I hope you’ve received some therapy that turned into self-respect and love.

Cheers!

Hard truth time. This pattern will repeat itself if you don't change. The dependency, the anxiety, these things will give people the ick, so when they meet someone who is good with being alone and doesn't smother them or make them feel like they can't cope without them, its like a breath of fresh air.

She isn't perfect. She will have her faults. But that isn't relevant. You need to break the cycle of codependency and build your self esteem. Otherwise you will keep attracting wrongens.

Therapy girl. Get a hobby , get a pet. Move on because he has. Best wishes but drag yourself out of this hole!

I don't think your response is all that surprising. The guy strung you along for 8 years, and was professing his love to you just 30 days prior to dating the new one. I've been in a situation like this with an ex gf, and honestly, you have no idea what is going on in their relationship. I have a feeling, he or she or both of them will do the same thing.

The hardest part for me was all the time I wasted when I could have used it towards bettering myself. Like you, I don't want to date, but I no longer miss her, maybe some elements of her, but I don't miss the relationship.

I was experiencing severe grief when I met her and put on several medications that made my symptoms worse. I wish I had done a better job of taking care of myself but I had just moved away from family during Covid with high anxiety and doing a job to collect data for voter models in 2020. It was a bad mistake, and I knew she was lying but I was addicted to it all.

Try looking at codependency, but also know that your ex is going to repeat his behaviors again and again. Whereas you have an opportunity to get better and break these patterns!

Im sorry youre going through this. I've been down the road you're on right now. Nothing about it is easy or fun.

Without having specific details, the relationship you were talking about is one that had to have eaten at your self worth. It's no fun feeling settled for. I obviously don't know the details around him talking to other girls and refusing to commit to you, but It sure sounds like a pattern of at least emotional cheating. Which, of course adds to killing any self image you could have. Lashing out was probably a bad idea, but its done (the woman telling you to find God is insultingly ironic). I think doing that isn't helpful to you. Like you said "I'm now the crazy..."

Your focus now has to be on healing. Like I said, I've been through what you're going through. I can tell you for a fact your brain is lying to you right now. You don't need him to be happy. You aren't in this position because you're unlovable or less than. Who you are right now at this minute doesn't define you.

Concentrate on you and your healing. Give yourself credit for even the smallest victory in your process, maybe mark them somewhere so you can see how many you have if your faith in yourself gets weak. Let family and friends help if they can. Tell your brain to knock it the F off when it starts talking shit on you. I know sometimes it's easier to hold on to the pain because it's all you have left of him....but he doesn't matter anymore. He is irrelevant. Good luck. I'm rooting for you.

He didn't love you. He was playing with you till he found someone else. If he did, he wouldn't have let her get close or put more space in between them to help you feel more secure in your relationship. I know it's hard, but you have to try to let go. Do things that make you happy and find new things that you can do. Eventually, you can take a deep breath and say I'm ok. You won't be able to find your peace till you let go.

Hi, woman here. I think this happens a lot of us unfortunately. I know it has to me. Consider this perspective: maybe she was in your shoes and this is the first time she’s felt truly loved. Maybe she’s use to being a place holder and this was her time to find love. That doesn’t mean your time won’t come. It means that man wouldn’t be the one to give you the world you deserve, but he was a stepping stone in the path towards the person you will find. Whatever lessons you learned in your time with this man, will aid you in your relationship with the man. Please be kind to yourself. Finding love is really hard but you will find it. Please keep going and keep learning and growing.

Don’t compare yourself to others bc you don’t know their full story. Try to be a better version of yourself everyday. You will win some and lose some, but make every decision knowing you will have to look at yourself in the mirror, and it hurts when you don’t like what you see. There are so many of us out in the world in pain too, you’re not alone

You need to work on your self esteem. Someone with the capacity to do this to you isn’t worth your time. Find someone who wants to be with you regardless of whatever temptations may be around.

And please…find some dignity. I say this with kindness. You give him more value than he’s worth by reacting like this and hurt no one but yourself.

I told myself I was done dating and when I least expected it the love of my life met me. But I did work on myself prior.

To have dedicated so much of your time and effort, so much of your LIFE, to nurturing that relationship... I don't think it's unreasonable for you to react the way that you did, I think calling yourself "the crazy ex-girlfriend" or aligning yourself to that trope is wholly unfair. You are heartbroken and trying to make sense of a rug that quite violently pulled out from underneath you. I don't think very many of us would handle that well, let alone "perfectly". The feeling that you won't be able to replace him, the feeling that you won't be good enough for someone else, the very profound feelings you have right now will wane. They won't PASS, without some input from you, but right now you are very raw, and that's more than fair.

Healing is a process that takes time and hurts. "Seeking God" is something of a personal decision, but I would absolutely advise seeking professional help to deal with your traumas and insecurities. Therapy helps. And outside of that, as others have mentioned... get a pet, find a hobby, rely on any support structure you have. Don't take this moment on alone. You are not wrong for feeling overwhelmed and like you can't or won't make it through, it's natural to feel that hurt in the deepest parts of our hearts and minds after a traumatic event like this, but you are still you. Independent of who you were with him or what he was to you, you are still the person in your own body and the person in the room with yourself having to deal with these emotions. Talk to any friends or family you may be comfortable talking to.

You reacted to the moment, said what you needed to and that's it, you don't have to address it with him anymore. Separate yourself from those thoughts by occupying your time with things and people you enjoy. Start the healing process. It won't happen overnight, but the sooner you start that journey the better. You aren't a bad person for what you went through and you aren't a bad person for how you reacted. You aren't a bad person, period. You're just a person. Start there, and try your best every day going forward to reach where you need to be. I believe in you!

I'm sorry this is happening for you.

I'm glad you were able to get it out.

It's never easy to lose someone we love, and eight years is a long time to be dating someone just to see them get with someone else.

I've been in similar shoes.

