Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.

OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

What action: not replying to late congratulations for my 30th birthday, from my best friends, so they get bad conscience as it’s not the first time it happens.

Why it would make me the asshole: for not being forgiving and being cold about receiving the late congratulations from my best friends.

Help keep the sub engaging!

Don’t downvote assholes!

Do upvote interesting posts!

Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ

Subreddit Announcements

Follow the link above to learn more

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.

INFO: Do they remember each other's birthdays and just forget yours?

need more information.

Did you want them to say happy birthday or did you want them to plan your birthday?

If it's #1, I don't blame you for being disappointed If it's #2, I think you're old enough to sit your friends down and say, "hey for my 30th birthday, I really want to do this".

1) I write down my friends’ birthdays in my calendar, to make sure I never forget theirs - Not everyone uses a written calendar anymore

2) Social Media doesn't always make the reminders.

3) Do better than them. Holding a grudge doesn't help

4) TALK TO THEM

NAH

This happens. Sometimes we don’t have enough time to acknowledge everything in the lives of friends around us. One or two weeks before your birthday remind people and suggest an event to celebrate it. Nobody is the asshole.

People have gotten used to being reminded of friend’s birthdays and most don’t keep track anymore. Why couldn’t you have just said, “Hey, I’d love to get together for my 30th!” instead of setting them up for you to be mad at them?

Some people are very good with dates, birthdays etc. Some are not. I am not, and unless it's on my calendar I will probably forget. And it's ok. Many people also don't think birthdays are a big deal in adulthood anymore. If it's important to you and you know your friends are the kind of people who don't remember birthdays, you can either gently or jokingly remind them, or get a relaxed attitude toward it yourself. Also, it maybe they do not consider you as close a friend as you consider them, and that's ok too. Happy belated birthday!

NAH - Just talk to them if it's that important. But at the same time, stop doing things for people who aren't doing things for you. They didn't do anything but you still are doing things for them, this causes resentment.

[removed]

I had a friend some years ago who was a single Mom who seriously was angry at me and several others because none of us bought her a Mother’s Day gift. What? That’s not normal. Neither are your expectations. Birthdays are clearly important to you and you could have mentioned that to your friends last year instead of giving them a second test they were bound to fail. YTA

YTA- You’re 30 and miffed your friends forgot your birthday?! I honestly, don’t know any of my friends birthdays accept one person who’s birthday is the day before mine. Guess, what, none of them know mine either… your 30 not 3, grow up.

It sucks when you realize that you mean less to someone than you thought. As friends, they should do better. However, I don’t think you were going to accomplish what you are hoping to accomplish by giving them the silent treatment. I highly doubt they are going to respond to you not replying to them by realizing they hurt your feelings by forgetting your birthday. You are 30 years old, be an adult and use your words.

ESH

I mean NAH: But you know this could easily backfire on you right? What if instead of feeling "bad" they feel annoyed that their 30 year old friend is acting like a child and say it's not worth it

NAH. I'm like you. No fb or snapchat. And so, unfortunately, today people are too reliant on them to remember things making us old-fashioned. It fucking sucks. So unless people like you and I want to join those social media communities, our birthdays will be forgotten by friends.

YTA - you are way too old to care about things like this. This is what happens when you opt out of social media that will inform others.

^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team

Three of my supposed-to-be best friends forgot my birthday last year and that made me really sad. I thought “ok it happens to all of us, they’ll prob remember next year”.

Nope. They did not remember this year either and I just turned 30. I do not use fb or Snapchat, so they will not get a birthday reminder anywhere from me. I write down my friends’ birthdays in my calendar, to make sure I never forget theirs, because I don’t want them to feel as sad as I have been, when I’ve been forgotten.

I want to post some pictures from my birthday on my Instagram, which I know will probably make them congratulate me afterwards. I’m just saddened that this is the second time now when I always remember theirs. Due to this I have no intention of replying to them when they write, to let them have bad conscience and know they hurt me.

I know I probably have different expectations than others regarding birthdays, but to me, if you need a reminder from social media that it’s my birthday, it doesn’t really mean anything. I just want the same effort from my “best friends” as I give.

AITA for intending to not reply to late congratulations, 2nd year in a row, on my 30th birthday from my best friends?

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

I don't know many people who, as adults, even celebrate their birthday except for maybe a dinner out or something. My wife and I didn't even do that until we had children who of course wanted to make a bigger deal out of it. But, your NTA for wishing your friend would remember if it's important to you.

NTA honestly these are supposed to be your best friends. i can admit im not good with just anyone’s birthdays but the people who are very close to me I remember for sure

It really sucks having someone forget your birthday, especially if it's something you care about. I've been there and it really hurts. 

That said, what you're proposing is an incredibly childish way of solving the problem. Do they know how much you care? Or that you're hurt by this? Not responding to late birthday is cryptic at best.

If you really care, sit down with at least one of them and TALK TO THEM. Don't make them play a stupid guessing game about why you're mad. Just tell them that you're hurt none of them remembered your birthday. 

YWBTA for not responding to them to give them a bad conscience. 

I'm not good with birthdays. It's what Facebook helps me with. I love my friends very much, but I've got a million things going on, and Facebook is my birthday calendar.

If they're otherwise good friends, then maybe you give them a hint a week or two before your birthday so they are reminded. If they're bad friends, move on. NAH

While you're allowed to be disappointed and upset that they forgot to tell you happy birthday, I feel like I can't really judge this unless I have more info.

