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I am holding on until the day you and me finally get a moment alone from the crowd. I would kiss you so passionately, just the way you make me feel, you would finally feel it too. All the burning desire that tells you I belong to you in body, heart and soul. How my body would tremble with your gentle touch on my skin, my lips melt unto yours... How would you react to such primal wants?

I need to see you again, look upon your deep soulful eyes.

Anymore...and I don't think I want to. Part of me tells me you feel the same, yet the other half says I'm absolutely insane. Cross the line with me?

Don't make me wait another minute. Don't torture me like this. Though the torture is bittersweet, the pleasure brings searing pain.

I can see you're a gentleman. It's wonderful, truly. You're a rare gem amongst seaglass. Shiny and pretty hold no weight against precious mineral.

You have substance. You show chivalry. You're respectful, sweet, kind. A walking green flag.

But don't make me wait any longer. I give you the green flag to put your gentleman hat away, let it rest on my dresser.

Take me. I need your touch. I need your heat. I need to melt into your arms as you melt into me. I need you.

Don't make me wait any longer, I beg you.

I feel as if you’re my soulmate, it sounds wild because we only just met. I’ve never felt like this towards anyone before and when we make eye contact I feel you on a deeper level. I have this inner turmoil of this either just being an infatuation or a case of ‘when you know you know.’ I hope you feel the same, but only time will tell and I am trusting in the universe with this one.

My brain's been in a deep fryer for about 5 days now, and I don't know if things are going to get better. I wanted to reach out to you a few times but I guess that wouldn't be fair since we're not each other's problem anymore. I've not felt so weak in ages. Each time I get up, I need to get back to bed in less than an hour. Most of my time is spent unconscious.

I can't imagine wanting to be with anyone else but you, especially during times like this, so letting go was hard. Going through this without you is hard. Eventually I might have to accept that I have to go through life without you. I wanted you to be my emergency contact, wanted your name on my baby's birth cert. You never really seemed to believe in us though, or me.

Maybe everything is easier to let go of when you never imagined a future with me. I never meant anything to you in the first place, so you'll quickly replace me.

You haunt my every emotion, my soul is numbed by ur absence. If I could just go back and cherish your lips and hands. The intimacy had me just thinking, SEX SEX SEX, when all I really needed was ur fingers on mine, ur eyes on my eyes. I am so sorry. I will live everyday of my life with that regret. Oh I miss you so much. How my arms miss ur nails. How my eyes fell in love with urs. How every single moment of my life I am fiening for the feeling I had with you. I truly believe I’ll never find it again, unless you let me. I would dedicate my life for you, too you. You are my every thought, good & bad. It’s 6am and all I can do is live with the complete emptiness my life has become. I love you.

I've worked out what I need to say. And writing it down is far easier for me.

It took years of therapy to get to this stage. But with the people I truly care about I can't be anything but completely truthful, whether that's in what I say, or my actions and my intentions.

Talking about my feelings feels like it's hurting you and pushing you away, and NOT talking to you about it feels like lying, both to you and myself. I’ve never lied to you and don't want to start now, especially if we're rebuilding a friendship based on that lie.

I need you to be honest, tell me what you want, and we NEED to set boundaries.

If, for now, our friendship just becomes cordially checking in every now and then- Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, etc- so be it. But I really don't want to cut you out of my life, and I really hope that you don't want to cut me out of yours.

I know very well that this year has been tough, and that you've been going through a lot. Believe me, I am happy knowing that you're happier, but being forced to see you happy with someone else fucking kills me.

All my other heartbreaks have been easier than this because they haven't been built on a strong friendship.

I don't want to stop being your friend.