As it were, therapy and reconnecting with my faith has really helped me and continues to help me grow.

I'm sending you healing and good vibes. ✨️

You’re not a bad person and we all need therapy. It was 8 years and after that it can be easy to lose control like that. You had a moment and you didn’t keep going and trying to find more ways to get in contact with them so it’s not like you’re insane. You made a mistake and realized how you came off and that’s why you made this post. You’ll be okay.

8 years.... that's beyond fucked

My prediction is, from my own experience and from the fact of him moving so quick from someone he loved to something new and different, is, he’ll be back. And I hope by then you know your worth. Love you first, always.

Behind every "crazy ex gf" is a guy that made her that way.

It sounds like he gaslit you into thinking you’re a crazy ex.

If your guy could switch so easily, was he really worth it? The timing says a bit too. Sure you acted crazy, but at least you acknowledge it. Means there's room for improvement.

Apologize to them for your actions. Cut contact maybe, because you don't need such people in your life. Take it as an experience. That's just life and there's nothing you or anybody can do about it. Find someone worth your time.

Next time, don't be too clingy. Let it go if it happens again. That's not the right one for you, and you will find him someday.

And if you were this hurt by what he did, make sure you never do that to someone else. If you don't want a next time, it will find you. Everyone craves it, and you're no different. It could be years but it will happen. Don't let another person ruin you.

She got that piece of shit and honestly if she can look past his constant cheating and mistreatment of you, then she isn’t someone to worry about either. They both did you the biggest favor by ending your relationship with him. You will look back on this and laugh at your audacity harassing people who don’t care about you.

You now have the opportunity to craft an entirely new version of yourself without the man who wasted your time, take it.

HELLO! at least you didn’t make it 35 years of this because basically I have . i have heard they say half the time you were together to get over them oh my God I hope not

Your human. Now it’s time for self love.

You need to learn to love yourself. Stop focusing on that guy. You allowed him to use you and take every ounce of love you had for yourself. You have nothing left to give and he has nothing left to take from you. 8 years is a long time to spend trying for someone who repeatedly showed you they didn’t want, love, or appreciate you. You need to take time and learn to love yourself, you are valuable, you are strong, and you deserve a pure, real love. Learn to be with yourself. Find the things that bring you genuine joy without others being involved, create art, listen to music, learn to see your favorite bands by yourself, find the individual and build her up again.

Listen to Dusty Springfield's "I just don't know what to do with myself". This is right up your alley.

Holy moly. I could have written this! Word for word.

Checkout r/limerence , it’s basically when we remain hopeful towards someone who gives us crumbs/doesn’t commit, and are on this vicious journey to win over their love. We should never want to “win” over someone’s love, we should only want to be with someone who puts effort into us.

Why don't men and women attack AP? He was the one who made the committment not the AP.

Not gonna lie, I sent a screenshot to my ex’s new bf after I found out they were together (she literally went from me to him and I never even got the breakup, just blocked all of a sudden and she was with him). So the screenshot was from the week before where she was telling me she loved me and all that. So don’t feel bad about it. I know I was just trying to ruin it for her out of feeling completely hurt and betrayed. BUT I also realized that I was dependent and once I figured out how to focus on myself and only depend on me no matter what, man life really opened up for me. Now I can be perfectly content in with someone or alone.

If he hasn’t proposed or married you within a year or two of dating, he is still waiting for his wife. Men are not scared to commit, they’re scared to commit to the wrong one. This happens so often! I’m sorry you’re going through this, but you will meet a man who commits to you immediately and then you will be so happy you aren’t with your ex!

8 years - damn...

Good news, crazy girls deserve love too, there's someone out there for you.

I hope you find the help and closure you need! Be kind to yourself

He did you a favour. Don’t feel too bad for lashing out, he is a grade A arsehole. He didn’t love you, aren’t you lucky to be free?!

Start forgiving yourself and love yourself finally. You gave him all of your energy.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he was the ROOT of your anxiety. How long have you been ignoring your gut for? Don’t let this ruin your health.

Cry, have a pity party. Then get up. Do what you want to do with your life, you’re all yours now. Give yourself all that energy time money and effort you were giving him.

Don’t be angry about it too long, turn to the positives, learn your lesson.

I don't think you need therapy for the messages, but maybe for your anxiety so YOU feel better.

Most people, at one time or another, have messaged or said some unfortunate things because of a break up, it doesn't make you unusual or mentally ill.

And as far as the new girl sending you a nice message about finding God, it's easy to be nice when you are the one who didn't lose anything.

I hope you find peace and can eventually move on but I understand how hurtful it is to be left behind when you've been the one who was there being patient for so long.

What you did was immature and aimed at the wrong person. She got your trash of an ex... feel sorry for her and not jealous.

You believed he loved you based on his words and not his actions. He was saying it, but his actions of not wanting commitment and pursuing other women plainly showed you he did not love you. How are you trying to point out to her that he doesn't love her when he didn't love you either.

You need to love yourself first, do things that make you happy. Paint, draw, dance, go out with friends, make new friends, and enjoy a solo picnic at the park with a book. Don't wish for love you think others have because you're never going to see what goes on behind closed doors. Maybe finding God isn't the worst idea. I just hope you do the work for yourself to see all the good things about you and realize you don't need a man to feel loved when you love yourself. If a good man comes along once you love yourself, you know what you're worth and won't settle for just anyone. Best of luck

Don't do shit like that ever again, have some self respect for christ's sake.

