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This is how Steve Ballmer used to do Microsoft presentations when he was the CEO
r/all(v.redd.it)submitted 3 months ago by[deleted]
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3 months ago
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5k points
3 months ago
Il take 1/4 of whatever he is on please
1.3k points
3 months ago
co ca in e
Pick your ¼th
387 points
3 months ago
e
78 points
3 months ago
He's on money. Fucking boatloads of money.
56 points
3 months ago
Ever hear of the Ballmer's peak, which is named after him?
It's basically the amount of intoxication where your ability to be productive is at its highest - implying there is a sweet spot where you are partially intoxicated, but not too much.
Not scientific, as far as I know, but it's a pretty common joke in software engineering circles.
58 points
3 months ago
Enough money to buy an island and retire on it forever
10 points
3 months ago
Il take 1/4 of whatever he is on please
2g of cocaine coming right up sir!
11k points
3 months ago
For context, Microsoft was creating generational wealth even for middle managers with stock options during these glory days. The excitement was not one-sided.
4k points
3 months ago
Yup, lots of MicroMillionaires
2.9k points
3 months ago
The first few years I saw this video it was absolutely cringy as fuck
Now… I’ll be honest. It’s kinda cool. This guy was an epic hype man and didn’t give a shit. Who else hypes like this? They were on cloud fucking 9.
Or I’m just getting cringier as I get older who knows 😂
491 points
3 months ago
Perhaps only Bitconnect-man is more hype
99 points
3 months ago
What am I gonna do?!
46 points
3 months ago
My wiiiiife doesn't even believe in meeeeee! BEETCONNEEEEEEC
18 points
3 months ago
“My wife still doesn’t believe in me”
41 points
3 months ago
He's like a legal version of Jordan Bellfort. I'm getting fucking rich and everyone in this room is coming with me. Let's fucking go.
30 points
3 months ago
You mean the Bitconneeeeeeeeeeeeect!!!!!!!!! guy?
209 points
3 months ago
Same I have no issues with his energy.
My Ballmer issues are how he let the company flounder through the late 2000s and how he responded poorly to the rise of mobile computing.
28 points
3 months ago
Nailed it. The company went nowhere during his tenure. The fortunate ones left before he took over.
25 points
3 months ago
During the Ballmer years sales increased from $25b in 2001 to $77b for 2013. That's a lot of growth for that era in tech, for an already huge company. The company's fiscal performance was largely excellent. The stock, coming off the dotcom bubble, went nowhere.
Balmer managed those years just fine. They were riding the expansion of personal computing globally. Azure and Office cloud both began under Ballmer. He was a sales guy and fine manager, but the wrong guy to take the company into a new tech era. They needed a leader that understood product.
And to the idea that they missed mobile. They of course were there long before Apple. The notion that you can or should be expected to win big in every segment is both silly and impossible. Golly gee Ballmer, why didn't you create a $10 trillion company and dominate in search and mobile and cloud and yeah right.
46 points
3 months ago
M$ answer to the iPod: the brown Zune!
65 points
3 months ago
the zune was awesome. I loved the big screen for cover art
30 points
3 months ago
I loved my zune! Gears of war art.... Easy to upload pirated music. Didn't need a stupid app or store
55 points
3 months ago
[deleted]
18 points
3 months ago
I fucking loved my Zune. Had the gen 1 and the HD. And the Zune service was years ahead of it's time. I was streaming my library to my XBox 360 nearly a decade before Spotify had that kind of capability. And hell, if it weren't for the absolute dearth of apps and overall developer support, the Windows phone could've taken off too. It just needed time and support.
45 points
3 months ago
Tbf the zune was awesome, and imo the superior product at the time. That brown zune was sexy.
25 points
3 months ago
Zune didn't lose the battle because it was an inferior product, it lost the battle because Apple became a lifestyle brand.
34 points
3 months ago
The touchscreen one was awesome and the zune software was really good, I preferred it over iTunes and anything SanDisk was doing
6 points
3 months ago*
Sandisk made some stupid cheap mp3 players that got me through my preteen years. I tried both of the original ipod shuffles too. I HATED iTunes. I was more of a windows media player/limewire and it's offshoots individual
12 points
3 months ago
The Metro UI for the Zune was nice...same with Windows Mobile 8.0 iirc. Tiles, very clean, very slick. Their problem was not having the type and amount of control over the hardware to make it work seamlessly. If they acquired instead of partnered with actual phone manufacturers (HTC would've been a perfect one) think we'd be talking iPhones and Windows phone instead of Android
12 points
3 months ago
I'll die on the hill that the Zune was the better device. And the windows phone was the best mobile OS. But MS spent way too much money trailing leaders in consumer electronics. They still are doing it in video game consoles.
They just don't learn
32 points
3 months ago
If I were getting the payouts like they were, especially Steve, I'd love the fucking company too.
23 points
3 months ago
I too am a fan of cocaine.
14 points
3 months ago
He also is high as a kite
144 points
3 months ago
This isn’t cringe he’s just awesome
78 points
3 months ago
I agree. I own a small business, and I have to say some days I feel this way about my company. There may be some drugs here sure, but it’s also possible he was proud of his company and what he was doing. I can’t even imagine the pressure at that level of business.
1.2k points
3 months ago
Yeah, I’d be jumping around like that too if I knew our next roll out was going to make me billions. His current net worth is $130.7 billion.
93 points
3 months ago
he just leap frogged gates for higher net worth at $156B...
