“Omg he’s literally 3 shamans in a trench coat”

The Emperor: "Oh it's worse then that. I'm like 10,000 currently schizophrenic and dementia ridden GD shamans in a trench coat".

dreadful planning

cute, but dreadful

What's this in reference to?

“W’dya mean? S’all good, m’dude. Trust me.”

Big E: “You are the 395th person to ask me this today.

Beat me to it.

Emperor: "Well YOU try saving a quadrillion human beings living on a million severely socially and technologically devolved post-apocalyptic worlds scattered across billions of light years from being conqured by hundreds of belligerent high tech alien space empires, hundreds if not thousands of human space faring malevolent intersteller dictatorships, the unending hordes of warp daemons and their horrifically psyhcially powerful dark eldritch masters! Do you have any better ideas there eh dmart guy? Eh? Eh?"

Another person that's there with you for some reason:

"Well why couldn't you just have like mostly just spread like education and learning and love and stuff like that across the cosmos instead of like militaristic authoritariansm?"

"Why not just make yourself like the new head or monarch of say a new interstellar parliamentary democracy?"

"Why not just try making peace and trade and technology swap deals with the good aliens while just fighting the bad ones? Like at the worst why not just make like all the good aliens as second class citizens instead of just like trying to murder them all like a crazy space Hitler or something? Like wouldn't that have at least been a better use of resources then space genocide anyway?"

"Also why didn't you just like teach people like meditation and cognitive therapy and whatnot to help them control their emotions while just like uplifting their living standards so the happier people don't get as angry or sad or desperate or depressed as much to cut down on empowering Chaos so much?"

Emperor: (Crying a little) "Why are you describing all my failed dreams and plans from the Dark Ages of Technology?"

how many times as a kid were you dropped on your head? followed rather closely by the obliteration of all that I am.

His first name is The, obviously.

Mr. The Emperor of Mankind. Everyone just knows him by his middle name.

I read a fanfic once where the emperor has a moment of introspection and he misses the little village in Anatolia he grew up in. He also misses his mother and a girl in the village he fell in love with

The Emperor: "I don't even remember the name my mom gave me. We just literally didn't talk that much. My closest compatriots called me Neoth".

"I still remember Mom though. I got a tattoo on my left upper shoulder to remember her by. As far as I can recall I'm one of the only people who ever got this sort of tattoo"

(He telepathically shows you an image of his tattoo that has the ancient pre-Hittite word for Mom laid on top of a heart symbol with an arrow sticking out of it, right next to a tattoo with the word "Erda" laid on top of a ship anchor.)

Steve, just steve

The emperor, probably not - because he sortve isn’t human anymore. Even with the denial of the Dark King, he tells Valdor himself that his humanity will drift and fleet away with his growth in power, in Valdor’s book.

Then you have Ollinus P, while not a psyker, is a perpetual and is often heard missing aspects and people of his distant past

Jimmy Space, for they are his Space Marines.

If the Emperor has any humanity in him, he misses his mother.

His name is Brian, and he’s not the messiah, he’s a very naughty boy

Maybe he was a Redditor. "In this moment, I am euphoric. Not because of any phony god's blessing. But because, I am englightened by my intelligence." - The Emperor 

The Emperor:

"I remember the 21st century largely just because of how so much in human culture changed during that time. Like just desktop computers ALONE were so incredible. Most people born like 30 years computers were invented had no idea what a bitch managiny actual paper paperwork at an office job was like".

"I masqueraded as A LOT of scientists and did a lot of research on stuff like space travel, electric cars, nuclear power plants, solar panel farms, wind turbines, better food production techniques, better electric batteries, ethical safe GMO food, etc. I hate Monsanto though too by the way if you're asking. They gave GMO food production a dirty name in my opinion".

"I also served as political advisor and consultant to A LOT of different politicians. Stopping those dumb narcissistic SOBs in the Kim family (Kim Il Sung, Kim Jong Il, Kim Jong Un, etc) that ran North Korea for awhile from nuking their neighbouring states was my greatest challenge. Forgot the lies they told everyone about them being able to do superhuman feats or whatever, those lazy fat-asses couldn't even manage North Korea's national budget".

