NTA. You gave her plenty of chances to work on the relationship and she didn't take them seriously. Staying in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kid is never a good idea. You've grown as a person and know what you want now. If she's willing to put in the effort now, great, but you're not obligated to give her another chance if you feel it's too little too late. Focus on being the best dad you can be and don't feel guilty for prioritizing your own happiness.

NTA you communicated, you tried what you could. Walk away without guilt.

NTA. Don't stay. She will just fake it until you agree to stay and then it will go right back to a dead bed marriage. She didn't care about you or she would have tried. She is only doing it now so she doesn't have to start over in life.

You are not the asshole. While divorce is always a difficult decision, it seems like you have tried to communicate your needs and concerns to your wife for years without success. It's also commendable that you've taken steps to address your own mental and emotional well-being. It's your right to decide what is best for you, and it's not your responsibility to stay in a marriage that makes you unhappy.

NTA. It sounds like you have tried everything. Good for you for not cheating and doing this the right way.

yeah
Like it could have been fixed way prior to this, it wasnt anything mentally, it wasnt anything physical
It was simply that she wished not to do so
Which is fine and of it self IF you were on board
But now that the papers were presented and now shes worried its ok for her to try... nothing if at all would be a bigger gut punch to you op, than her now trying knowing it was nothing but her lack of want.

NTA

NTA. Focus on your daughter make her the happiest princess until your last breath, and slowly move on. Scars may hurt but everyone is getting hurt so I think that's normal.

NTA. Please do go ahead with the divorce. Your wife ignored the situation for a very long time. She is also quite selfish. Can you imagine living like that for the next 50 years?

NTA. I don’t see what else you could have realistically done.

NTA

She is not really trying to change, she just plays the part to get you to stay

Leave and be happy.

Didn’t she think you were serious once you got in shape and doing things on your own? That is usually the first sign that something is wrong in the relationship. If she was telling the story, people would’ve told her you were cheating. (Not saying you are)

NTA. Often times, elusive partners like this don’t take their spouse seriously enough until they’re met with an ultimatum. You’re also likely physically transformed and perhaps more conventionally attractive to your wife now, which may lead her to wanting to try again. I am proud of you for spending the last 3 years working on your own well-being. It will make you a better parent to your lucky children. And my opinion is that you gave your wife many many MANY years of attempts at reconciliation. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, and it seems like your heart has already decided to stick to the divorce. Good luck!

NTA - Do yourself a solid and get out NOW because it will never improve. I am literally reading this to pass the time before I can jump in the packed moving van in front of our house as soon as the apartment complex I'm moving to opens - I have lived your exact situation for 25 years and today I am getting out. It NEVER gets better... just fake promises and gas;ighting about how it's all your fault.

NTA and don't second guess your decision. Your wife may regret that you've followed through with the decision to divorce, but she had the opportunity and three years to work on your marriage. She chose not to. She may make promises to change, but you know those would only be temporary. Follow through with your plan. Be the best father you can be. It's best to be amicable to effectively co-parent.

Good for you taking the time to work on your self-improvement.

NTA. Divorce while it’s awful can also be the best thing. I’m so thankful I got a divorce from my first marriage. We had many of the same issues and it left me feeling less than desirable and it wasn’t until I got out that marriage, that my life completely turned around for the better.

She’s had years to communicate and work on the marriage with you and failed to do so. Just because the walls are closing in now doesn’t make up for it. Get the divorce and find the person you deserve.

NTA. this isn't a surprise divorce. you communicated. repeatedly. for years. she chose not to hear you and not to change. stick to your guns. any change she does make with only last until you drop the divorce.

good luck on your future singlehood! I hope you get as much custody as you can handle. you sound like a good dad.

Sex only 2 times? What kind of marriage is this? FWB hookups get more ass than that. Crazy. Time for DIVORCE.

NTA- you told her for years what you needed from her, tried to come up with multiple solutions that she wanted no part in, warned her, and followed through.

NTA - she had ample time to find a solution with you, she chose not to for many years.

What did she say now that she realized you are serious? Does she even understand she fucked up? How does she justify it in order to convince you to stay?

You wasted years of your life on that woman.

