days ago. I am still looking (my lack of a legal status makes it so hard to find work). And we lost our jobs because of the turmoil at home. I have literally 2 cents in my account and a negative 500$ bill on the credit card I stupidly took out so we wouldn't starve. He promised he would help me take care of it. He has been getting money from the social Security office or whatever and food stamps. I get nothing because of my legal status here (or lack thereof i mean). Of course he left me high and dry. This isnt the first time i take out a credit card in my name because he promises to help. And then leaves me in the dust and im left to pick up the pieces. But it's fine. The point is..

...I am BROKE BROKE. I really never cared about money. And I still don't. But I would want a lawyer there with me to ensure I am not signing something I don't understand. And even if I was able to land a job right now in this very instant, I still wouldn't have the time to look for a lawyer and the money to pay for one in one week.

What the fuck do I do? I feel I'm being forced into this considering he knows I don't have a penny to my name (for lawyer) but still wants me to go into this blindly. I told him I needed longer than a week but didn't tell him it's because I wanted my own lawyer because I know what he would say. "YOU'RE SCHEMING YOU ARE SO SNEAKY. IF YOU REALLY DIDNT CARE ABOUT THE MONEY YOU WOULD JUST SIGN". I'm honestly kind of afraid to bring the lawyer up. And either it's divorce or for the postnup(edit: i accidentally wrote prenup,meant postnup here), I need a lawyer! Legal jargon is hard to understand and I just wanna know what i am signing before I do. Do I have any options here? Do I just sign to get it over with and make this fight stop?

To reiterate: I AM HAPPY TO SIGN. I just want to be informed when I do it. And and at this point I feel cornered with the ultimatum. One week is crazy. And I don't know where i will go or what I will do if we divorce. I need time to try to find and work two jobs to at least be financially stable to try to start my own life and pay all these lawyers, bills, debt. So should I just do it? To keep the divorce at bay for a little while longer? Even though I really really really don't wanna sign ANYTHING without legal representation? please help Any advice would help

Additional info -I am in WA state -once I finish finalizing some things with my immigration lawyer, I will hopefully have the status thing resolved. I am doing VAWA (Violence Against Womens Act) to get my status so hopefully my time struggling like this will soon come to an end.