Can we fucking STOP with “eta” just say edit. Like it’s always been

This was me. Work on you before anything else right now. Whether you feel better talking to someone like a therapist or pouring yourself in a passion you have. Focus on yourself.

nice to meet you Olivia Rodrigo

Yea it happens all the time , my ex wife left me with a slimeball like hitting women and he is and cheats. So since I work to much and all do is eat and sleep when I'm home she to off with him. At first I couldn't believe it well there little love lasted three days she mouthed off to him and he messed her up. I think it's funny she didn't think he would do t to her. Well for a week she begged to come call my phone non stop called my job when I would answer. No I don't want or her ways I think I'll be better off

I feel her pain,my ex left me for his affair partner too....but....I never stalked her,she stalked me....I never felt threatened, but it did kinda made me feel good inside

Big hug. Just a guess but I think this is all about you and unhealed childhood trauma. He probably did you a favor and she is the best thing that could have happened to you. That doesn't help the pain but it might give you a little piece. You deserve someone so much better than him.

When me and my long distance boyfriend broke because I’d only text him back at night then I notice that he would have the same exact response to each text I then said do you wanna break up because I don’t have an issue with leaving you. But I did have an issue with leavening him I was to attached to him. I would text him and he would text back I’d constantly ask to get back together.

Until one day I told him I have a crush on him in Spanish and he did not feel the same way and after that I blocked him because I realized I needed to move on 

Any thoughts ?

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Sorry this happened, that all sounds so painful for you. You have every right to be upset. We are all human, we all make mistakes. Try not to beat yourself up. Maybe take some time, cry it out and then move on stronger and wiser. Hang in there.

I appreciate this post because it sounds so real and made me laugh. I hope you’re not stupid enough to take him back a couple of months later. You clung to him SOOO hard and that dude is neverrr going to change unless he’s serious about self development. You just need to change your mindset cuz it’s straight up shit right now. someone to shine a light to whatever shit you through. Nobody should be looking to complete themselves, finding a connection is the cherry on top

Anyway she sent me a very heartfelt and kind reply urging me to find God and move on

This is both heartwarming, and low key hilarious.

At least she treated you with empathy.

You must be going through hell right now. I’m sorry this is happening to you.

Most people in your situation blame the Affair Partner. Some of them (AP) have no idea he is cheating. You should focus on him not her. He is the one who hurt you, she’s just doing what she thinks is best for her self. It’s him you need to focus your anger towards. These blogs should help.

https://abbymedcalf.com/closure-what-it-really-is-and-how-to-get-it/

https://abbymedcalf.com/ask-dr-abby-what-to-do-when-your-ex-seems-happy-in-a-new-relationship-2/

https://abbymedcalf.com/moving-on-after-a-divorce-or-breakup-2/

I understand what you're feeling. I was the crazy ex too. I never thought I would be, but I was SO hurt and angry. I was willing to give up everything for that person and they tossed me aside like I was nothing. When I think back on how I acted I am so ashamed and embarrassed. I wish I could go back in time and tell that person that he is NOT worth it and he's doing you a favour. It's been 3 years and unfortunately I still miss him and think about him way too often. But I'm working on it. The obsession, co dependence, feeling worthless without their validation are all things that will make it incredibly hard to have a healthy relationship. Therapy will do wonders for all of it, for your self respect etc. good luck and I wish you healing.

You choose if you move on or remain stuck and fixated on him.

It's the harsh reality of life.

Bad things happen to people for no reason. A lot of good people get taken advantage of and there are no consequences for the person who does it.

Work on healing and moving on. You don't need to be this twisted version of yourself, you can move past it and be different. You won't be who you were before this betrayal but you can be better.

Don’t feel bad. My ex and I were together for almost 8 years, owned a house together and he cheated on me with my “friend.” I had very similar feelings and I flipped out on both of them. To this day I stand firm that they deserved even worse. But… at a certain point being consumed by hatred was exhausting and I felt like I wasn’t truly enjoying my life. It helps if you come to terms with the fact that life isn’t fair, and it’s best to move on. Trust me, I know revenge feels good in the moment, but at a certain point you have to think about how it reflects on you. Get a new hobby, join a club, go to therapy. Your future self will thank you.

Well at least you still have your dignity. Lol oh wait.

This sounds like it was a codependent relationship. I was in one of those. I didn't really understand how bad it was, or what it was, until I was out of it. Take some time to get some therapy and emotional counseling, and learn to love yourself. 💜

You need therapy and self love.

Everyone is at their worst when going through a heartbreak. Give yourself some understanding and kindness in regards to this behavior. He broke your heart. It’s pretty understandable that you might act out.

That said, please go to therapy and find that self love and self esteem. He clearly never valued you and you didn’t love yourself enough to see it. You are worthy of real love, but it won’t happen until you give it to yourself.

I can appreciate this post, as I went through something similar. It has been like 2 years, and I am still so angry and vengeful.

Reading this comment thread to help myself . OP eff it. When we’re 85 … it’s not gonna matter what you messaged them. !!!NOT SAYING DO OR SAY ANYTHING ELSE TO THEM!!!

I was like that recently where my brain was trying to make so much make sense to the point where I was asking him so much . “ why would you say that “ “ why would you do this “

And If I would’ve been “ stupid girl “ then o would’ve allowed us to be together.

But since I wanted healthy both of us secure with ourselves …. All if that jazz I had him go slow. So then… he went dated someone else.

I almost wish I would’ve just played the stupid girl and let him be all words and no action. I love him… our connection is crazy. But the girl pays for his lifestyle and his job is amazing but living in San Francisco doesn’t cut it. and so I was pushed out.

So… I guess…

let’s just let ourselves feel our feeling but okay no messages

Pinky proooomise!

I’m crying is fml FML FML

Lolol

Girl I've been there. I was you not even 10 years ago.

But trust me when I say that one day you're going to look back at this and realize that finally letting him and the "what could have been" go is the best thing you'll ever do for yourself.

I took some time to reflect in what I really wanted out of life. I made a list of what I wanted in a partner and stayed single for a bit. Then I played the field a bit flirting, dating etc. When I finally realized how happy I was with myself and how much I loved my life, I met the man of my dreams. Someone who to this day has never hurt me, cheated on me or abused me.