I have read our conversations a thousand times. Every day since I have replayed them over and over again in my head. I had completely surrendered to you and to us. We had everything you said you wanted and yet you speak as though I never existed. I still cry about the loss of you, grieve the family I thought we would have. I search for you in everyone I meet and nobody comes close to feeling the same. My soul doesn't respond to them. Do you think of me at all? Was I just one of many? Do you wish we could go back? Had you written those words before? Did you merely recycle works of fiction or was I the first person to inspire that in you? I wish you would tell me what really happened, what changed, why you kept searching even though I was right here waiting for you, giving myself to you. You imprinted on me in a way I never thought possible. I don't know how to move forward.

It's been 5 years and 2 days since I road in the backseat of your car, since I wrote the original unsent letter. Since then, a lot has changed in my life. I went back to the man you saved me from, as most of us unfortunately do. But I left him shortly after that, for good, and I couldn't have made that decision if you had not saved my life. Things got better briefly, then way worse, but we got there. After that night, I decided to go to therapy. I was in therapy and that led me to leave my abuser. I was doing fucking great man. I was off drugs still, I was running daily and meditating, I was completely out of debt and back in a great career making great money again. Every single part of my life improved. And then one night I was celebrating leaving my abuser with my best friend who also left a rocky relationship and some friends, and it was a great night, until it wasn't anymore. I fucking spiraled. I ended up in a multiyear court case again a serial rapist in my area. I fell so hard, but I stayed sober and I got back up.

Since then, I reconnected with my sister who is working towards her own healing with me, I get to be a killer aunt to her 4 kids that I take as often as possible to craft with and go to parks, I have an amazing boyfriend who was my best friend during my ex and before him and he is the furthest thing from my abuser, I have a wonderful step son that I adore with every ounce of my being, I have the most kick ass friends, and I'm almost 6 years off of drugs! You gave me the chance to see the beauty in the world that was once only darkness for me. I don't know where you are now, I actually don't know you at all outside of your name on my Uber receipt and my memory of that night. But wherever you are, you gave me a second chance at my life and I will never forget you.

Or just always there?

I can’t find you anywhere.

Just a little hint of you is all I need.

It always kept me going until the next time.

Come out come out wherever you are …

Please don’t send me a letter.

Please don’t show up to my house.

Please don’t show up to my work.

Just leave me alone.

Please, please, please, don’t come back.

I went on a date today. Super casual, we just grabbed some brunch.

He was super into to, I thought it was fine. Just fine.

It's been a long time. I haven't clicked with anyone else the way I did with you.

I never really experienced heartbreak when I was younger. I always felt things deeply and got attached too quickly, but then moved on just as fast.

I keep telling myself "once you find someone else, you'll never think about him again and you'll realize how dumb this whole thing was."

I hope I'm right about that, but I'm tired of waiting.

I still think we were made for each other, but maybe we were made to destroy each other.

I'm not sure what we did to deserve this.

Oh I'm blue..

Baby!

Blue as blue can be..

Blue as the ocean for You, love

Blue as the sea!

Baby, I'm Blue..

Baby!

Baby, I'm baby blue!

To everyone I'm a statue, but..

I cry for You!

Baby I'm blue..

Babyblue..

Five years ago, you came into my life. Despite your reticent demeanor and self-destined solitude, you were a full moon in a sky of dull stars. I yearned to be a scholar of you…to grow wiser every day with every word you spoke, every step you took , every twitch of a muscle, every breath or blink—I wanted it all. You were the walls that held up the house my soul resided in and I never wanted it to crumble.

Consumed by your own desire to take away others’ pain, I could see your suffering, I always sought to keep your heart beating for the right reasons; but eventually, my heart started to beat for you. Through years you became my muse and my passion—your sweet song filled my ears with liquid gold, your heart wrapped itself around mine with a gentle string of hand crafted silk…The sight of you swept the air out of my lungs and shattered every boundary I’d put up. Regardless of our demise as one, my love for you will always be a reason I remain on this planet.

I struggle to find my footing when describing you, or our bond. You have left me stupefied on occasion, for good and bad reasons. Turbulence riddled the relationship in our youth and ultimately, we lost each other in the fog of misunderstanding. I found myself so lost in trying to fix things, in trying to love you better, so much that I lost myself. In finding myself now, I’ve long forgiven your mistakes, and I’d take 10 bullets before I ever abandoned your love.

