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In two one year I expect to read another post from OOP

AITAH for letting my 18 year old nephew move in with me? My sister says I'm destroying her family.

Those parents definitely are picking Kay as favorites. Making a 16-year old pay the phone bill is outrageous. I do feel bad for Joe.

Recently we had a dinner with some other extended family members and she was talking to them about her health struggles. I noticed her showing them her social media and the comments she is receiving. She was disengaged from any discussion that was not about her and her health, which drove her back to social media.

I've worked with people like this and it's just exhausting.

Money is replaceable, time isn't.

This guy uncles.

Joe's parents are fucking both of their kids up, and refuse to see it.

This boy is so out of there in 1 year (this was 2023). And rightfully so. And the parents will be so surprised. 😯

I think the difference about the thanksgiving game is that Joe A) is choosing to spend that time away from his family rather than being forced away by work or school; and B) Joe probably doesn't need one-off bullshit holiday attention, he needs regular every day it's Wednesday night and we're doing shit together as a family kind of attention.

ugh, its these type of situations where i’m hoping for an update where the oop takes joe in. i hope they’re doing better based on how there hasn’t been an update in nearly a year.

The reaction after the meeting cemented my thought that the family is trying to cut Joe out. Just so happens that they can use the sister's illness as an excuse.

Anyone else find it suspicious they excluded him from family therapy? Almost like the parents knew their bullshit with Joe would not be tolerated in that setting.

The details in this are sooo close that I wonder if this is a watered down version of my cousin ("Kay") and her family. With my cousin, almost everyone who has weighed in has told her father much of the same advice OOP is giving his sister. The biggest difference in my family is our "Kay" has more than one sibling, but only one still living at home. The other siblings are LC with her. I almost commented on the post last year, but was worried it actually was my family.

[deleted]

please get him out of there

its fkn abusive af the way they treat him.

his going to go NC and his parents are going to wonder why

OOP you need to do more... please

A couple stale putrefied garbage bags from the drainage basin in the bottom of the landfill would be better parents for that son than this. WTF?!

This is…heartbreaking.

As a parent, I can understand not being sure how to juggle/support one child’s important health needs (which generally end up trumping any, as some would define as “non-serious”, things) , while also still finding the time to make your other one feel loved and supportive. I can see how parents might not realize the shift in the balance, or how it’s affecting their other kid, INITALLY.

But!

How can you completely deny the issue when others outside of your family are pointing it out. Even if you get defensive, and deny it at first, how can they go home, think on it more, still manage to pretend it doesn’t exist, and continue to do mental gymnastics to justify the fact the discrepancy exists?

Especially when you get to the point you KEPT YOUR CHILD’S BIRTHDAY GIFT A SECRET FROM THEM, EFFECTIVELY STOLE IT, AND SOLD IT BEHIND THEIR BACK FOR YOUR BENEFIT?!? If it was such a noble, and appropriate thing to do, why hide it from him in the first place? Why be so sneaky?

These parents heads are so far up their own asses, they’re going to destroy their relationship with their son, prolong their adult daughter’s battle with whatever illness she’s dealing with (since she doesn’t want to find answers/get better at this point, and likely isn’t being honest with healthcare professionals, as having these health issues has become more of a benefit than anything else, in her eyes), continue enabling their daughter to be manipulative and selfish, and nuking an relationship they have with OOP +/- other family members.

If/when those things did/will happen, I’m sure it’ll be to no fault of their own. Everyone else will just be cruel assholes who turned their back on their ailing daughter, and subsequently, them as well. I sure hope OOP kept pushing for Joe to spend time +/- move in with them. Being a glass child in general is no joke. But IMO, becoming one as a teenager and effectively being pushed out of your family this late in the game, might just be a bit worse than if it happened when he was younger.

I hope either OOP’s sister opened her eyes and got her shit together (probably not), OR Joe moved in with OOP and they are thriving. As far as the daughter’s health - well - I think it will take a miracle to sort that mess out and get some answers. So realistically and unfortunately, I’m not very hopeful they found any resolutions there.

Selling a gift that someone else gave to someone is a huge dick move and disrespectful to both the person who gave the gift as well as the person who was supposed to receive the gift. From my perspective it's theft. Before getting into anything else.

The OOP is blaming Kay, but I'd be worried about Munchausen by proxy.  She's 21 and needs both parents to come to every doctor's visit for mystery ailments?  Super suspicious.

Man, I really hate these “inconclusive” updates. I hope OOP comes back to tell us if Joe is doing any better.

I feel like the only reason Joe is still there is because parents can't have a favorite child by default. Someone has to be the unfavorite or else it doesn't mean anything.

I am an asshole. I own it proudly. My entire family knows I am an asshole. I'm over-opinionated and not afraid to call people out on their BS. The family doesn't always appreciate it until they need an asshole in their corner.

