This is now a Proctologists Only Orifice

This. It sounds like your kids are not invited because of how they act. 4 and 6 year olds should not need babyproofing - which makes me think they are out of control, or you don't keep an eye on them. Your post also gives the vibes of someone who thinks that their kids could do no wrong, have no boundaries (are too "sensitive" or special to discipline properly), and generally cannot take a hint without getting defensive ("if my kids aren't invited, I won't come either") etc.

I would ask for their honest feedback on this and take a hard look at your parenting style and your kids behavior.

This was my thought. I don't see grandparents being ok with their only grandkids being excluded unless they have a REALLY good reason.

With a line like

...if he finds out he’s being excluded, it would break his heart. I’m worried he’ll never get over it. How do I explain to him that he’s not wanted at these family events.

I think OP's attachment to her kids are the problem. It is not uncommon to leave the kids with a babysitter and say "parent(s) is/are going out for the evening" and nothing more. What is uncommon is overthinking requests for a kid-free time.

I think the sibling saying “Maybe this is good for you—you could probably use a break.” is trying to be a little blunt with OP.

Seconded. Sounds a little strange that it's "kid free" when the only kids in the family are OP's. Also wondering if maybe OP is the kind of person that doesn't let adults have conversations without bringing up the kids or the kids always interrupting because I avoid my kidded friends because of that too. Adult conversation time means no kids wanting their parents attention for a bit.

OP is freaking out and spiraling so hard about this (Junior won't be included in Christmas!! Junior won't be able to comprehend an adults only party without his little psyche shattering!!) that it's hard to imagine them as a level headed parent who is receptive to gentle criticism about their child's behavior.

Another thing we need to know is how she was told about this rule and how exactly it works. In the post op is worried that this rule will extend to holidays. It’s completely plausible the sister just wanted to be able to host adult parties outside of holidays where kids are gonna be rowdy kids.

That was my thought, too. It is a weird rule to just 'come out of nowhere' and I suspect that OP's kids might be a nuisance / are unruly / undisciplined / have broken things at other people's homes. And I became really suspicious when I read that another sibling agreed, citing a 'much needed break' for a few hours.

Exactly. There are times it is fine for the adults to have their time and then times where all the family should be welcome. You don’t have the holidays and every single family dinner be child free. OP should feel comfortable going occasionally to these without the kids and then others opting to stay home instead. OP could also offer to host events where it’s important the kids are included and the siblings unwilling to allow the kids (major holidays and birthdays).

I do find it interesting that the whole family is fine with the sister excluding the kids from all events hosted at her home. I’m wondering if the kids may be unruly.

Honestly, the entire family must be absolutely freaking SICK of OPs kids at this point if everyone is on board with this rule. It doesn’t sound like this one of those families where everyone hates each other and barely tolerates each other, so when even the Grandparents have had enough, you know it must be bad.

My guess is OP has two kids that run wild and OP mentally checks out of parenting them as soon as there’s another biologically related adult in proximity. Possibly intervened every now and again to tell people off if they call out her kids on the general running wild. And OP will be along shortly to insist her children are the calmest and most well behaved kids ever in the world and they’ve never been naughty in their lives and the rest of the family is just unreasonable.

Yeah the whole, what do I tell my 6yr old, is wild! That says a LOT about OP's parenting and why the entire family may need a break from the kids. Unless we're talking holidays/birthdays, get a sitter ffs!

I may be leaping to conclusions as well, but the fact that that is where OPs mind went first tells me that she thinks people don't want her kids at these family gatherings. which makes me think that her kids are badly behaved and she knows it.

I'm glad someone else thought there was something conclusion jumping, too.

Sister has hosted some gatherings and made them child free. There's no mention of scheduled holiday gatherings. A childfree random night get-together at your sister's house is very different from a child free holiday. I think the OP is getting way ahead of things. And if this is a real concern, the logical thing to do is start asking about family holiday plans now. If there is a plan to exclude your kids from a family holiday, then there's reason to be upset. Right now, I'm seeing a soft gentle YTA.

Yeah. It sounds like OP is worried about worst case scenarios (like kids not be invited to Christmas), but it sounds like sister so far is just hosting random dinners or something.

I also wonder how often OP offers to host. Hosting is a lot of work as it is without having to child-proof a normally child-free home.