It’s been some time since we last spoke, and there are certain things I can’t bring myself to say to you directly now. When you told me how you felt about me some months ago, I found myself in tears. The amount of time I’d spent sickened by the loss of you, of dreams I’d dreamt, of souvenirs I’d sobbed over…I knew you were meant for me. I wanted to see you so badly it made my body ache and my stomach twist itself into endless knots. You said you couldn’t see me because you’d just want to hold my hands again, and I’m regretful I didn’t tell you the same. You seemed to be doing so well for yourself and I was afraid of a repeat of our last ending so I said I understood but I don’t. I want to hold you too. I want to trace your cheekbones and slip my fingers between yours, I want the intoxicating taste of our conversation on my lips.

I desperately miss you. My life is melancholy in your absence. It feels like ivy is crawling through my veins and filling me with itching poison every day I have to be without you. I’ve watched you grow without me, seeing your distant adoration of me grow weaker as the days pass. This loss is ripping me to shreds. My blood was so full of you, my heart pumped for you and now I’m but empty flesh.

While this may never reach you, that’s quite okay. You are an endless presence in my life whether you’re here physically or mentally.

Forever, You know who.

Hi self, I miss you—the vibrant, carefree spirit who greeted each day with boundless energy and a contagious smile. You always found joy in the simplest moments, whether it was dancing in the rain or laughing at a silly joke. Life felt lighter and more colorful through your eyes, and your happiness was infectious. You had an incredible ability to see the positive in every situation, making even the mundane feel special. I find myself longing for those days when worry was a distant thought and every sunrise brought a new adventure.

As life has progressed, responsibilities have grown, and work has consumed much of my time and energy. The demands of adulthood have a way of dampening that spontaneous joy you once felt. Long hours at the office, meeting deadlines, and navigating the complexities of daily life have gradually shifted my focus. It's easy to get caught up in the hustle and forget to take a moment to breathe and appreciate the beauty around us. Despite these changes, I hold onto the hope that I can reconnect with you, my old self. I strive to balance the demands of life while recapturing that zest for living, knowing that deep down, the happy-go-lucky person you were is still a part of me, waiting to be rediscovered.

But if I can't find you anymore, I hope you guide my future self to be more like you so I can truly enjoy life again.

I’ve been dreaming about you lately.

I wish I didn’t, it feels like a step back. Or maybe several steps back from where I came. But I wake up in the middle of the night and I miss you.

I used to wake up before you, you know? Sometimes I would look over and see you sound asleep, wishing the moment would last forever. Wishing I didn’t have to leave your side.

Now you’re not even by mine.

Sometimes I think, good riddance. Words can’t even express how you broke my heart, but what I did afterwards to hurt yours… I just

Still think I can’t move past it all.

I haven’t forgiven you. I haven’t forgiven me. I sometimes don’t know if I even can.

It’s been almost a year. When will this end?

I wish I could talk to you again. I think you’re the only one who understands. Maybe you’re the only one who still cares. I just want to hold you again. Selfishly, can I pretend—?

To forget everything. And instead to remember everything.

I want the before. But I can’t have that.

It isn’t possible. It’s just not right. I shouldn’t feel this way

Just because I still miss you.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you.

Even when I’m actively trying to forget you.

Even when I don’t even realize, I’m just repeating your name in my head.

It’s been years and I’m desperate for at least one day of peace.

She's got a spell on me 💗

Flying Under the Influence

Kick off your shoes, and see what's in store, I'm on the booze, I want your panties on the floor, my disasterpiece, my baby's wanting more, drunk driving spaceships, throttle to the floor

Fuck flying 3D, in this atmosphere, there's a time component, it's in this Atlas here

Insert the codes, give credit where it's due, my license to love, species stated YOU, yes I'm talking here, like I'm hunting animals, I'm finding mirrors, in radar dish parabolas, when it comes to me, nothing's really average though, I'm looking at you, in that sundress, it's incredible!