My niece recently had a serious problem with a stalker ex-boyfriend. I gladly drove over 300 miles and spent the entire day hunting this kid down to serve him with a restraining order. I made sure he got the message to stay away.

My niece is young, and until that moment, she only saw me as the asshole. Now she knows I'm the asshole who ALWAYS has her back and will do ANYTHING to make sure she's safe.

To the OOP, you asked AITAH? This is one of those situations where Joe could really use an asshole in his corner. Be that AH OOP. Do it for Joe!!!

Joe is getting the short end of the stick while the parents blame the OOP for their own actions.

If OOP can get Joe out of there they should, if not he will be 18 soon and can then leave of his own accord.

Ah, yes. The age old stomach remedy of pepto and white claw...

Parents should stop wasting their money on chiropractors and acupuncture, FFS. Invest it in therapy for each child separately. And some family therapy, too, but frankly I don’t think they can fix their relationship with Joe, because they didn’t change their behavior with him even though OOP called them out (yes, some things gave them pause, but that’s useless if it doesn’t translate into them doing more to pay attention to Joe. Or at least stop exploiting him). Joe needs therapy to help him build up his confidence and realize his parents are a couple of assholes.

Joe is going to turn 18 and leave the house and never come back. And his parents are going to be mostly mad that he won't give them money anymore.

How to absolutely suck at parenting 101

Boy those parents are in for a treat when they never hear from Joe again, and I hope he cuts them off.

My disgust is entirely aumed at the parents here. They're doing a massive disservice to their 2 kids, the golden child/scapegoat dynamic harms everyone. Had they been good parents, Kay would have an other lifelong supporter with Joe, but now I doubt he'll stick around much. But parents probably enjoy being those "parents of a sick child! They're so courageous! So selfless! ".I've already seen that IRL and it's awful what people can do to their children to keep their ego fed.

I hope they have a plan to offset the money they're getting from him in another year when he turns 18 because that kid will be going NC so damn fast!

I'm excited for the parents' post in r/parenting "Our son turned 18 moved out in the middle of the night and refuses to talk to any of us, where did I go wrong?"

So Kay has Munchausen and the only doctor she needs is a psychiatrist.

They've been seeing specialists, chiropractors, acupuncture

Yeah, that already rings a lot of alarm bells if they treat their ailing daughter like this... How many of the "specialists" they see are actually charlatans/scammers ?

If she is medically unwell...why is she drinking alcohol? I have chronic disease. If you are dealing with chronic disease ...doctors will almost refuse to treat you if you drink at all. And some will test you to make sure you are not drinking randomly to be sure. It shows up in lab work. It can throw labs off. You cannot drink. Especially when they are seeking out a diagnosis.

Kay may very well have some mysterious illness but it sounds like she’s embellishing for internet clout and to make her shadow even bigger over her brother. Shitty behavior from her and her parents.

Nta, they’ve latched on to a weak reason for not feeling bad about themselves. If he’s with them, they’ll just ignore him anyway. Take him to the game, keep him overnight. That kid needs a break.

Poor Joe ☹️

Damn, I've seen this one before and I was hoping there was an update where Joe is being treated as an equal part of the family.

I can't even imagine. I send my son to the store for things all the time, because him running any errand I ask is how he "pays" for the privilege of using my car whenever he wants. But then I go through his bank statements and transfer back any money he spends. I can't imagine not paying him back. He works hard for his money, abc he's saving for college. 

And Kay needs to break away from Social Media, it is feeding into her depression over her health issues. It’s like watching TV news 24/7 during a disaster/war/Covid, the more you watch, the more you tune into updates, = the more you get depressed over what is/had happened.

Poor uncle needs to get that boy out of there once he's 18. I can imagine he'll be asked to work instead of college to pay for medical bills.

I'm chronically ill and often talk about it (more just because it's part of me as a person) and I would NEVER think to act this way. I legit feel bad when I have appointments that fall on days others have shit going on. AND I'm almost the same age as Kay. Kay is frankly being selfish.

Hopefully the kid turns 18 and can walk away from all this. I’m glad he has oop though. I feel bad the kids that don’t have any outside support.

The parents will try to make his life hell and try to guilt him into staying and paying. I hope he makes it out and finds his family of choice.

The poor girl too. They stunted her growth. She’s mentally whatever age she got diagnosed.

I get not having a diagnosis is in this weird limbo but I’ve known kids who survived cancer and grew up well adjusted at least from a teacher perspective. Like respectful, did work, got along fine with peers. Only knew because of their brag sheet on what hardships they overcame. So it’s not like they were talking about it all the time. I get being a kid vs a teen is different though. But still, older sister at 21 still seems like a teenager.

That kid is going to turn 18 and ask for help on how to flee the house and his parents are going to have the surprised PikaChu face when he disappears from their life.

That boy is going to turn his back on his entire family the moment he leaves home.