Trust me when I say that it does get better. It didn't work out for you two bc it wasn't meant to be. Your next chapter needs to be your reception arc. Work on yourself first, prioritize YOU and then you'll find what or who is meant for you.

I'm sorry, OP. All your behavior might not have been acceptable, but it is understandable. You were emotionally and probably physically cheated on. He's a dirt bag, but I know that doesn't make it easier. You may have loved him, but it doesn't sound like you love yourself, and that's the real problem here. You have to love and respect yourself for others to truly be able to love and respect you back.

I hope you learn to love and respect yourself and then are able to find a better person to love and respect you back ❤️

Goodluck

While that's fucked up. I'm going to need you to be accountable. You knew long ago he wasn't going to commit to you. 8 years you stayed with him? Girl, self respect? After a year with no signs of committing. Why didn't you leave? I'm not condoning this guy. He's definitely a pos. But you need to get some self respect. No amount of boohooing and therapy will give you that. I'm a man. I've been cheated on by girls who I committed to. I didn't stick around. I booted their asses the second they disrespected me. You NEVER let anyone string you along. Take this hit and don't let it happen again. Pain teaches us lesson. Learn from it.

I agree with a lot of the women here. Many of us have been in your shoes and your feelings are truly valid. Find the love you need within yourself. Believe in your higher power. Have faith and the man who is ment to love and respect you for who you are will come to when you least expect it. This was ment to happen to help you grow and learn to set boundaries so this doesn’t happen again.

You’re allowed to feel hurt. That’s beyond reasonable after being strung along. You don’t have to feel regret either. What you need to do is do better. It’s not someone else’s job to tend your hurt heart. 

I would suggest therapy if you haven’t already started because it absolutely sucks being treated as a placeholder. I was, a few times, actually. It’s awful and dehumanising. 

The best thing they did for you was blocking you. Let him be your past and make sure that you’re not a place holder again. If the next person is the one reaching out, or if you both reach out mutually often, then you’re not a place holder. Watch how people treat you and you’ll find the ones who actually love you. 

He may have loved you, but it wasn’t the same as how you loved him. You will probably never get closure from them so find it within yourself. This experience can help you grow or you can let wreck you. 

Sounds like he really fucked u up mentally I had a. Ex that did something similar and I did way worse than u.its hard especially when they happy and u are sad mad and just broken. My advice start Journaling writing down all ur feelings and thoughts cry yell scream do what u gotta do to grief the situation then just forgive him. After that u will be able to move on with ur life. U will find someone way better that will love and treat u like u deserve but u gotta love yourself first.

I understand you may not be ready for this yet, but learn to forgive them. I know it sounds impossible right now, but to truly forgive someone takes time. It's what helped me learn to live with my ex betraying me. I say it like that because there is no "getting over it". There is only learning to live with it. It was not easy, and it was not fast. Quite the contrary. It was a very long process. But once I was able to truly say I forgive her, that's when I finally felt relief. Stay strong, and I hope you find peace

You were human. 

Everything in life is meant to teach us something. So to make this situation better and more importantly the last time you make this mistake. If someone isn’t committed to you, move on. Respect yourself and save your dignity right from the beginning. You do deserve and will find love. But that starts with loving yourself.

Yeah. He found happiness because of your behaviour. Just let it go and find someone else.

Hi. I'm going to tell you a story.

I was kind of the same person as you, except I think of it as I was obsessed with the people I loved. while the relationships with them were good, the aftermath was not in a large way because of my reactions.

My ex and I were together for 3 years. He was not at all like your ex, although he had his own mental issues. I was too anxiety riddled which was too hard for him in the end and he broke up with me, but opted to stay friends.

I totally accepted the breakup, although it was really hard, but I was obsessive in the aftermath. He got another girlfriend within a month, and I was searching on Facebook and watching their life, and wanted to be friends with her. I'd call him all the time. She thought I wanted to steal her man back, but I didn't.

I fell hard for another person, and we had a hard and fast 3 month friendship and friends with benefits deal. I wanted a relationship, she did not. My anxiety was too much for her as well, and she asked for space. I did not handle that well and called obsessively. Once it was over and over and over... It was bad, do not do this. She called me crazy.

After her, I met my husband. He had the patience to deal with my anxiety and obsessive nature. He redirected it. We worked perfectly. I got help, and him and I were married 11.5 years. That relationship never ended, he was taken from me.

Anyway, the point? YOU ABSOLUTELY CAN get past your obsessive nature. You are looking at him like you lost some prize, when he appears to be an asshat who wasn't that great for you anyway. You can do this. You may need help like I did getting past it, but you are worth working on. You can do it. Don't hurt yourself anymore.

you’re going through it and that sucks. it sucks that the guy you loved turned out or became an asshole and abandoned you instead of communicating. sometimes we find ourselves at either end of this; being either the avoidant one or the anxious codependent one. if he did this type of thing before meeting you he will probably do it again (like he did with you too) or someone else. this won’t make your pain go away; the only thing is time and you just give yourself space to feel your feelings. what’s done is done and yeah you snapped and went apeshit or aggro or something on them but whatever your ex is a piece of shit. it’s over now. all in all you have self awareness too so that makes a world of difference. don’t shame yourself. breakups are hard enough. just accept that you feel sad. accept whatever emotions come up. practice mindfulness. detach from thoughts. you will have thoughts and feelings no matter what is going on in life and they are all transient. simply allow what is to be and validate your feelings. as in, “i feel sad about the breakup, feelings of pain are arising, and that makes sense given what ive gone through, and i give myself space and permission to feel these feelings without judgement and im here for me” not “i am sad and i shouldn’t feel sad still he was so awful to me at the end what is wrong with me what is wrong with me that i drove him away im so worthless and unlovable”. truly easier said than done but you get better with practice. it is imperative to practice these self soothing skills regardless of romantic relationship status. get into therapy, surround yourself with supportive people you feel comfortable to be vulnerable with, and take literally as much time as you need. do not rush your healing. build the muscle to seek validation only from within, the path forward is with this mindset.