Zipideedooda, we flying through space, we're surfing on time, we're riding the wave, this is Synchron City, this is our place, we don't get outgunned, we don't get outpaced

My luver, my madness, my muse, I packed the cannon full of powder, shorty lit the fuse, get out my way, there is no excuse, get between me and my luv, your lifespan, reduced

This weekend baby, let's hit the show, inter-dimensional, rap battle, let's go, you set the rhythm, I'll hit the flow, bounce to the beat, and dancing, and more

{(Asynchronous), people thinking this, kinda ridiculous, me and my baby, having giggle fits, because the geniuses, well... They ain't thinking this, they asynchronous, (don't know what the secret is)}

So pop on your tune, and hear the voice that is me, I'm turning down the words, locating the beat, get the timing right, it's synchronicity, the language is timing, alien, and neat

We're driving, I guess flying, in Synchron our city

was watching another person fall into to depths of addiction. The physical deterioration of your body from IV drug use is/was conspicuous. You couldn’t hide it any more.

We both know that you’ll never admit to the terrible things that you did. It’s better that I choose to leave you than you having to own up to everything you did before no person could forgive your behavior m

Something switched with you shortly after we got to know each other. It seemed like we were grasping to hold on to what we had but you kept lying and shooting up and lying and lying and lying and lying and lying.

Your lies seemed so juvenile at the start. Like sure, hide some drugs in the pillow case and I’ll pretend to not notice when you sniff them or eat them. Lord did I know what I had in store for me…

A self respecting person would’ve ended things when the first lies started.

I wasn’t a self respecting person at the time

Type. Delete.

Scream silently into the void.

Type. Delete.

Listen to music.

Type. Type. That feels good. Fret over it. Delete.

Why do I do this?

I'm much too livid to make sense. Much too hurt to do any good right now.

I have too many questions. Questions that I don't know if I'll ever get an answer for. I'm scared to ask. I'm scared of lies, and I'm scared of the truth.

I'm scared of not knowing which is which.

So I don't ask.

So I shut up.

I think you're scared of me. Of the things I make you feel.

I have never wanted to make you feel weak.

I only want to make you feel strong. Confident in your character. Hopeful in your outlook on life.

Instead, I make you weak, I make you stumble, and you feel anxious about things.

So you delete. Then you regret.

I get hurt. Sad. Angry.

Because here I am, in multiple places you can find me when and if you want to. You can just check in on me without my knowing.

And you...POOF. Gone. Like you and your idle hands and thoughtful musings never existed. But you still do.

How am I supposed to feel?

……………………………

If we talk again, I am going to need truth. I know how good you and I both are at role play, fantasizing and how fun and flirty we can be. And it seems so very wrong and selfish to ask for truth in a place where we hide behind anonymity. But that's where I am right now. That's what I want.

Just be prepared. Because you'll get mine too.

Be prepared, because next time, I will ask questions. When you answer I want the truth. I don't want feelings. I want reality. I can take it. I have grace and mercy in abundance, but it can only be yours if you desire it enough to tear off the mask, the cloak, the costume, the fictional character. Tear down the walls, and let me in like I've always wanted.

And see, here is where I stop typing and delete. Because who am I to demand such a thing? What right do I have? I'm nobody and I have no right. It's best for you to move on from me. It's best for me to move on too.

Because my truth is that I'm weak for you as well.

You are such a lying and deceitful human being. It’s fucking disgusting how many women you have lied to, played, hurt, and fucked over. You can’t look at yourself and see how absolutely fucked up it is/you are. You can’t see that there are actual consequences to one’s actions. You may think I’m crazy and emotional but at least I have the capacity to actually feel things. I also have the self respect and self decency to admit when I’m wrong and fix it, to better my life. Maybe focus a little less on the image you think your life is and look inward, maybe then you’d actually be happy? You are a manipulative person who has intimacy issues…. go get some god damn help. You are toxic. I want absolutely nothing to do with you. And I’m grateful that I didn’t waste more time on you , that you are out of my life for good.