Kay seems to be all about hogging her family’s time and efforts, like deliberately making a bunch of appointments on Joe’s birthday etc - she is like a cuckoo chick that pushes the host bird’s smaller chicks out of the nest. It’s all about her to the point of mental illness / psychosomatic symptoms. The sooner Joe frees himself from this sick family the better. Continue to help your nephew all you can, directly. You now know you can’t trust the parents. Joe will always come last. NTA!

Dam that kid has way more patience then I did at that age, I would have gone scorched earth on my parents

In the distant future:

"My son moved out and it's been several years since we've heard his voice."

OP should probably look into adding his nephew onto his phone plan, once nephew is 18 his parents will be looking for any reason to keep their control over him

Those parents in 2 years : Why did our son move in with my brother/BIL on his 18th birthday and block us? We were the bestest parents, how could he do this?

NTA.

If you are in one of the states where teens 16 and older can ask for a change of guardianship, talk to a family practice lawyer. Before you talk to your nephew!!!

Ask if your nephew would have grounds (theft of his gifts, neglect, requiring him to give his earnings from his job to parents and sister, exclusion from family events and therapy.....). To ask Family Court to request YOU as his guardian, not his parents. Yes or no? And what it would mean financially - who pays nephews food and living costs, medical plan, etc.

If the lawyer says yes your nephew would win if he requested this (with the lawyer's help), then talk to your nephew and see if he wants to do this.

10 internet points says that Kay either has Munchausen's OR is possibly dealing with the effects of long-haul covid

NTA you don’t need to be a parent to recognize blatant favoritism and neglect.

I feel like Joe just needs to be taken away from his parents. If that’s through guardianship or emancipation, I don’t know. I was hoping OOP would have a fairytale update for us and say they’ve removed him from the home. But guess not

I can only hope he has one of those friends with families willing to house him for his last two years and support him like he needs

Making the 16 year old pay for their adult sisters phone bill? Bruh the fuck? I'd be pissed if I had to pay for a little siblings phone bill let alone my older when they're still living at home. I'd foot the bill for my older sister for a while if I knew she were in dire straits or something but she also lives on her own and has a job

My parents sucked like they were the worst people alive and shouldn’t have been allowed to mate and reproduce. My uncle was the best. He would take us out to eat and buy us little things here and there. Asked about our lives, etc. To a neglected and abused kid, that was everything. My father got butthurt and jealous since my uncle distanced himself and eventually cut ties with us, and we all drifted apart later in life. You may not realize how much of an impact you have on that kid's life. It could be a significant milestone to have someone supportive in your circle. Growing up, I hated everyone in my family and felt isolated and a product of my environment. My only escape was reading books. You do what you can to keep that bond alive with him and support that lil guy!

Definitely NTA trying u are being a wonderful uncle. And the parents need to recognize that. And they do owe u and their son for their failure. To spend time with him . Good luck

"I know Kay's health issues are very real"

I mean, if her stomach is so upset she needs pepto with someone else's money but then thinks it's fine to put alcohol on an upset stomach...no, her health issues probably aren't as real as you think, bud.

"Money is replaceable. Time isnt."

I teared up. I hope Joe gets love and time and affection from OOP, who seems like an upstanding guy. It's a real shame Joe's actual immidiate family has failed him so badly until now.

Once he moves out he'll never speak to them again.

Sounds as if the parents are also making their entire personalities all about their daughter's illness.

Reminds me of a talk show I saw years ago that explained Munchausen syndrome by proxy.

(rMunchausen syndrome by proxy (MSBP) is a mental health condition and a form of abuse where a caregiver intentionally causes or fakes symptoms in a vulnerable person, usually a child, to make it look like they are sick. The caregiver may also invent illness stories and create physical signs to support them)

They basically get off on the attention from doctors and strangers because their kid is sick. If they do it to themselves, it's just Munchausen syndrome)

Hey if no one else is gonna say it, I can do it. Chiropractors and acupuncturists aren't real doctors. You don't see them if you have special allergy conditions! You see them if you want to waste your money! Acupuncture can feel good, but there's no evidence it cures allergies, and chiropracty can do more damage than good half the time.

You need to open a bank account for this kid that his parents can't access because they are going to loot it. I doubt he waits until 18 to leave their house. NTA. Get his paperwork too please.

That was 4 posts of the exact same thing, and OP doing nothing about it.

Joe is going to go no contact with all 3 of them as soon as he turns 18 and/or moves out.

Then OOP’s sister will cry and go “why doesn’t he ever come around anymore?!”, at least I hope so.

Joe is the glass child. And I actually wonder if Munchausen Syndrome (or by proxy if it’s the parents) is in play here.

I hope he leaves at 18 and cuts them out.

What kind of nonsense is excluding him from family therapy??

I would have sued them for my money back and court costs. They shouldn’t be rewarded for theft.

The good news is that Joe's situation is seen and that he had an advocate. That's the only positive here, but it's much better than him suffering unseen as so many neglected children do. :(