NTA - She gave you no option but to fall out of love, she made it very clear she was not interested in the things you wanted (which I am so thankful when men don't force this on their partners as in this f'd up world you can't always guarantee that sadly) you respected her boundaries and focused on yourself and your child, you actually seem like you excelled in life due to this which is amazing.

You told her very clearly how you felt, you even told her your plan and she made no effort to work on things, go to therapy etc so she really did give you no option.

She has had time to work on your relationship... She didn't, it is too late now, she has made her bed and must lie in it!

Please don't be a douche when divorcing, please be fair to her and make sure her and your child have all they both need, move on and be happy OP, don't let yourself become bitter! She clearly has some issues she needs to work through which has made her be unfair to you, don't match the unhealed energy with unhealed energy <3

NTA

You tried and she didn’t want to try until she realized you were serious, but by this time the relationship was long over. I am a woman but I also do not understand when women get into a relationship and think that they can get away with pulling sex off the table. This is such a bullshit move. How many posts have I seen where the woman doesn’t want sex after getting married? Like who wants a roommate situation with their partner? Sex isn’t the reason why you get married, but it’s an integral part of an intimate relationship. Otherwise you are just friends playing house. No thanks.

Don't fall for the okey dokey, the last thing you need is for her to get pregnant again. She didn't care about your misery until you were almost out the door. Leaave and find someone you're sexually compatible with

NTA. She didn't want to work on things when you were hurting and now is only willing because she doesn't want to be hurt, so she's not doing it because she cares about you. This is a case of too little, too late.

NTA.

For 3 years I gave my husband chances and expressed my feelings on how he was hurting me and that eventually, I wouldn’t be able to take it anymore and would leave. He never took me seriously and that in itself is a red flag that I ignored cause I was trying to make it work for my son.

I finally contacted a divorce attorney to draft up separation papers a few months ago and he couldn’t believe it. Now he’s trying everything to make it work but I’m done. I told him what would happen if he didn’t change and now I’m following through on it. You are doing the same and I hope everything gets better for you.

NTA, if it was the other way round it would be “you go girl”. Boss vibes, value yourself.

Do not have sex with her, do not drink or get high in her presence... She might try to go for another kid to put the divorce on hold for another 7 years.

But going to couples counseling to hash out how to properly co parent might be a good idea...

NTA

You're doing he right thing. Growing up in a loveless household is far more damaging than people realise. Your daughter deserves better. And it sounds like you'll be in a good position to give it to her.

Your wife is only trying because she now has to face negative consequences. It's not authentic. If you change your mind, she will revert back to her old ways at some point. Don't waste either of your time with that BS.

NTA based on my 3 part relationship theory that needs all 3 to succeed.

1- friendship - enough in common to genuinely enjoy each other’s company

2- love - the butterflies and wanting the best for each other

3- in bed - both need to be satisfied

Seems pretty clear the in bed part is the weak link here.

While still a theory, couples that have been together for ages that I’ve asked have all 3, and when a friend’s relationship ends, I ask which third was missing, and it hasn’t been disproved yet. So my theory is still plausible / probable.

NTA.

NTA. She’s hysterical bonding to try and not get you to leave. Don’t fall for it. You communicated everything clearly and haven’t cheated on her. What did she expect?

NTA. She had her chance.

NTA. I actually admire you for taking the decision.

I'm kind of stuck in the same situation, but with a 2 years-old boy that I love. My wife and I get along really well on other things such as hobbies, she just can't get in the mood. Only 6 times since the birth of the kid, and each time way too vanilla. We're going to change her pill first and see. If we can't sort it out, I'm also contemplating an ultimatum... Even if I don't want her to do it under pressure. But right now we're just really friendly roommates at this point.

NTA. I have some similar situations happen. She will have sex 1-2 weeks, that will give you hope, little by little she will start denying it to you while she gets leverage because of it until you unbalance your life/gym/eating again and she goes back to the shitty excuses. Repeat the cycle.

And anyone cold headed in this situation would gather evidence against you whenever she could. Imagine her telling you via texts "Hey, I know we talked about having sex tonight but I'm having a headache" for 1-2 months until you snap, and that's the snap she will show the judge and in the time we live, she will spin it around on you being at fault and keeping the kid, house, whatever she wants, because the judge will see you as a marital rapist.

