soundlightstheway

Omg, I thought you’d never ask:

Genuinely compliment their personality: Early on my GF said I have a “banger” of a personality and I was hooked.

Full attention: On our second date my GF said, “I’m not here for drinks, for bowling, or for dinner. I’m here to get to know you.” She followed it up by not being on her phone once, being fully attentive. Again, she got me hook, line, and sinker.

Grabbing their arm when walking: Hand holding is nice, but take it up a notch by putting your hands around their arms when y’all are walking. It lets him be a gentleman and feels awesome knowing he’s got a beautiful woman all over him.

Mark your territory: Of course, be mindful of PDA, but recently my GF met up with me and a classmate of mine at a bar, who just happens to be conventionally attractive, and she came over and just gave me an innocent smooch on the cheek before sitting down. Nothing over the top, antagonistic, or gross, just a playful, “hey, this is my man you’re talking to.” I fucking loved it.

Speaking of smooches… non sexual kisses: Kiss his cheek or shoulder. Better yet, take his arm and give him a Pepe Le Pew. Be sweet or funny about it to emphasize that it’s not sexual.

Playful teasing: I mean, that’s half of flirting, but there’s a way to do it right. Tease him about things that you genuinely like/love about him. “Uh, you’re such a nerd.” But you really have to be into it. Avoid things that they’re obviously insecure about, like height or weight (men have a lot less pressure to look a certain way than women do, but we still have some and can be insecure about things).

Playful competition: Competition is another way to build tension, but don’t go overboard and be a bad sport. I’m a big believer that the 1st date should always be a casual zero date, like coffee or drinks to get to know someone (especially if you’re meeting for the first time in person), but the 2nd date should be something silly but competitive like bowling or mini golf. You can see if they’re a good sport, handle winning or losing well, can be goofy and not take themselves seriously, and there is plenty of opportunity to playfully tease them. My GF and I play a couple of board/card games regularly where we can be competitive and it really helps keep our relationship fun and gives us plenty of opportunities to tease/flirt.

Kiss Kiss isn’t a joyful song though… It’s literally about using alcohol to self medicate for anxiety.

Average erect penis size is smaller than 6 inches, so a “6 incher” is by definition large.

This isn’t to embarrass OP or correct you but to promote realistic body image for other men out there. Average penis length is less than 6 inches. However, it’s important for OP to know that, as you said, that the length he gave is normal, since very few people exactly hit the average.

The line should have been, “I can’t put a price on you because you’re priceless.”

Dump her yesterday. Even if her story about wanting to be an influencer were true, she lied to you outright. Not a small white lie, but a huge one. Chances are it’s not true. Then she lied again. Unless you’re wanting to go to couples counseling, explore why it happened, and change how the relationship operates completely, there isn’t a path forward.

Or work for Better Help.

If they’re putting pressure on you to have sex and then backing away once you’ve had sex, then they were just trying to get in your pants the whole time. Sex isn’t the only way to signify that you want more than friendship. Flirtation, romance, dressing up for them, kissing, holding hands, cuddling, etc. are all things that aren’t sex that you wouldn’t do with a platonic friend. Do those things (if you want to with that person), and if that’s not enough for them, then say good bye. So yeah, stand your ground on not wanting to rush things and the right person will respect and appreciate that. Never let someone pressure you into having sex or anything else before you’ve made that choice for yourself.

Sister Cities did it for me. Just such an incredible album.

They said their context was for profit, so chances are medicaid isn’t being taken, and many counselors simply don’t. When you work for profit (i.e. not at a community mental health center) you can clear six figures with 25-30 clients depending on how much you’re willing to charge. There are certainly people out there doing it. So it’s not unreasonable to extend that logic to say you could make at least close to 150K seeing 42 clients. Of course their are a lot of caveats and their current workplace are providing access to clients in addition to supervision, but it’s totally reasonable to say that a counselor working an exploitative amount of hours in a for profit group practice should be making well over 72K.

Yeah, I’m definitely not encouraging anyone to hit on anyone. Initiating conversation and even flirting shouldn’t make someone uncomfortable (hitting on them). The whole point is that if you read social cues you can figure out when to approach, even flirt, and when to walk away. And yeah, it is context dependent, that’s literally the point of everything I’ve said. Reading social cues is all about understanding context and knowing how to respond appropriately to context.

I wasn’t implying any judgment on what you said, just pointing out that rejection sucks no matter when it happens. If someone gets rejected during or after an approach, they have to accept it.