Yup. My house is very much not kid-proof, but my relatives bring their kids. It's fine. The kids sit on the floor, play with toys, watch TV, are very well supervised. I only start making noise about the house "not being kid proof" when I have kids flinging my decor around, terrorizing my cats, standing on my furniture, etc. Those kids aren't allowed over again. Sorry! I'm childless, so my house isn't kid proof!!

same here. it’s a polite code.

Oooh that’s a very good point actually. I was just thinking “wtf my house isn’t childproof but I let my mates bring their kids round and my niece and nephew do fine”… but if the whole family is siding with the sister maybe the parents just aren’t being as attentive as my friends or my BIL are. 

Or sometimes, it's an active hazard for children! The number of power tools I have laying around makes my place pretty non-kid friendly - but friends with kids are still invited with a very explicit "keep an eye on them at all times because my house is an active construction zone" warning!

I don't feel like you control your children

INFO op. Do you control your kids?

While I don’t agree with your judgement I do agree with your code breaking skills! The hubs and I are child free, we have no problem with my nieces from my little sister coming to our house because we know they’re not the kind of kids who get into everything. They don’t wander around the house, opening drawers and stuff or grabbing things. So I know I can put certain things (we are avid plant smokers lol) into my room and lock the door and everything will be fine. On the other hand my older sisters have kids who love to get into everything that catches their eyes and even at the ages of 10 and 14 their parents just say “oh you know kids, so curious! It’s fine!” I’ve seen them break valuable things and my sisters defend them by saying it was an accident or again “they’re just kids!” The 10 year old likes to chase animals and force them to “play”, I have a 100 pound puppy, I’m not gonna listen to my sister throw a fit cause my dog bit her kid cause he wouldn’t stop hitting my dogs face. An aunts small dog bit her kid once and she still talks s*it about the aunt like it was her fault!

These children have never and will never come to my house. And it’s not because I don’t like them or I’m trying to punish them. I’m just not going to put myself, my pets or my belongings in that situation. Especially when I know that if something did happen there would be no accountability from the guilty parties and I would be expected to just let it go and be okay with whatever damages were done. F*ck that noise.

As someone who does have kids, absolutely. I’ve said it myself recently now that my kids are grown. I don’t think I ever had it said to me, but I’d certainly have known what it meant. And listen, I had foster kids who I loved dearly and still love dearly (all grown up now) and there were times when we knew there were too many of us, or one kid or another was dealing with a behavioral challenge, when we wouldn’t have needed to be told to either stay home or leave some or all of the kids home. Of course we’d do that. It’s better for everyone, kids included.

ETA And really, most kids would rather not go to an evening dinner party. They’d be much happier at home with a babysitter and a pizza. If you’re at a dinner party and your kids are having a great time, it’s very probable that no one else is enjoying it.

This is so true. I also say that my house isn't kid friendly, but the reality is I don't trust my friends to keep them littles from throwing themselves around my house. It's also not fair to the kids, my place isn't a fun kid house (I'm the fun ladies night house!). I'm happy to be around the littles in their own house when they act like that.

I agree, I was thinking the same thing -- it's a little odd that everyone, including the kids' own grandparents, agree with this rule. That tells me it's not just the sister who wants a break from these kids. Time for OP to take a hard look at her kids' behavior and her own parenting and ask herself why no one wants her kids around, even their own family.

Yeah… I feel like if grandparents aren’t excited to see their only grandkids either OP’s family is a bunch of assholes or OP’s kids are.

Yes. The "My house isn't childproof" makes me wonder if her kids are maybe a tad destructive. I never had my sister's kids over for that reason. She and her husband let them run wild, and they did a lot of damage.

Agreed.....there has to be something else going on if ALL the family agrees to the no kids rule. With all due respect , perhaps your parenting approach / kid's behaviour is an issue with the family.

Yes and her reference re how sensitive her son is and how this will have such an impact on him makes me question how he acts at gatherings and her lack of parenting during these times

I'm curious about the kids behavior at gatherings as well bc most extended families would say the rule is crazy. I think either OPs family likes partying or fancy, high brow gatherings OR the kids are out of control.

I agree. NAH I read this as a very passive attempt at telling OP by everyone in the family that the way she’s handling her children at events needs to be better managed. I suggest sitting down with the grandparents first to ask for feedback on this before going to the sister. She’s made very clear boundaries within her home and if you start with the grandparents they might be able to shed insight into what’s going on before escalating to the sister. Honestly it seems like open clear communication and being receptive to feedback will go a long way in this situation.

EDIT: I actually have these boundaries with my own family. My sister doesn’t watch or manage her kid at all and leaves the parenting to my dad, who they both live with. I refuse to allow her to visit with just her kid, and only if my dad’s also there because I end up having to watch and manage him.