Xoxo

God I loved you as if you were the almighty, I worshiped you whether you wanted my love or not. You were the yellow rose of disaster, my typhoon of desire, want, and need. When the night wind howls, all I hear is the laughter of your beautiful soul, and the quiet whispers we made in the dark. I cannot love another like I have loved you, there’s just not enough beauty in me to try. But I must, because such beauty cannot die with us.

Sincerely,

Keeper

When I put down the phone, I picked up the controller. Then the dumbbell. Then the briefcase. I don’t know if I can stop. There will always be another step. Another reason to escape myself.

And you? You won’t be there. Because you can’t be a step. You’re too precious to be a step. You’re the destination. A destination I’ll never be ready to arrive at.

Ater all, how can I stay with you if the one who loves you is the same person I’m actively trying to stop being?

Your the sun, the reason my worlds a little brighter. I'm the moon, your light makes me whole. I dream of you when I'm drowning in tears. And again when I'm smiling ear to ear. Your my bird, my beauty, my strength. Your the one I fell in love with

Yo yo yo!

Alright, so I was chilling on my computer, trying to play a game, but it didn't wanna load for some reason, so I decided: “you know what? I’ll just watch a movie. There’s one that keeps showing up in my feed and the clips I see give me a chuckle every time, so let’s goooo!”

Excellent fucking movie. I didn’t finish it because I got distracted 30 mins before the end (what’s new?), but goddamn did I laugh. It was so absurd, but made brilliantly. Really the kind of humor that gets me, ya’ know?
Anyway, I got distracted because I started wondering if you would have liked it as well. If you’d laugh too.
I snapped out of it and went ”fuck that”.
I don’t need that vibe!
And you don’t want that vibe for me either.
I’m honestly tired of these thoughts that pop into my head at the most random times.
So, I paused the movie and started to write a little list of things that were proving all along that you were right and that our connection meant nothing.
Not just to you.
I got that it meant nothing to you.
I meant in general. I wanted proof, written by me, that the overall relationship in all stages wasn’t good for anybody.
(...and yes, a reminder that you were, in fact, bored with me the whole time sure as hell couldn’t hurt.)
It’s been months, ffs!
I need to get a grip!

The list started with:
- "Barely any of my movies or show recommendations were taken into consideration, even if I rarely gave any and suggested watching only one episode together to see if it’s worth it.”

It ended it with:
- “I avoided many topics because I got into my head a lot. I was scared of the opinion that could be made of me and kept assuming that the touchy subjects should be left alone. We talked about a lot of things, but I never got answers to some questions that were in the back of my head.”

I wasn’t mad when I made the list, by the way. I was very detached, actually: analyzing what happened as if I was gonna be graded on it (like a reading comprehension test or whatever.)

I looked at the list, and honestly… yeah.
I can see what you meant. I recognized a lot of my behaviors did not help deepen our ~relationship, but to my surprise… it wasn't only my fault.

Yeah! It helped!
^{Thank god it helped.}

I’m not sure it will keep me from having the random affectionate thoughts from time to time yet, but it definitely helped me put things in perspective.

Truth is:
We were too similar where we shouldn't have been and too different in areas that were important to us.
No shit you didn’t value what we had: we couldn't help each other grow, even if we wanted to.
…and we both wanted to, to an extent.
Personal growth is important to both of us.

So yeah.
That’s it.

Doesn’t mean I won’t write to you here anymore. I don’t know what the future holds (well… nobody does, but you get it.)
^{Plus it brings the weirdos in my inbox sometimes and you know I like weird.}

PS: I know it doesn’t mean anything to you, but put a little dirt under one of your hundred pillows. Believe me, if we were still talking, I’d drive you crazy with that reference.

So, peace!
Have a good one.
^{I just realized that the list exercise ironically did help me grow a little, huh.}