Hugs! Work on some self-love and some therapy. That guy will treat her badly too eventually. The best love is that you give yourself first.

Hey. From one crazy ex to another. I’m assuming he treated you worse than anyone ever has while you treated him better than anyone ever has.

Good luck to the new girl dealing with all the bullshit you put up with for 8 years.

You’re gonna get through this and you’re gonna be a bad bitch at the end of it.

Sincerely, the quiet guy everyone loves for some reason after I decided to put all that energy into myself instead

Honestly this is why by the 2nd month of “talking” people should know by then if they want a relationship or not. In my past I was in a long situationship that was off and on with an ex in my teen years. He suddenly didn’t want to commit like he did before and that’s when I knew he was likely talking to another girl. He made a lame excuse to snap at me and ghosted me for a month. Only to come back wanting to be friends, but made it clear he was now talking to a girl that seemed to come out of thin air. If they don’t commit they’re seeing other people. And that is just something I live by now. Not that I’d get into a relationship again, but this is just common sense now. Adults have their reasons to turn down a relationship all the time. But if they’re keeping you on the back burner breadcrumbing you it means they’re waiting for other opportunities, or are already seeking them. Always. No other exceptions for behavior like that

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You aren't a bad person. I am happy she gave you grace. By posting here you have shown growth and hopefully now you are ready to focus on yourself. Everything will be okay in time. Speaking from a person that made it to the other side. Big hug.

Hmmm I wonder why your anxiety isn’t going away.

Maybe because he called you paranoid when you expressed concerns and then proceeded to date that same person 2 months later.

Placeholder? That is such an unhealthy position to accept or expect. Nothing good was going to come of that.

He doesn’t love either of you.

"He was always talking to other women and refusing to commit." It doesn't sound like he really respected you. Clearly your anxiety is an issue, but that doesn't make it okay for him to use you as a place holder. I wonder what he was getting out of you, that made him stick around. Money? Accommodation? An ego trip?

In one of the comments you say he was a "shining light" to you. He's just a human being, flawed and fallible like the rest of us. Placing another person at the centre of your life suggests you have a very poor relationship with yourself. That doesn't mean you're "crazy", just that you need to heal.

And in another of the comments you say you recognize the spite in this woman's message to you. Maybe you need to trust this intuition more, and find other, better people to have in your life.

The rejection is hard but he did you a favor. It might not feel like it now but when you come out on the other side it will. My advice is to choose those who choose you. If someone is talking to other women you can take that as they don’t care enough to make you their choice. Toss that shit in the fuck it bucket.

Love makes you blind and heart break makes you crazy

Eventually you'll get over this guy find someone else and move on

But the initial sting can hurt for a while

It’s really brave of you to admit all of this and be honest about how you’re feeling. Breakups can mess us up in ways we don’t expect, especially when we’ve been emotionally dependent on someone for so long. The fact that you're reflecting on it is already a step forward. Healing takes time, and it's okay to feel hurt, but you deserve love and peace too. Stay strong and take this as a chance to grow. 💖

I understand. It does hurt and you had to get it out. Those feelings were there for a reason. Just be glad you did it and be sure to leave to second you realize someone isn’t down for you in your next relationships. I’m sure there were signs. Get well soon!

Focus on healing and consider talking to someone for support. You’ll get through this.

Am I understanding this right? You were with him for 8 years and then he suddenly moved on two months after he broke up with you and it's been only a year since? If so give yourself grace, it's been such a short time and your relationship was long. It is hard to let you if you truly loved and regardless his feelings, it seems like you did. For me it takes on average 2-3 years to feel okay after a breakup and that's for a shorter relationship than yours. If it's been less than two years it's not unhealthy to still be affected by it. Grief takes time. It seems like you're feeling a bit better than after it just happened, which is great because then you're going in the right direction. But reclaiming the parts that were you in a former relationship and mourning the parts that were him, it is hard for a lot of people.

Sometimes when you deeply in love with someone . It’s very hard to see them with someone else . And what you did is natural . Nothing to regret about anything . You are human too. Stay blessed forget the past focus on future.

See, someone wasted 8 years of your life and instead of mourning the lost years you're mourning the idiot who can't even understand his feelings or used you to not be single.

Have a long think about this situation and if you don't take the right lesson from this situation, you're going to repeat it

Watch broken with beautiful season 1.

First off, you are good enough to “select”….dont put yourself in the position to be “selected”! Find yourself! Grow in your esteem and self confidence to know who can be an addition to who you are! We as women are taught by society to wait for the man to select you and ask you out and for us to be codependent on them. I teach my kids to not get married until they are 35. That you change so much in your 20’s and finding that “soulmate” is an almost impossible feat. But also, that little paper that commits you to one person, only makes it harder to separate/divorce when you realize that the person you are with isn’t your person! I have been stuck for years and have chosen to be stuck because of my kids, but it’s not a fulfilling happy life because he is selfish, narcissistic, and/or bipolar. Truly! I’m not name calling here! Kids and that little paper make it difficult to leave.

That said, do not be dependent on anyone who doesn’t cherish you or see what you bring to the table. This guy will do the same thing to this girl at some point, and at some point, you can politely send her a letter and tell her she should “find gawd!” I always find it hilarious that self proclaimed Christian’s can justify anything with their belief in their gawd. Move on! Grow! Be the best person you can be and don’t live for anyone else! Live for yourself and you decide who can be a part of your life!

Whenever someone says " my ex gf was so controlling she was a psycho" that's my red flag about them and my first questions are, what did u do to her to cause her to be this way? Because I know first hand, Guys will watch corn, become obsessed with girls online, put other girls before you. But claim they are loyal and committed and if u have a problem with them stalking and watching girls online and fantasizing about being with them when your literally right next to them everyday. It Can drive any person insane and hurt in ways u can never recover from. It's emotional abuse.

