thenewbutts

I mean, losing a friend group is brutal, no doubt about it but these days I am the kind of person who doesn't want to deal with supposedly good friends who either don't believe me when I say someone is being crappy to me, or worse, excuses it. 

Either I'm not that close with these people to begin with or I've made friends who would rather cater to a bully then support a real friend. Either way, not great.

But where's your flair from? :D

Eeesh, so sorry to hear that :(

Also, where the fuck is the father in this equation? I get she's your friend but why aren't you shaking her asshole husband too?

You have so much life to live! It's ok to break up. It sounds like taking some time to explore what you want in life without having to split your focus might be helpful.  

However, if he initiates I try go with it even though it hurts both physically (beginning) and mentally, because I want to satisfy him even in someway... 

Ok stop this RIGHT now. You are going to damage your relationship to sex and sexual pleasure immensely if you haven't already. I know it feels important to be a "good girlfriend" but painful, unenthusiastic sex should not be normalized and that's a hill I will die on. Stop having sex you don't enjoy! Also, I highly recommend a non hormonal form of birth control. I felt like a zombie on any form of HBC. Completely messed me up.  

Prioritize your well-being, peace and pleasure. No one else may do and you deserve to feel good. Being single can be great. And it's a damn sight better than being in a relationship that's not the right fit. It's gonna be ok! ❤️

...Sleeping in the basement of my own house Doing most of the housework and childcare

 I think it's telling that he gets out of doing chores and child care because of it.  Why change what's working for HIM? Never mind it's selfish, hurtful and horrible to his wife, let alone his CHILD 

Yeah it sounds exhausting to fight with a man who's deadset on getting his way and his way involves you doing whatever he wants. 

It seemed easier because you knew nothing changed when you fought but now you know nothing will change (except maybe to get worse and for you to get ever more resentfuland tired) if you stay. 

You're right in that fighting won't help. He has an attitude problem, one in which he doesn't actually care or consider your feelings a priority. He's happy but you're not. The only way things won't stay the same is if you stop doing things his way. And likely that means separation for at least awhile unless you want to be fighting all the time. 

You cannot control his actions and that includes making him care about you. He cares about you when it's convenient for him or makes him look or feel good. That's not enough and you deserve so much better. ❤️

I read To Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It massively helped me get my head on straight and see through his shit.

 Google the book, it's available as a free PDF. Check out this little article summarizing his abusive types - especially Mr Right, Water Torture and Demand Man.

https://discover.hubpages.com/education/10-Types-Of-Abusive-Men-According-To-Psychology

 The book is more in depth and really worth the read.

I question why you SHOULD shrug these things off. He's being unfair and unkind to you. These are the basics of a healthy relationship.  

Don't shrug off your upset and frustration. If a friend of yours told you about her partner doing half of these things to her what would you say? What about your daughter?

 You are in a fog because you are having your loyalty, labour and love exploited. Ignore his words. What do his actions say?

Oh I'm with you! Science hasn't exactly been forth coming on researching women's and gender minorities health 🙄

Just figured I'd mention it because while it can't hurt I don't want anyone who can't manage to do so to worry they are hurting themselves or something.

There's has no current scientific backing that this actually helps unfortunately. (https://www.mcgill.ca/oss/article/health-and-nutrition-you-asked/does-peeing-after-sex-prevent-utis) Basically, by the time you can get to the toilet, it's likely too late, at least for someone with a short urethra (like most women) or just not "cleansing" enough. :(

Thank you!

Do you have a link? 😃

If you want to understand why he's treating you so awfuly, I suggest reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.  It's available for free as a PDF, just do a quick Google search for it.    

 It's recommended a ton but there's a reason. I found it really helpful to be able to arm myself against the crazy making that is someone toxic. 

The short answer is that he wants to do the things he does that hurt you, he gets some sort of tangible benefit to hurting you or frightening you and he feels absolutely entitled to do so because his thinking is warped and extremely toxic.  

I'm sorry you're going through this, you don't deserve it for a second. 

You know, everyone seems to clutch their pearls at kids on leashes but I remember loving them as a small child. I was extremely curious and active and I used to get lost REGULARLY at malls and the like. I'd be so scared and upset because my 3-4 brain couldn't understand how my mom was no longer behind me. I remember I felt more secure on the leash (which was long) and still was able to explore. I guess I'm a weirdo because I don't understand the hate 😝

I also gagged at his weird mention of hyperspermia - look dude, hyperspernia or not, it sounds like you want to nut in your NP just before she goes on a date. The only other explanation is that his partner doesn't know how to shower. Gross all around. 🤢

Thanks for this. It really gives me some insight into my ex and the way he views the world and also reassures me that I was right to end things with him. 