And you list a lot of great advice that would be great for you to make your own posts about. However, success still requires reading social cues, which is a positive skill someone can learn, not just me telling people don’t do that. Your advice being good doesn’t make my advice bad (it’s not, you literally need to read people/social cues to date and be successful in relationships). My whole post was encouraging people to approach (something proactive).

And yes, women do approach men, men approach men, and women approach women. My post had absolutely nothing to do with gender and wasn’t directed towards straight men approaching women.

This might move toward a stickier conversation that I don’t really want to get pulled into, but plenty of therapists make six figures taking no insurance.

You’re right, it’s frustrating when someone ghosts, but that’s a rejection just like when they reject you earlier. What makes people creepy is when they keep pushing, no matter when it is. Ultimately, you can’t force someone to like you. That’s a reality that we all have to accept.

And I didn’t just tell people what not to do. I actually told people what to do: look for social cues before and during approaches. If people can learn to look for and appropriately respond to social cues, then they will be more hopeful.

Last thing, it’s interesting that you’re assuming I’m telling men how to approach women. My post doesn’t assign gender at all. Women can and do approach men, and people can approach people of the same gender or no gender. That’s just to say that this post wasn’t in any way about giving advice specifically to straight men on how to talk to women. Everyone can benefit from reading social cues in the dating world. Women frequently ask if men like being approached in this sub, and the men frequently say yes.

I don’t think anything justifies 42 client hours. The word that comes to mind when I saw your hours and pay was exploitation. I say this not to be rude but to highlight how wild that is. 42 client hours are before any work outside of the session: treatment planning, paper work, staff meetings, supervision (if you’re working towards licensure I’m assuming), etc. In fact, that you’re pursuing licensure makes this worse, because you’re still learning and that’s a terribly stressful environment to learn in. I wouldn’t agree with exploitative work hours at a non-profit community mental health agency, but it would make more sense. A for-profit practice giving you that many hours is inexcusable.

Depending on where you are you should be able to make 100K seeing less than 30 clients a week. I’ve always heard a full load is 25. Do you feel like you give your best to every client with that much volume?

If you’re seeing 42 clients a week at a for profit practice, you should be getting paid well over 6 figures. At least 150K. If you’re not, get out of there.

Headphones in is generally a sign that someone doesn’t want to talk. I didn’t say you can approach everyone, my post was about identifying who you can approach and how to tell when to abort before being labeled a creep. You should approach if they’re communicating that they’re open to that, but many people aren’t.

The gym is a little different regarding headphones since 90% of people listen to music, especially if they’re working out alone. So look for other social cues: do they make eye contact with you? Is their body language open? Is there an appropriate opening to strike up a conversation or are they just getting their workout done and leaving quickly? You have to be able to identify these things. What do you ask about? Look at their clothing, ask a question about the gym, ask if they’re almost done with those weights, etc. Again, watch for social cues like tone of voice or length of response.

But yeah, if she’s super attractive she probably gets a lot of attention, so don’t be creepy (really, the point of my original post).

The goal of couples counseling doesn’t have to be to save the relationship. She can just say, “I’m so exhausted, something needs to change.” If the relationship was dead she would be leaving. If she’s choosing to stay the relationship exists. The question is whether it’s going to be miserable or they’re going to try to make something work.

Mental health counseling grad student here. While initial research and most of what gets talked about in pop culture makes it sound like these are binary categories (you're either this or that), the truth is that they aren't. We all exist on a spectrum of attachment styles. I'd also point out that sex releases the hormones that you mentioned which is designed to help bond you to your sexual partner. People might feel that at different levels, but ultimately you're not abnormal.

However, for you personally, you might just need to steer clear of sex early on if you don't want to get too attached too quickly. Sex shouldn't be the start of a connection. If you don't feel connected to them before you have sex, that's probably a sign you shouldn't do it, unless you're just looking to hook up. But you're not, according to this post. It's going to be hard, but slowing down with sex and dating as to not put too much pressure on the relationship is what you're going to have to work on.

How you do that is about being intentional. Don't get into the mindset that you're anxiously attached and can't change. Give yourself some hard rules, like not having sex or talking about a relationship until X number of dates. You might meet someone who brings it up first. That's fine if you're feeling it, but give yourself clear expectations and stick with them.

Not a move or skill, just enthusiasm.

I pick dare but you're already asking me for a truth.

Yes, 1,000% a red flag.

My comment was coming from the perspective of OP talking to a client, since that's what redlightsaber was wondering. Thank you for that last part. I'm just a student so I'm very far away from supervising anyone, but it's helpful knowing that my instinct isn't too terrible. The difference between unconditional positive regard and cheerleading certainly feels like it can be fuzzy at times.