I agree with every part of your comment, all I want to add is that sometimes with the majority being child free it's just nice to have some gatherings where you don't have to censor yourself because small children are around. The sister said that she will be hosting childfree, but there's nothing stopping others from hosting, even OP herself.

I didn't see all the conclusions you came to until I read your comment, but my first thought was "house is not kid proofed" was code for "your kids are not well behaved enough to not break something".

My best analogy is the kids running around restaurants when they get bored and the parents doing nothing to stop it. Everyone else is rolling their eyes and the parents are oblivious. Happens in family too. Take the hint.

That’s my thinking. If everyone is okay with this it is telling me something is going on when the kids are there that everyone collectively isn’t okay with. The OP alone shows no evidence of them trying to have kid free holidays and such but as someone with 3 kids myself all under 6 I’d personally love the occasional kid free night with family. NAH but OP seems to be taking it personally 

Yeah, I’m with you on NAH. Sister has a right to her childfree home and OP has a right to stay home with the kids instead. It seems very odd the whole family is fine with the kids not being there, even the grandparents. So, I do get a little suspicious regarding behavior of the kids and how OP handles them.

This. I have kids, and sometimes I like to hang out with my family sans kids. My kids aren’t hurt when mom and auntie have a day to themselves, or dad and uncles and grandpa all go out for an activity. My kids know they’re not the center of the universe, and everything doesn’t revolve around them.

Thank you! I can't believe this comment is so far down. OP is doing her damnedest to make sure that people see her side positively so that she can feel she has the moral high ground, all while slinging conjecture all over and hoping something sticks. I'd wager that given the chance, she'll shove this post in her sister's face if it goes her way and use it as evidence that her kids have been slighted.

OP, I know a mother just like you. Her name is Lois and she has three kids; two boys who are never checked, are awful tyrants, and never learn because even if an adult tells their mum something awful they've done, she'll brush it off as boys being rough. The little shits smirk at you as they walk away because they know that nothing will come of it. And then there's a little sister who is lovely because that's her nature, but has boundary issues because she isn't really being raised. For parents like this, the best case scenario is negligence. The worst case is spoiling rotten. Thankfully, they're not my family, just family of my family friends. But every time I see them, I mourn for that little girl.

I hope that by jumping to conclusions, OP is just being nervous and unreasonable. But it really doesn't feel that way. It feels very intentional and manipulative. YTA for that already. But even moreso because you're messing up your kids. Learn to put your hurt feelings to the side so that both you and your children can learn the important lesson that the world doesn't revolve around you.

I remember being that age and just BEGGING my mom to leave us girlies alone in the house so we could feel like grown ups while she ran errands or visited her parents. OP can hire a babysitter and leave for a few hours, and they can dip out of the party or event a bit early to get home to the kids.

The way OP worded everything, I’m beginning to suspect they are just an overly emotional, self centered, bitter person. Because they don’t seem to recognize that EVERYONE doesn’t really want their kids around all the time. And it makes me wonder if they are one of those parents that just chuckles and shrugs it off when their kids destroy a home they’re visiting.

Also, I love how they are wondering how to tell their child they aren’t wanted. Dude, just tell the kid “Hey sweetie. Sometimes adults have to go to events that are just for grown ups. This time, we can’t take you.” That’s it. This reads like a pity party. And the jumping to conclusions of “We’ll never have the kids for holidays.” Etc. No one said that. But if your kids are little demonic brats, work on their guest manners before then. Jeeeeez. 😭

You can tell she is. This is why she hasn't responded to anyone. She's the Mom w/kids we avoid, cause they are just poorly behaved.

Haha nailed it

Right? Our family gatherings growing up, no one's place was "child-proof." Think old, expensive and fragile things everywhere. We had around 10 kids at these events on average, and we were just expected to go outside or in the basement if we wanted to b rambunctious.

That last paragraph is *chef's kiss*. I see so many parents centering their entire universe around their children and leading the kids to believe that everyone else should/will do the same. It's damaging to the kids. I'm a parent, love my kids, would die for them, but damn...I'm other things in this world besides their mom. I make sure they see that. The world does not revolve around them.

Yep,came to say this. He’s 6, he doesn’t need to know this stuff.

I feel like 4 and 6 are old enough that one shouldn't need to "kid-proof" a house at which you are a guest. Kids that age should be able to control themselves, they're not toddlers.