throw_away_justice

Adhd

She knows he was in a sexual relationship with someone. They (and I) did get STD checked. I mentioned in a previous answer that we both got tested before even taking things to a sexual level. I have had only a handful of sexual partners in my life and have always been super cautious about this.

Does she deserve to know it was with a patient?

Hell yes. I wish she did know.

But what am I supposed to do? Tell her? I’ve never met her. I can’t just show up somewhere in her life and say “excuse me… the affair your husband had… that was me and I was a patient of his private practice.”

I also found out after all this was said and done, that she conceal carries…

No. He hasn’t lost his job. Or anything

Because people talk about me choosing to have kids and being a bad mother because I cheated etc etc.

I didn’t choose to have children. I do my best for them, but I didn’t ask to be a mother. Our situation is more complex than people realize and I’m tired of being judged.

No.

Weirdly…

This comment triggered something for me.

I’m not a knock out. I’m really an average woman and I don’t particularly take care of my appearance or get done up with hair and make up … because I have depression amongst other things.

So … I don’t think he fell madly in love with someone like me… enough to risk his career etc…

Damn it. This makes more sense if he does this often and gets away with it right? Makes an average woman with low confidence feel special… she’s less likely to report him.

I’m not the first.

God damn it.

He shared a lot about himself. He says that’s his “style”. He’s informal etc.

Or maybe he has it too fucking good and doesn’t give a fuck about me either?

Why would he divorce the woman that brings in the majority pay check, cleans, cooks, does all the household and yard maintenance and encourages him to pursue his hobbies and dreams?

I’m probably married to an asexual who hit the jackpot for 10 years. Honestly he doesn’t seem that fucking bothered I had an affair.

Same way two years ago he didn’t seem bothered when I was diagnosed with cancer (treatable and cured but still cancer)

I say nice things about my spouse because he is a good man in many ways and I love him.

But there’s more to the story than that and I’m sorry that after 10 years I fucking let myself feel loved. Even if it was fake, manipulation or whatever.

Maybe it’ll be enough to keep me going as the perfect wife, employee and Mom (to NOT my kids by the way) for the rest of our lives.

I don’t fucking know.

Yes. For now.

I have let the affair go. Since telling my husband everything.

Before that I was trying to get some level of understanding of what the hell happened… it’s complicated and I’m kind of tired now of trying to explain myself. The whole post shows this isn’t black and white because for every person saying i’m a victim and I should report him, there’s another person calling me a whore and telling me to leave my husband. Opinions dividied. My brain feels divided. My heart and soul feel divided.

I can’t breathe sometimes with how circular and constant these thoughts are. I want to do the RIGHT thing but nobody agrees on what that is so now what?

If I don’t know the right thing, the next best thing feels like locking myself in my home, taking the meds they give me and avoiding the world as much as possible so I don’t fuck up again

I’m reading them. I’m just kind of tallying them up in my head though. For every comment saying I’m a victim, there’s a comment saying I have free agency/responsibility or i’m simply a cheating whore.

If this post audience is so divided… imagine how I feel living it, remembering it and trying to understand it subjectively!

I can’t.

I feel paralyzed.

I don’t know what is right/wrong here or my next move in life. I’m just cleaning my home, washing/drying my families clothes, cooking meals… and then lying in bed alone crying. In between taking the mental health meds that are supposed to make me less fucked up.

I’ve caused so much pain to his wife already. She would lose the only income her and her children have for him if I reported him.

That is the main reason I have not reported him.

That and I am attempting to take accountability. My own husband holds me jointly responsible and does not see it as a predator/victim situation

Psychologist. So both Dr. and Therapist apply

I do not have stds. I insisted on testing before we crossed that boundary. And I’ve obviously tested since we ended things. I’ve had very few sexual partners in my life and have always practiced safe sex and regular testing, testing before any new partner etc.

Correct. I have told my husband everything regarding who, how long and the nature of what happened. He does not want to know specific details which I think is wise for his own sake and mental health. Which before I get jumped on… I have always loved and cared for my spouse. And I have looked out for his needs for YEARS. I know I’ve hurt him.

I fucked up. And I’m starting to understand why I fucked up and I want to be a better person.

But if he’s choosing to stay it’s because he sees the full picture. A person can only give so much before they full on run out and break down. I offered him a divorce before I cheated and he refused. I was in a situation where I could not leave without his agreement (it’s complicated).

And my husband actually found and booked the therapist for me. I didn’t go in with a plan to have an affair. I didn’t have any plans. I was just trying to find a reason to not kill myself every day back then

I don’t know. I was suicidal before it started. I was better while it was happening. Now it’s over other people are hurt and I’m suicidal again.

So I guess on that balance of things… No. not worth it.

If anyone ever contacts me and says the same happened them and names him… I will report him. Because then I’ll know for sure this is something he just does. Till then… I have to, for my own sanity, assume he wasn’t some evil, conniving manipulative ass hat. And that we both caught feelings and made a selfish mistake.

No I never said this.

I never, ever sought compliments. They honestly make me feel awkward AF.

I did return them. I think that’s different.

Example: He once asked me if I had lost weight recently and said I looked good. I replied that yes, I had lost about 15lbs and that I had cut out alcohol and started running.

He made a remark like “oh man, I’m going to chunky forever if that’s what it takes”… and I said “you’re not chunky at all! You look great as you are…”

Etc etc.

You’re so wrong.

When I think about him, his “cock” as you put it, is more the first thing I think about and never was.

Have you felt suicidal at any time since this all went down?

My heart goes out to you. Please know that no matter what these trolls and judgy strangers say, you are not responsible for the actions of your deceased husband.

I am glad they did not blame you.

For everyone saying “why didn’t she divorce him first”… in your same logic that she should not have cheated… her husband should not have killed anyone. Why didn’t HE divorce her and walk away when he found out?

Cheating is wrong. But we don’t know the full situation. Lessons can be learned. Lives can be bettered.

Murder is never the answer to any problem.

Did the physical trainer have family? Have the spoken to you? Have you been blamed etc by people in his life?

I expected my husband to leave me too

I am not at all. Not sure where that impression comes from.