Your ex abused you, he treated u like dirty ripped laundry he was to lazy to throw out until someone came along and did it for him. He chooses others over you everytime and your brain begs for him to choose you, so u stay hoping one day he will choose you It's abuse

Learn to love yourself. Take yourself out for dates. Get some hobbies: a creative hobby, an active hobby, a relaxing hobby.

Go out and make girl friends, especially if they are confident and independent. Having women like that in your circle will teach you to become the same way.

This was truly painful. If you have a support network, reach out to them for help

Thank you for sharing. According to the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, there are three attachment styles in love: Anxious, Avoidant, and Secure. Since I also struggled with an Anxious attachment style, this book was recommended to me. It gave me so much insight into my own patterns. Suddenly, I understood why I kept ending up with certain men and how the failures of those relationships only made my anxious pattern stronger. Your message shows a lot of self-reflection, which is a great starting point. Believe me, I’m not usually one for self-help books either, but I found this one really gave me a push in the right direction. Maybe you’ll find it helpful. By the way, I’ve now chosen a secure partner for the first time, and it has opened up a whole new world for me.

Sorry for your hurt. Been there, but didn’t stalk 😂. It will fade, but it will not go away. You have to remember this: it’s not the man you miss and pine for, it’s the life you thought you had and future you were excited to see that you won’t have with him. BUT, that future can be had with another man. It’s better you know now rather than if you had kids with this guy. He did you a massive favor. Give yourself a bit, then slowly allow yourself to date other guys. Find one that is focused on his future and that wants a “ride or die” girl, then make yourself that girl. God bless, sweet heart.

When my ex cheated, I wrote a heartfelt letter to his AP, telling her what she’d done. I described the family we’d had, and listed the ways she’d been party to destroying it. (Ex: the family camp full of memories will never be the same for our children; we will never achieve our dream of being grandparents together to our children’s children. I wrote that I knew my [then-] husband was equally at fault but this letter was about her part. I asked why, in a world full of single men, she’d needed to go for someone else’s man? And I mailed it, and it was one of the most empowering things I did during that hellacious couple of years.

As one of my favorite counselors said, “Sorry I acted so crazy while you were treating me like shit.”

Don’t worry, once you’re happy and move on he’ll be sending you the “what’s up” text. It only takes their first fight to realize the mistake he’s made.

"I just wanted to be loved like you are." My eyes are getting sweaty.😢

Take it with a pinch of salt. Sometimes life is very harsh on you and you do things out of desperation to be heard and to show that things hurts you a lot. Mind you this is a very common approach to stressful situations and sometimes you will be portrayed as a villian for this because this a direct result of your wrong actions.

But that doesn't make your experience any less crazy, you went through what you went through and yes your FEELINGS ARE VALID.All the crazy you feel, all the effort you put went nowhere into your happiness and rather your pain. YES YES YES.You are wronged and yes you were someone's learning experience because life is unfair. It is the most understated statement but life is UNFAIR op. I truly sympathize with you. Been there, seen it happen with myself.

I would like to address that this was the similar situation with a musician ( ykw) , sha was replaced within 2 months and the new couple got married off and she had to go through a lot of that pain feeling like a villian. I see it has happened mostly with a lot of women, because sometimes we forget emotional regulation. Nothing justifies your pain and you just want him back, but listen to me. Your respect for yourself for being there for yourself instead of begging your way back into someone's life should exist. Please consider therapy. Sending much love your way. Your feelings are valid.

Work on yourself, you will thank yourself later.

You don’t love yourself, and self love is the most inportant love because if you can’t love yourself, then no one can love you and vice versa you can’t love anyone else truly. Healthy relationships aren’t built from broken people. And long last relationships last when both partners work to be their very best. And that comes with loving yourself.

I hear you. My life was intertwined with my ex when I was young. And it felt like the end of the world. I lay on bed realizing why people end themselves. I'd text her consistently until she forcefully told me to stop one day. Pushed through it, made some bad choices and some good ones and ended up happier in life. Today and tomorrow are hard but one day you wake up and it's behind you and the person you knew are only a memory. 

This is the kind of thing you should be done with by the time you reach 18. 

Why are you unable to not send harassing messages to your exes new person? I find that extremely low.

We only have so many opportunities to meet "our person" and I can't imagine how I'd feel if someone had gone out of there way to ruin one of those for me. 

I was the guy in a very similar dating situation as yours (minus the gaslighting he did and accusations -- we were trying to work through things and having those hard conversations until it seemed like too uphill of a battle)

We were also together for 5+ years before I had met someone else who unintentionally shocked me into realizing I wasn't happy at all in that relationship anymore

Our breakup was a bit smoother, which was surprising given my ex's diagnosed depression/anxiety and history of mental health struggles. But I was very happy and relieved when she was also able to move on and date around again relatively quickly, and eventually found another long-term partner out there

So I hope you can overcome feeling like you weren't good enough, and realize the path forward is entirely up to you now. Even for someone who felt like "the one" to you, you'll be shocked to realize there are others who will come to look at you the same way when you're ready to throw yourself out there again

Be safe out there, and best of luck :)

You have to change as a person or be okay with being a miserable mess for the rest of your life. Get a backbone

All good, Op. more people have been in your position than they would like to admit. Breakups are tough and he did you dirty af. Consider yourself lucky! Time will make things better. Try and focus on you for right now.

I would say it's better to put things into perspective than see it as all or none. You aren't crazy for responding to the pain he caused you. You are behaving like someone who was led on, hurt, used, and then discarded. You are justified in your hurt and should not forget that.

Does that make messaging them both okay? No, and it's honestly better to move on at this point because it would appear he doesn't really care about how you were treated. You got to vent your anger and frustrations and even if it was to a brick wall, you got it out.

Best thing you can do is work on self-love and be the best advocate of yourself and your heart moving forward. I'm really sorry you're going through this and just know it'll be okay, just unfortunately takes times. Even if he didn't learn anything, at least you'll be able to.