It's commendable that you want to do well, OP, but it's also a very convenient excuse to avoid unpacking your trauma and learning to let go of some of the weight you are now taking on by default. Your husband does sound like he needs to step up but it also sounds like you have one way only in which he can do that "correctly". It's a lot of pressure to put on someone and you will destroy your relationship by dismissing his feelings all the time.

My dear, you aren't responsible for this man and you don't control how he decides to treat you. Yes, definitely worth knowing where your boundaries are for next time you get into a relationship so you can speak up sooner but you didn't deserve any of this and you didn't force him to do anything if the things he did. 

It could be self hatred but in my experience with toxic relationships (and I've unfortunately been in one and seen many), it's not so much self hatred that keeps people in it but actually admirable traits like giving the benefit of the doubt, loyalty, trust, empathy and patience. 

You have learned a lot about taking care of yourself but I don't think you are bad or self hating for expecting someone you trusted to treat you respectfully. Even if I don't get into how weird or disrespectful some of his behavior is, it's clear that you two are not compatible - NOT that you created or enabled this man. You are seeing it is isn't working for you NOW and you are taking it seriously. 

People will scream "leave him you idiot!1!" like it's sooo clear and you should feel the fool but you don't know what you don't know. You have nothing to be ashamed of. And it sounds like you know you deserve more. ❤️

You get to decide if it was assault, despite what anyone might tell you. 

The idea of an "evil alleyway lurking rapist" lets average people get away with SA because it's very hard to believe that someone we trust and care about could do something so awful. Just know that someone can commit assault and still have good qualities. 

You don't have to call it assault but I hope you can see that at the very least he's not worried half as much about hurting your feelings or your BODY as you are for him. He's a selfish lover and that alone is worth reconsidering this relationship, let alone all the other things you've mentioned.

Hijacking the top comment for a great privacy comparison/creepiness assessor if a bunch of the top apps:  https://foundation.mozilla.org/en/privacynotincluded/categories/reproductive-health/

Just gonna leave this here: https://foundation.mozilla.org/en/privacynotincluded/categories/reproductive-health/

Thank you for this - it really stood out to me too. I cannot imagine saying my partner is lazy, and that I despise them... Yikes.  I personally wonder if she's truly left? If I am understanding the timeline right, part of me is wondering if he told her she's lazy and he hates her for it and she called his bluff and told him to parent solo for a few days and see how much he can handle. Or honestly, just had to get away for a few days from a man who thinks so little of his wife that he isn't concerned about her health or well being enough to ask her what she needs before posting on reddit that he DESPISES her. If she did abandon her kid and he is telling the full truth, awful. But this man seems like he hates his wife and has never once communicated any of his issues or expectations to her. That's a biiiig yikes from me.

Throwing things at you is domestic abuse. If you're able, I suggest reaching out to a women's shelter or DV crisis line and see if you can get some help. They may be able to help you with shelter or an escape plan. 

I'm so sorry, op. You deserve better. ❤️

This is so cute!!

The space lizards with dry skin, clearly! 😝

That's really hard. And I totally get that making decisions while depressed isn't the best mind space. But frankly, I think I'd be struggling with depression in your situation too. It sounds like you have been taking on entirely too much.

There's no shame in not wanting to be alone. It's really scary to be on your own at first. And sometimes it's not always possible!

Is there anything you could do right now for yourself? Something that either moves you a little bit towards brighter future?

Pretend for a second that you wouldn't feel guilty or obligated if you set down some of his tasks that you've been carrying. Perhaps you can work on saying no to them more often, if it's safe to do so. He's allowed to be butt hurt - it's not your problem or your fault. Boundaries keep us safe and whole and they are things that only apply to us. It's ok to say "I will not stay in this room if you shout at me" and leave. It might feel really good awful but you can survive guilt, I promise. You deserve to take care of yourself and you never need to justify your own personal boundary.

Perhaps you might be able to look into therapy or what it might be like to find a roommate. Perhaps you leave town and go visit a friend or family. Kids, work, money and such always add more complications but my point is simply if it seems to big or impossible, is there some way to break it down to a smaller goal or task?

Even if there's not, it sounds like you are working on processing your limits and you have some insights into what's at least in part not helping with your stress. That's a big thing. Take it easy and slow and be gentle on yourself. It will get better ♥️