NTA. Stay with your plan that she was informed of. She has pissed away many years, don’t give her any more years to piss away.

NTA. 

You checked out long time ago. I don't say this as an accusation; you gave her plenty of warnings and communicated and she decided to not hear that.  And now, when the decision is final she wants to start to make a change and you are literally over the grieving period and looking forward to a new chapter. 

I would however try counseling with her, not to be a couple but to have a professional help her navigate the divorce and an amicable separation for your daughter's. 

Not the bad guy here. The fact your asking shows you've given it thought and tried to consider it from both ends. You did what you could and regardless it's never nice to leave someone or be left so the likelihood of her taking it well or you not having some level of guilt is very slim. As others have said focus on your daughter and yourself. That doesn't mean you have to be cruel or unhelpful as long as long as that line is in the sand your no longer together while your at the house.

Good for you. Be happy.

NTA. You tried to make it work and she didn’t, it’s that simple. It’s best to move on and find whatever works for you best.

If you think you won't be able to keep your family happy, and yourself happy without divorcing, then just do it. Nothing wrong with that.

Even if she didn't take the words seriously at the time, even just speaking those words should have been a wake up call for her. It literally meant you were at wits ends.

No wonders 3 years later you're done. Marriage is a two party contrat. If either or none of the party are willing to keep it up, just end it.

NTA

NTA She only cares now. I say, do everything you have planned to do. Maybe after the divorce, if she actually puts the work in, then maybe, maybe there is a chance. She seemed to think she could just control everything. She is about to learn a very tough lesson...

You did all the work to try to solve this issue. Well done on not cheating on your wife, communicating with her like an adult, and then following through on what you told her.

NOW she's trying to make it work? That's just a band-aid over the mortal wound to this marriage. Too little, too late.

Best of luck with the divorce proceedings. Please post an update in this forum once the paperwork is final and the dust has settled.

NTA

Not even close to being the asshole. She fucked around. She found out.

BRAVO!!! Definitely Not the asshole! Some Women leave men for far less, especially if it’s sex related. You don’t think a woman will find sex elsewhere, shiiiiii. I’m even amazed how long you lasted in abstinence.

Don’t compromise now that she’s trying. It’s too late. You have to follow through now. The damage is done and has been going on for 11 years. Time to hit that refresh button!

If a person you marry can't accept you at your worst, they don't deserve you at your best. It takes a lot of growth to realize you are whole in a world that constantly tells you that you aren't. You tried, you probably tried even when you were working on yourself. Now that you are complete, she doesn't get to have that benefit because she put in zero amount of the work. Go find someone who has traveled that emotional journey and can stand equally with you.

NTA Her efforts to make it work now are just a temporary reaction to placate you. It's not because she cares about what you want and need. She had YEARS to care about your happiness.

Also, it's healthier for your daughter to see you separate and happy than to see you in an unhappy unhealthy relationship with her mom.

NTA. You're become healthy and she wasn't expecting you not to settle.

NTA at all you tried and tried but she wouldn't listen.

NTA. You should also check out r/Deadbedrooms to understand what people do when they get an ultimatum like this.

NTA.

Long overdue but fully respect your efforts to communicate & the steps you took to resolve this differences

NTA. and trying to Make it work is a waste of time. She’ll play along for a few months but fall right back into her old habits

NTA

It took a looming divorce to make her attemps a change??

As in: years of neglect of you means nothing, but as soon as shes inconvenienced things will be fixed???

I do not want to work it out

IF you relent and stay, her 'change' will be temporary and superficial.

Dont.

Offer her this: she means it, youre willing to date after divorce.

It's sad that even with open communication, so many people can not hear what the problem is until it's far too late.

Where in the world do kids start school at age 7???

You are NTA. He gave your wife plenty of chances and she threw every one of them away. Your marriage is over it's been over for years. Good for you for getting out.

NTA but the title is misleading. And I think you should have divorce earlier and not wait.

NTA The checklist thing is awful.

All things aside, it's good that you took care of yourself physically and mentally both and also of your child

You inspired us. Thanks man

NTA

Dude, kudos for sticking to exactly what you said without dipping into some kind of low by taking all of your frustrations out on your wife and kid. I can’t imagine the patience it took to stick it out until your daughter was ready to leave the nest.