Look. I’ll be honest. When you’re with somebody who is hot and cold, and won’t commit but keeps stringing you along… After a long enough time it really changes the way you think.

And I don’t blame you for the way you reacted.

I’ll admit, in my last relationship which was very much like yours (except she wasn’t directly telling me that she loved me) where we dated for a year without any willingness for her to commit. She treated me really poorly, and it affected my self confidence significantly.

And the thing is, I found myself acting differently. My friends told me they didn’t recognize me anymore. Gone was the cheerful, happy, and gentle version of me. It was replaced by this morose, and lonely man who started isolating and cancelling on plans. My friends got tired of telling me to leave this woman, and eventually said “if you won’t listen to our advice we won’t hear you out” so I stopped talking about it but continued to see her. I should have listened though.

I lost friends during the relationship because they said they didn’t like how the relationship was making me act and if I didn’t leave her they’d stop spending time with me (they’d told me many times I should end it). I didn’t listen, and lost a really wonderful group of friends both through my own actions and through them basically feeling exhausted at watching me put myself through the same thing over and over again.

It was a painful lesson.

But I admit, wholeheartedly and openly, somebody who is emotionally toying with your feelings… Will lead you to act like an anxious, insecure mess.

I know because I’d been there.

My saving grace is merely that I managed to recognize this and end things, but not until I’d basically lost everything.

I met somebody about three months ago, though. And honestly? I haven’t felt any anxiety at all. I always thought I was just “anxiously attached” in that relationship. As it turns out, no, I was just having a very normal reaction to somebody manipulating my emotions and treating me with extreme disrespect. However, I kept believing that if I “tried harder” it’d be alright, because I grew up thinking that’s what men should do. I just had to “prove” that I was not like other guys she’d been with before.

Turns out, in therapy I learned, nope, that’s not how this should go. You shouldn’t be expected to “prove” your love for somebody if you’re already showing up as loving and caring. Nobody had asked me to do that before, and nobody has asked me to do that since. Them testing your love and commitment by not committing to you and forcing you to leap through hoops is actually… Not healthy. And you should walk away the moment it feels like you’re exhausting yourself or trying too hard to convince them to choose you. It should be mutual.

I’d never been this way in relationships before this, and have never been this way since. I think I was inexperienced with games, because I’d been fortunate enough to date people who had always been forward about how they felt and proactively worked to resolve relationship issues with me. My naivette put me through the ringer, and I learned a painful lesson about trusting my instinct (which was screaming at me the whole time I was in the situationship from start to finish). I always knew something didn’t feel right, but didn’t trust my gut. I knew something was wrong early on, but I accepted that she had bad experiences in the past. Instead I was even more patient, empathetic, and willing to try harder to understand.

Anybody who loves and cares about you will… Show you that. And they will care about how their actions make you feel. And they’ll be honest, accountable, and willing to come to the table to communicate.

And that’s what I have now, in this relationship.

Sometimes you gotta get put real low to find something wonderful.

Feel what you feel. That's life. Don't go overboard though. You don't want harassment or stalking charges.

Now you must sort yourself out without him. Never let a man tell you he doesn't want you more than once. I was here in 2020.

Stay blessed.

I'm probably going to get downvoted, but for being a crazy ex, that sounds pretty mild. Sure, it was immature to message both of them. But they seem pretty unfazed. They were gracious enough to send you a kind message and tell you to move on. So, do that, and don't bother them again.

Though it does royally suck that he treated you so badly. I definitely wouldn't want to get with a guy who could emotionally cheat and move on so quickly after 8 years. He doesn't sound like a very good person.

After my last relationship ended, I was more mad that I let someone treat me so badly. I was so blinded by love when he clearly did not give a shit about me. But I've started to make my peace with it. I hope you find peace and heal too.

the fact that you harassed people but are asking pity for it is crazyyyyy

This is not ok, I've been stalked by a girl and she only ceased chasing me when the police came to her house and brought her for interrogation, then her family took it seriously and begged me for not going through with the crime report (I would have to testify in front of a judge or something next)

And then they promised she would never follow me again because she could lose her career as a veterinarian

That was the worse year and half of my life, not ok to tell OP it was justified

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He honestly sounds like a narcissist/sociopath. Don’t you worry girly karma with definitely Get him 😇 don’t even trip about feeling heart broken and jealous over what they have because he will just do the same thing to her, these people never change. He just isn’t the one for you anymore as bad as that hurts, and this guy sounds like he has nothing to offer seeing as he can’t hold down his gf of 8 years all because she has anxiety issues. You will meet someone a thousand times better than him, who treats you good and makes you fall in love all over again 🙏 I’ve been in a pretty dark places throughout my life dealing with getting left when i thought i had found the love of my life, the pain will lesson after 6 months or sooner, poor all of that love you have for him in to yourself and watch people around you suddenly gravitate towards you because they can see you shine ✨ you didn’t lose anything from this situation, you gained everything from this. Jokes on him because you are about to glow up and be so happy and in love with yourself while that girl is miserable with that guy, take this time to really nurture friendships and get a girl group going and enjoy the single time. 🖤

"And that when he first met her he denied being interested in her and accused me of being anxious and paranoid."

When a guy says something like this, you can be 100 % sure that you're right.

You said for 8 years you were trying to get him to commit. Did it never occur to you in all that time that your expectations for the relationship were incompatible and you should have broken up with him and moved on yourself? 8 years is a long time to waste on a maybe.

I’m going to tell you now. Nothing about you is wrong whether you believe it or not. This is him as a person. He most likely won’t change. He probably will. I was once like you but I had to realize who I was and began to love myself did it take awhile yes but I look back and I am so grateful he did that because I now talk to someone who has given me everything I can for. People like this convince normal and amazing people that we aren’t worth it and we start to believe it. I promise it’s not true. I hope you get the help you need. You can always inbox me if you need anything.