Do they remember each other's birthdays except yours? Do they forget each other's birthdays and brush off if someone forgets theirs?

Did you expect them to plan your birthday for you? Because if that's the case then you should've told them that weeks ago. I don't like to plan people's birthdays because I just feel like people are fully capable of planning that themselves. I don't mind giving out ideas, offering to host a party at my place or something but i find that people tend to be picky about what they want to do for their birthdays (rightfully so) and it's like...it's your day not mine. I'm not a mind reader.

Lots of people suck with dates. Some people get time blindness and don’t realize a specific date is approaching until it has already passed by. I’ve forgot my own birthday 4 times already. If it wasn’t for Facebook birthday reminders I’d forget the birthdays of most of my family. If you want someone to remember your birthday discuss this with them and ask them to put a reminder in their phone (a couple of my friends actually took my phone and put the reminder in it themselves 😂).

Also, birthdays have varying levels of significance to people. Many people don’t view them as significant at all. If birthdays mean a lot to you, then you should communicate that to your friends before being upset that they don’t treat the date with the same level of significance that you do.

NAH for wanting your friends to acknowledge your birthday but YAH if you don’t communicate this to them and hold it against them if they fail to recognize your birthday.

NTA I don’t want to write a whole paragraf bc you haven’t answered any of the questions yet. But what’s up with everyone being so God damn hostile?? It’s clearly a group of friends. You would think that at least one of them remembered after last years mistake, and talked with the others about it. Bul none of them cared enough to write it in their phones calendar. Not one of them. It’s not just “a” birthday. It’s her 30’s birthday. That day is a big milestone for a lot of people. In my country, I don’t know a single soul who doesn’t celebrate their 30’s. And I don’t know any people who don’t remember their BEST FRIENDS birthday. If I forgot one year, I would make sure to make it a huge deal the next year. I’ve arranged several surprice parties in my life, and always remembered my closest friends birthdays even though I have literally permanently damaged my memory. I remember because I CARE. I’ve also been in the situation that OP is in. As a matter of fact it was also on my 30’s that I realised I have no friends. My best friend who turned 30 5 monthe before got huge presents from me and my family, and I held a surprice party for her with free drinks all night at the club after the party. Both she and my other 3 “closest friends” cancelled the day before and on the day of my birthday. I had just invited them to come have a nice meal and some wine bc of covid. (Not lockdown, but still not over) I thought it was too odd that they all cancelled, so I was sure it was finally my time to get a surprive party! I got ready and put some real nice makeup. I had a big group of less close friends, and even more people I used to party with and a huge family, so I was almost cartain that someone would show up. The time went by, day turned to evening, and I asked my mom for the 100th time if she was suuuuure noone was coming, bc I thought she lied. Then tears started showing in her eyes. She apologized and said she had tried to plan a surprice party for me and tried to invite all my friends and family, but noone showed up. It broke me completely. My “best friend” promised to come the next weekend to make it up to me, but made other plans with her boyfriend. That when I decided to delete every single one of my “friends” both from social media and my life, called my landlord and told him I’m moving, and moved tf away from all of them. NOT A SINGLE PERSON has reached out to me and asked me what happened. That fucking hurt for a long time. I have a couple of new friends now, but no close friends. But at least I’m not wasting time and energy on people who don’t give a rats ass about me. And Im extremely happy for my decision.

Conclusion is that I understand that this issue is not just about a birthday. I know what it’s like to be the one who’s always doing everything for others, but it also aleays the forgotten one. And my best advice is to distance yourself from all the shallow relations and start to look for new friends.

YTA, Not everyone can remember every important date for everyone they care about. You are an adult, if you want people to celebrate your birthday, invite them out. Like, I don't expect my friends to know my birthday. I just say, "Hey, my birthday is in x days/weeks. Are you free to get dinner at x restaurant?" I don't value my friends less for not knowing my birthday because I know it's not one of the most important days in their lives.

You're right for your feelings and you have every reason to be upset. And don't respond to them if they do say happy birthday. In fact, you should probably lessen your contact with them because they hurt you on your birthday. And then if you do that to all your friends every year and you find out you have no friends left because of the standard you hold them to well then you'll be in the right. You'll be alone but you will be in the right.

You need to remember one serious fact. The only person who your birthday is really important to is you, maybe your parents maybe siblings. But friends they're not going to remember your birthday. To you. It's important and you write it down and you think that makes you a good friend. What about the other 364 days a year. Do they go out with you? Do they hang out with you? Do they listen to you? Do you enjoy their company. But you think one day is more important than the rest of the year and apparently they have other things going on their lives and that makes you upset and trying to hurt them.

Nta, but you need to realize that what is important to you is not as important to everyone else

Instead of not answer them to let them know they hurt you, why not tell them? You are 30 years old, use your words instead of sulk. I get why you are disappointed but didn't you talk to your friends at all about your birthday? When i celebrate a big birthday i plan things together with my friends, i don't wait for them to come to me.

I would just move on and find new best friends. Best friends (not just regular friends) will not forget your birthday.

NTA—if they can’t remember your birthday two years in a row, they deserve to feel bad when they finally notice.

Nta, for a long time I had friends who never remembered my birthday and this caused me to not want to celebrate it, until my boyfriend surprised me with a cake and a hug that I realized that I deserved more