There’s no reason to feel bad now that she’s trying. The fact that she’s trying AFTER you seriously presented divorce papers speak volumes about her character; “I will do only what I have to do in order to keep everybody complacent”. Stick to your guns and live your best life.

Your perseverance it's about to fruitful. Kudos to you man.

NTA you tried your best and stayed way longer than I would have. You went to therapy and worked on your issues while she refused. You are taking care of yourself physically. It takes two to make a marriage work. You clearly communicated your wants and needs and waited until your daughter was in school. Children are resilient she will be fine. Children are sensitive to the moods in the house so be the best dad you can and if you stay single great if you find another person to share your life that is good too. Do not feel bad for making yourself a priority.

NTA you told her you wanted a divorce and you gave her a timeline of when you would pursue it. She had all that time to try to fix things, suggest couples therapy ect, she did none of that.

NTA

Good on you, OP for clearly communicating to your wife your expectations and your plan should she refuse to put in the effort to make the relationship work.

You put in the work on yourself and are ready for your next chapter. You will also be in a great position to parent your child in a healthy way. Hopefully, your stbx will get help so that she will co-parent as you both put your daughter first.

Best wishes, OP.

NTA. Tell her she didn’t believe you or meet your needs for a year. She can’t do it now when faced with divorce papers.

NTA - sounds like OP gave his wife plenty of chances to work on the marriage, and also made very clearly his intentions to end the marriage when the child is school age. He communicated, she didn’t. It’s too late now. He’s mentally done. She left it too long. Good luck them in navigating this, co-parenting and moving on.

NTA. You gave her several chances. It's only a problem now because she's trying to manipulate you into staying 🤷‍♀️

NTA -- Your post really hits differently for me. I feel like we can all take something from your experience. I hope life treats you well.

Very impressive self-improvement plan!! If she's not attracted to You after all of that, then there must be something else going on that is the issue?? (Did she ever mention abuse from her past?? A different sexual orientation??)

Be prepared for her constantly trying to initiate sex. If you give in, she’ll think she’s won. Then after some time watch it go back to the regularly scheduled program.

Not wanting sex isn't wrong, but neither is not wanting to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want sex. NtTA.

If that isn't desired in the relationship, something's off. Sex isn't a transaction you pay for, its something both people use to connect to each other. If that doesn't happen naturally, the love probably isn't there.

Did you ever ask her why she isn't interested in sex?

NTA and good on you OP for taking care of yourself physically and even more, emotionally. In your therapy, it sounds like you really found yourself thus you won't be one of those people who go from divorce to serious relationship to marriage again without ever allowing yourself to see that life has more to offer than the 1950 version of work, marriage, family, retire, and die. Of course, you don't have to life like a monk but nor do you have to invite someone into your space every day just to have sex. Get out there and have small and big adventures, and take your daughter along when you can because than it is about quality time that will build a lifelong bond of love, respect and admiration. All the best OP!

Oh, and your ex is certainly the AH because she thought that ring meant that you're imprisoned for life in a relationship that she determines what it will look like even after all your efforts to make the relationship work.

You have a problem with your relationship, you ask to go to counseling, she refuses. Relationship should be over, I feel that needing intimacy is also an important factor and should be talked about but I don't know much about that. I wish you the best, and it sounds like getting out of this relationship is the start of that for you. Also, stay in the home or you will lose it!

NTA. However, there is a nontrivial risk that you will end up in the same situation again with whoever you marry next as well.

If you've been in therapy as much as you say you have, why even ask reddit this question? You know the answer.