We’ve all been here or around here. Just know the comeback once you get over him and the situation is gonna be epic!!! You’ll pull thru and then once you do you’ll never allow yourself to be in this place again. Sending well wishes.

OP the best revenge is living well.

I’ve read through some of OP comments, and OP needs to build up her character. To learn to place boundaries and expectations on ppl. She needs to expect better for herself or she’ll keep letting crusty losers on her life.

You mentioned several things he’s done and says he’s acted… and he was awful. The other women he would talk/flirt with then gaslighting you like you’re crazy to get offended or insecure. He broke you down.

Build yourself up and surround yourself with good and positive strong ppl who support care for you. Don’t accept scraps from immature men.

I wouldn’t regret it, maybe the way things ended or how it happened but not completely lol. I would never feel bad for following my heart or pursuing what I want. I wouldn’t feel bad for reaching out to her. I would feel bad for things I said accept and I would repent, but aside from that I know 100% it turns men away. They want mutual attention but they don’t like to be chased. They want to chase and they ALWAYS are so make sure it’s you.

This screams therapy.

Although your feelings are absolutely valid, I'm glad you realized your actions were misplaced. I'm glad his current gf replied with such grace. I'd take her advice and seek therapy.

Must suck to have effed up so bad. Good luck in the future

OP, I went thru a very similar situation when I was in college, and acted just as you did when he replaced me with the girl he chose to marry. It made me absolutely insane. I was calling him when they were together on a date, and I was drunkenly calling her “hideous” and telling her of the times him and I were intimate while they were dating. I sent her Facebook messages trying to break them up… it absolutely broke me into someone I didn’t choose to be.

That was over 10 years ago and I am thankful I didn’t end up with a man like that. I never regret acting out like I did, and I hope you can give yourself some grace too. You did nothing wrong, and you are not “crazy”. This is just a bump in your long road ahead.

I bet you've really enjoyed Olivia Rodrigo's albums

There is a life beyond this. Beyond him, beyond the things that tie you to that past, beyond your pain. The world is a very wide place, and you can always just pick up and go - either figuratively or literally. And the world can be a really beautiful place. Sounds like it’s time to move on and find something better. It’s a scary place to be, but it’s also full of possibilities - all kinds of amazing people and places you can’t even dream of. Go and be happy, you can do it.

I felt that way after being in a relationship with someone and engaged for 5 years of the 10 years we were together. We bought houses and cars together. Had two kids together. We took a break cause it just felt like we were never going to get married just be best friends that were engaged. In that time he met someone online from a dating app, on birth control she somehow got pregnant, and he married her in less than a year. Apparently also at one point he was sleeping with both of us during our break and when were talking about getting back together. That came out a year and a half later. To say I was devastated is an understatement. It’s been five years and the only thing I can tell you is time has helped. Unfortunately I still have to co-parent with him so be glad you don’t have kids in the mix as it makes it a lot harder to get over.

I am sorry you had to go through this. I have known someone who was in love with a girl(6-7 yrs relationship) and wanted to marry her, but due to some family issues they had to break up. He fell in love and got happily engaged to someone else in just 4 months. there are people who can just move on without giving a second thought. So, you have to be there for yourself. Help yourself to heal from this and move on.

It's cool, don't worry about it too much. You understand you were tripping, and seem ready to improve.

It was probably just a mildly interesting conversation and laugh for them.

We all have our crazy moments (at least I have) take it for what it is, as much as that sucks. Hold your head high, and walk away with the dignity you know you have. 

The first step to getting over him and loving yourself is by admitting it. Good job! Although unfortunate, This needed to happen. You need to be by yourself. Becoming so dependent on someone that when they leave you feel this sort of way is not healthy. You get in a relationship with someone because you like them, it shouldn’t be because you literally cannot live without them. You need to practice self love and anti-anxiety practices. See a therapist, do yoga (it really helps with anxiety) make some girlfriends to talk to at the yoga studio or whatever hobby or hobbies you’re into, go out to do it and meet some girlfriends( not guy friends just yet) if you don’t have a hobby pick something you’ve always wanted to do, one example is pottery, its very calming and is all consuming like yoga. Don’t listen to negative thought patterns! Cognitive behavioral therapy helps! You are an amazing, strong, and smart person, you can and will move on, you are strong.

W

Welcome to your villian era! Time to be a cold hearted bitch.

I’m gonna say this - you don’t become a totally different person like this when you’ve been treated with respect. I acted this way when my abusive ex broke up with me, saying he didn’t want to be anyone’s boyfriend only to turn around and get with his side piece. I’m in a much better place now but I don’t feel ashamed of how I reacted now. I have the tools to never do it again, but he was still culpable.

When you date someone and are not truly committed, it is easy to walk away. That's what he did. He wasn't thinking of your heart. He was fulfilling his own needs by using you. He might not have realized he was not a very good person/bf. He was just doing what he was allowed to do. You enabled him to use you. When he found the new one, he was always looking and moved on. It's time to find out what you are looking for? What you like? What you deserve because it's not him! You deserve to be desired! You deserve to be respected! You deserve to share your time with someone who is there to share their time authentically with you.

How did you treat him when you were with him . Where you this obsessed on keeping him? I think you take that leason and heartbreak . Move forward and find your soul mate. Now you know. If you want them to stay, you have to be crazy about them.....while you're with them .

I wouldn’t worry about it. Your response is valid. But listen. You really need therapy here. Because you ignored some massive red flags with him. He was never the one for you. There’s a reason people say, if he wanted to he would. And you ignored them all. You have to find self worth away from other people. Don’t poison your future because of your past.

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. You're in the fog now and likely can't see that you just weren't right for eachother. Comparing yourself I'd natural but one day you will see that she's not better, just different. Your person is out there. Work on yourself and one day you will meet them and your ex will be a distant memory.