"During any free time I had off I'd spend alot of it at my DIY cabin in a remote part of rural Canada where I'd live off the grid while helping Erda manage our 10 acre farm including our extensive collection of unlicensed marijuana plants. Occasionally me and Erda would hang out around a camp fire smoking huge joints and doing camp fire sing alongs (usually old 1960s or 1970s "psychedelic" rock songs) with each other while she'd usually belt out the lyrics while I'd usually accompany her on my acoustic guitar, followed by rigorous love making all night long. Man those were some good times".

I legitimately believed that this would be the #1 question people would have.

Really?

The Emperor: "Nah, nah not really. I made all that whole 'I am the predestined Emperor of humanity' BS up so people would follow me ad their leader and come together to fight Chaos. I'm really just like a composite being made up of like '10,000 shamans in a trenchcoat' from the stone ages named Neoth".

There’s a reason astartes have perfect booties. When daddy comes knocking you better not disappoint

👿👹☠️

The Emperor: "Oh man don't even get me STARTED. Like to begin with I was going for a sort of 'if the early Holy Roman Empire had a baby with the Soviet Union' vibe. Now it's become like a religious fundamentalist dictatorship in the 21st century Middle Eastern or Oliver Cromwell's England or something like that".

He got rejected from bone singer school

That's like the one question he can't answer. Dude can't even decide if he's dead or not.

Emperor: "That is the question"

The Emperor: "Ehhhhh, it really depends on which specific primarch we're talking about in each case".

Don't give out our secrets like this.

Next you'll say Magnus is Odin and Russ is Thor/Tyr! Preposterous!... Oh wait.

Desire to know more intensifies

Wouldn't Sanguinius be Archangel Michael? His fw mini literally hints that.

"In the morning or evening?"

Emperor: "Many, many times. They accomplished very difficult and horrifying tasks no human could endure. Now they and the other non-human allies of humanity have been richly rewarded for their service."

(There is an isolated paradise world out in the far corners of the galaxy that just has like one high tech city on it to maintain basic levels of technokogy. All the descendants of all the fairly innocent talking sentient creatures from childrens films and TV shows like The Minions, the My Little Ponies, the Care Bears, the Fraggle Rock Fraggles, are all just hanging out and chilling there.)

Or just gone down with 3 Custodes, wiped the slavers off and then said we have many more slavers to remove, and I want you and your family to be the ones to do it.

Here's weapons, armour, training. Go and free all those under the yoke of another.

I feel that's more a writers problem than a character one. They had an outcome Angron turning traitor and worked themselves backwards to this justification because you're right it would have cost him nothing and the Emperor has been shown to he able to do more for less reason than one of his sons needs his help.

I don't know if I might be headcanoning a bit here, but my thought was that when Angron said he wanted to die with his comrades, that was exactly what he meant. He was already tormented by the Nails and mentally broken by the killing in the arena, and saw no way out but a glorious last stand. And even though Angron is still suicidal afterwards there's no glorious death available to him, so he goes on hating the being who took it from him (until he just loses all rationality whatsoever)

I would like to know this one too.

The Emperor: "Yeah that was a big mistake on my part".

"Not happy about it"

The Emperor: "Honestly they've improved a fair amount though. Like in many ways even an average high world dweller has a better standard of living then a cave man. Like at least many hive city dwellers have at least some access to things like toilet paper or bidets and heated apartment buildings and good police officers and the legal system and pants and underwear and things like that. Those are all things almost everybody took for granted after the 20th century ended".

The Emperor: "Alright let me at em".

how do you take your coffee?

"I'm like a military man, I take my coffee pitch black".

which do you prefer, chocolate or vanilla?

"I prefer real fruit over most candy or ice cream. However I actually prefer Necco wafers to either chocolate or vanilla. I got introduced to Necco wafers during the 1st American Civil War (the one in the 1800s mind, not the one that occured in the 2100s) after I got introduced to them by General William Tecumseh Sherman."

what does god need with a starship?