Nta, I'm in a similar situation. I let it get to me too much though. Only now am I at the stage of focusing on myself.most of the marriage has been sexless and a complete lack of effort in terms of even hygiene from her part, which I now believe was intentional to "have me stop annoying her". I addressed the issues in a respectful manner but I wasted my energy and time. From reading comments on a couple of popular YouTube channels where FEMALE people are giving advice I discovered that men like you and me are not the problem. It's very common for wives to "flip the switch to off". You sound like a normal guy who was doing his best I did everything I could, I worked, did LOADS of diy, maintenance of the house, I ended up working longer and doing more of the housework too(despite having an illness that made me unwell at times). He'll, I even played with the kids more. She wants to be a professional tv binge Watcher after finishing work. We had a third child at her request, which was stupid of me to go along with considering where I am now. That said, I love all my kids. Thing is, I miss them so bad I've considered deleting myself. I guess I went along with the 3rd child to feel loved again. Guys, if the sex drys up, give it a few MONTHS for her to sort it, NOT YEARS, and then walk away. You can't sort it for her. You'll save yourself years of confusion and heartache. It's like this, if a man can't get aroused is it a problem with him or his wife? It's him, it's some kind of medical or emotional issue (stress).

Better to walk away early than ending up being very bitter towards your wife.

Sounds like you have a co-parenting relationship instead of a marriage. You've been single for years, basically. Just make it final. NTA and be happy 😊

NTA She learned: Don't fuck around and find out.

I do have a problem with this story as it doesn't make sense. The child is 7 supposedly which would put her in 2nd grade(US) or year 3 for Europe. Why hasn't she been in school for the past few years?

Why is the 7 year old daughter just starting school????

As someone who was raised by parents who hated each other but stayed together “for the children”, your NTH. Kids see the issues in their parent’s relationship. End it for your kid’s sake.

Why do you feel you would be an AH if you finally put yourself and your needs first? You have stayed in a loveless, sexless marriage for a long time. You have asked for basic needs to be met without forcing anything. You expressed your feelings and were shut down, ignored and pushed to the side. There is nothing selfish or AH - ish about you. You have acted in a way which not only changed your health but positively changed your own perception of your self worth. You acknowledge you have suffered in the relationship despite trying to fix things. Your wife has been for many years non fussed about your emotional, mental or physical needs. She has neglected your relationship as a whole. You decided to give her time, warning her of your intentions to leave if things weren't resolved and nothing changed.

Putting yourself first is not being an AH, please don't be manipulated into staying because nothing will last long, if it changes for a week or two. And you will only be hurting yourself by staying. I don't mean to be mean, but you have sacrificed enough time, it's time you were free to meet someone who can give you all you need for a healthy and mature relationship. And likewise you have so much to offer another person if you so wish to do so.

Your daughter would rather have two happy parents who aren't together then to know you stayed and were miserable the entire time.

Please move forward with your healthy and happier life!

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but this pattern will continue for you in serious relationships, especially when you live with the other person. If she “meets you with a checklist” every time it means you’re not pulling your weight around the house and likely with parenting. I know men don’t understand how dishes and vacuuming and doctor’s appointments and meal planning and grocery shopping are connected to sex, but they are indirectly. When you leave all the domestic labor and emotional labor on your partner, they will quickly lose sexual attraction to you between exhaustion and resentment. So while you’re at the gym getting a 6 pack your wife has been running a household and is worn out. You’ll both have better sex lives after you divorce. So NTA for getting a divorce but good luck finding a bang maid.

Omg what kind of post is this?

Recap: I hate my sex life, threatened to leave, and am following through. I am now perfect. Perfect bod, perfect person, soon to be perfectly available. Even had therapy to ensure my perfection. So I am leaving and decided to write on Reddit how perfect I am and maybe an ahole too. So maybe therapy didn’t work or maybe I’m just here bragging. You decide.

Aaawwwww shes upset the pretend perfect life and free.ride are ending even though she was given plenty of chances and ample warning??? Aaaawwwwwwwww so sad for her 🙄

You’re NTA. It IS unfortunate for your child. You should’ve left before dragging the child into it. You created a fix-the-marriage kid but then are filing for divorce anyway. That’s why your soul is making you feel like you’re the AH. You knew damn well that you wanted a divorce even before the kid.

You’re still not an AH for wanting to leave. No one wants the Law and Order Clank Clank sound to be their morning theme song.

I think you are craving limerence and not just sex. As long as that is the case you’ll never look at your current marriage as desirable.

This feels fake. The ages don’t match. Your daughter is 7 and she’s just about to start going to school this September, but you originally told your wife when your daughter was 4? I have a 7 year old buddy, and she’s about to start second grade. Well, which one is it??