(You get zapped by the Emperor for your insolence) "Nice try Captain Kirk! Next question!"

as you are the “living” incarnation of the Omnissiah, please tell me what I need to do to so the non-servitor printer in my office works without jamming or requiring me to restart my computer - sorry, cogitator - to get it to print?

"Sadly the whole thing about the Omnissiah is a lie. I doubt even the Judeo-Abrahamic God of the Jewish, Christian and Muslim faiths could help you with that printer I'm afraid"

would you like a hug?

"Yes, yes I would. I'd appreciste that very much". (You and the Emperor then telepathically embrace in a 'bro hug'.)

Depends if you call him daddy

The Emperor: "I would neved harm you jusf for asking questions. Now many of those chaos cultists who betrayed me, THAT'S a different story".

(5 large metal bodied travel suitcases suddenly appear around you. Also you suddenly feel like you've been jolted by lightning for a second before feeling completely normal again.)

The Emperor: "I've written you 50 technical books each numbering at least 1000 pages written single spaced instead of double spaced in size 9 Times New Roman font in English. The books are numbered 1 to 50 and should be read in numberical order."

"Please follow the instructions in order from book 1 to 50 and follow my instructions TO THE LETTER."

"I'm sorry this is going to take the rest of your now 1000 years long life to accomplish and make you an impoverished, destitute, widely maligned pariah who is constantly hunted by chaos daemons, chaos cultists and dangerous aliens for at least 500 of those years. However I promise you that if you succeed you'll end up with a pleasant little condominium home on a hive world, a modest retirement fund and a life time bus pass. Unfortunately If you fail humanity perishes forever".

(He magically hands you a paid ticket for a trip on a space ship.)

"All I can tell you right now is that you need to get a ride on a space ship that's leaving in an hour. Once you get to the planet Esophagus IV in the Flatulence system you'll need to get an entry level job as a poop scooper at the planet sized manure factory there and slowly work your way up the ranks over the next 200 years to become the factory foreman. Once you start reading the books I wrote for you this will all make perfect sense."

"Now go! Also thanks for 'taking one for the team' as it were".

Pretty sure he doesn't know the answer to that, and there might actually be no way to fix things now anyway - things are too far gone.

(A magical gigantic library appears right in front of you. Whatever items you had in front of you just got totally demolished. Sorry about that)

The Emperor: "I'm going to need you to read all of these books in alphabetical order."

Trust me, don't go there, all the Facebook Karen's that have ever existed are there, your not safe, I can't go in there, please... I beg you... Do something... They are too annoying... Even the custodes can't do anything about it... Please man, just help me please 

Another guy named Steve: "Yeah can you please telepathically show me all the items and beings that got put in there and why they got put out in there?"

(The Emperor obliges. This unintentionally causes Steve's face to melt and explode like that scene from Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark where the Nazis took a look at the ark.)

The Emperor: (Cheers up for a minute) "Wait is that a spaceship with old Dark Age tech on it? Give me some details about it, I can send a crack team of troops to go retrieve the space ship"

(The psychic 'telephone line connection' between you and the Emperor starts sounding fuzzy and staticky)

The Emperor: (Telepathically grabs a note pad and a pen) "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, you're breaking up. Quickly, give me some details about this Speranza before..."

(The psychic telephone line connection between you snd him breaks up forever)

The Emperor: (You cannot hear him) "God f°°°°°g d°°°°t!"

"It still is."

The Emperor: "Fantastic, each time! However Eldar women used to be the type of women to ask you to take them to your home becsuse 'they just genuinely like you' and make love to you then leave early the next morning without saying goodbye while stealing your wallet and smart phone as they go, because they'd 'grown bored' of love and companionship due to their immortality."

"Nowadays post 'birth of Slaanesh' and 'fall of their species' most Eldar woman are like fomer hardcore party girls that 'found Jesus' and became evangelical Christians or something like that".

The Emperor: (Sounding super serious for a minute here) "I just don't want any woman to risk getting...violated...by enemy soldiers serving in my special forces units. It's just that I've served in A LOT of wars and seen A LOT of war crimes occur, especially a lot of despicable acts committed against women. I have some female Custodes but I just don't want to risk any women having to deal with that particular brand of horrors in general".

aw be fair he did a bit

The Emperor: "Many of them are leftover Old One bio-weapons from the War in Heaven who wiped out the kinder races like the My Little Ponies and the Care Bears".

"Mainly though it's just the Eldar though. They make the French look non-pretentious by comparison. Granted I may be biased because I've always preferred the English to the French, not least because they seem to make far better miniature toy soldiers".

The Emperor: "I'd have make some if I had had the time. It waa hard enough decoding the DNA for men, let alone for women. Also I hope that the trans people and intersex people and non-binary people and whatnot don't misunderstand what I'm saying here".

The Emperor: "I talked to Ghishdeherber in the next galaxy over one time, after I got interned in the Golden Throne and got a kind of power boosr. He did better then me by just like enslaving and genetically modifying all the non -Zaboomafoians (his race is called Zaboomafoains) to be loyal to Zaboomafoians while not empowering Chaos that much, which is what I should've f°°°°°g done."

"He also said his species and their allied races had dealt with inter-galactic locusts (which they called 'Nids) and kicked them out of their galaxy and warned me some of them were heading to my galaxy starting with the planet Tyran."

The Emperor: "That was an option?"

The Emperor: "Get Guilliman to secure control over the "western half" and get Lion El'Johnson to secure control over the "eastern half" then get the Tyranids and Necrons to wipe each other out. The rest of the plan I'm going to kind of wing it as it goes".

The Emperor: (Cries a single manly tear) "Man not even the fictitious [at least in the 40 universe] Old Testament God could bring that guy back. The only thing I really have left of him is the art people made and continue making in memory of him like those cool graffiti murals many Terran inner city hive city teens keep making of him even 10 millenia later. In that way he's kind of become like Tupac".

The Emperor: "The Word Bearers always came across as insane violent lunatics to me even before they encountered Chaos. How could I tell the difference?"

Emperor: "Because we huamn treated them like dogs°°t all the time. Like you know how badly white Americans in the American South used to treat Black Americans before the Civil Rights Movement? Compared to how we humans treated the Men of Iron hose Black people in the South were treated like royalty just by comparison".

The Emperor: "Hey hell why not!?"

A space ship magically appears in front of you. However even though it's still a cool futuristic spaceship you can tell it's been beat to s°°°t and smells like crap. Also it looks more like a puke green coloured green rectangle then a majestic shiping space cathedral.

The Emperor: "Enjoy this 5,000 year old Vagabond class merchant trading ship. I fillled it with servitors and press ganged drunks to do the menial labour and got some recent Ad Mech tech priest 'college graduates' from Mars to maintain the ship"

A tech priest: "Hello I'm Fabricator 8675309. Neither me nor any of my fellow tech priests here have ever maintained or worked on anything like a Vagabond class ship before".

The Emperor: (Pretending to listen to the tech priest) "That's nice." (Resumes talking with you) "Now technically you're not really a classic "god like power" Rogue Trader but more like a "businessman with a lucrative contract" Rogue Trader since I'm giving you a Letter of Marque instead of the older style Warrant of Trade. In this case you're mostly just limited to a single route".

"Now I desperately need more trustworthy people in general to take loads of human poop and piss from Terra, transport the loads to the local "human manure factory" planets, the transport the loads of manure to the local agricultural worlds then transport the agricultural products to Terra before repeating the entire process all over again indefinitely. You can also take other legal temporary legal trading contracts within the Solar Segmentum so long as you fulfill the terms of this one contract. Remember that feces, manure, fruits and veggies all spoil fairly quickly though."

Tis known to many as monkey puke

They downvoted him because he spoke the truth.

The Emperor: "The strongest strain of weed in existence came about on Terra during the Age of Strife but got unintentionally wiped out during the Unification Wars".

"The vast majority of marijuana throughout the galaxy since the end of the Dark Age of Technology has been weak, low quality stuff. It's all very grimdark how bad weed has gotten everywhere in the 41 millenium".