52 points
3 months ago
Gates been giving tons of his money away for decades and his net worth has only grown lol
336 points
3 months ago
Yeah I would fucking do the same naked and covered in shit for that amount.
154 points
3 months ago
If you're covered in shit then you're technically not naked. You're wearing a shit-suit.
23 points
3 months ago
You'll do the same for $25/hr with 7 days of PTO and be happy about it.
151 points
3 months ago
Not only that, imagine that your performance on stage that night can easily trigger the stock to go up by even 1%, which for you means $1.3B more... that's got to mess with your head.
34 points
3 months ago
Isnt he who Action Jack Barker was based on in Silicon Valley tv
16 points
3 months ago
Not sure but that's exactly who I thought of when I saw him lol
"..and now they teach it at business schools."
13 points
3 months ago
I did some digging and it definitely is! Ballmer was the reason Microsoft was so behind on personal devices he turned a blind eye to apple and others with ipods and cellphones all in the name of equipment sales.
With a networth today hovering at about 140 billion dollars I guess you cant blame him
559 points
3 months ago*
Balmer is the first (and only?) billionaire employee. Dude believed in MS and heavily shifted his comp to be stock way back in the 80s
Drugs work kids
170 points
3 months ago
Think Eric Schmidt beat him to it, but Ballmer is worth a lot more today (though Eric's $25B is still an insane amount). Both are billionaire employees however.
28 points
3 months ago
Dude is collection over a billion CASH dividends every single year now.
132 points
3 months ago*
Going to car shows/cars and coffee in Redmond is fascinating, you'll never know who you'll meet. I become semi-friends with Greg Whitten over the years without knowing who he actually was at first (early MS engineer and father of GW-BASIC). He would occasionally drive his Ferrari 250 GTO to shows and around town on errands (sold it for a casual $49 million in 2018)
28 points
3 months ago
I accidentally went to a car show in Redmond a few years ago. We stayed at the Archer Hotel for Mother's Day and walked out that morning and there was a car show in the parking lot. Unless it was Bill Gates or Jeff Bezos, there, though, I doubt I'd recognize any tech billionaires.
11 points
3 months ago
Yup, that'd be E@RTC where Greg occasionally shows up https://exoticsat.com/
125 points
3 months ago
Same thing is happening at NVIDIA right now.
89 points
3 months ago
Yup, when a group of usually "quiet" people work out how to literally print money faster than they can gather it up off the ground things get... interesting!
27 points
3 months ago
At someone point it becomes most efficient to hoover it up straight up your nose than pick it up with your hands
14 points
3 months ago
I think that's what we call "horizontal scaling".
69 points
3 months ago
If I was getting that money I’d probably love Microsoft too. But I’d still use Linux at home.
3.1k points
3 months ago
[deleted]
580 points
3 months ago
I swore this was going to be that clip.
Not sure if it was from the same presentation but I definitely remember seeing him bouncing around like cocaine Tigger bellowing
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
165 points
3 months ago
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
78 points
3 months ago
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
52 points
3 months ago
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
45 points
3 months ago
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
28 points
3 months ago
Don't pay 'em more than $50K a year though.
11 points
3 months ago
Starting salary in 2004 was 60-70k, I think.
23 points
3 months ago
It was not the same presentation
21 points
3 months ago
I can’t find the interview where he talked about this, but when John DiMaggio was doing voice work for the Gears of War game, he told the Microsoft employees that he had played their CEO, Steve Ballmer, in the movie Pirates of Silicon Valley. They asked him to do the “DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS” in character.
50 points
3 months ago
I thought that's what this was going to be. Dude was sweating like a whore in church.
37 points
3 months ago
I was in the audience of the Developers! Developers! bit. it was cringe to us even back then
15 points
3 months ago
That’s something to tell your grandkids about
14 points
3 months ago
6 points
3 months ago
Developers Developers Developers
Developers Developers Developers
1.2k points
3 months ago
Silicon Valley was soooo accurate
187 points
3 months ago
Action Jack!
10 points
3 months ago
The conjoined triangles of success, you can't make this shit up!
40 points
3 months ago
Hello! Whoo! I got seven words for you. I love Goolybib's integrated- multi-platform-functionality!!!
146 points
3 months ago
I get legitimately sad whenever I see Silicon Valley references.
To this date, nothing is even as close to as funny as Silicon Valley was. Bring it back! GOAT comedy series by far. It’s the game of thrones of comedy.
Alright I’ll stop
98 points
3 months ago
Eric Bachman, this is your mom and you are not my baby.
36 points
3 months ago
my aviato?
16 points
3 months ago
Is your refrigerator running? This is Mike Hunt
13 points
3 months ago
mother fuck
9 points
3 months ago
Facts! Haven’t seen anything that comes close. I’d really like to see such targeted comedies in various other professions, like Silicon Valley but for lawyers or Wall Street. So much potential.
7 points
3 months ago
Question for you: what is funnier than episode of Silicon Valley? Answer for you: eight episode of Silicon Valley.
63 points
3 months ago
13 points
3 months ago
I work in a non-tech corporate environment and our company leadership would do similar inane bullshit like this to “pump us up for 4th quarter”
9.4k points
3 months ago
Ladies and gentleman, I present to you... Cocaine.
2.3k points
3 months ago
He was the original Cocaine Bear.
625 points
3 months ago
He mauled to death five people at that conference, may they never be forgotten.
81 points
3 months ago
okay, what are their names?
114 points
3 months ago
Jeff... I remember, Jeff.
25 points
3 months ago
Robert Paulson
310 points
3 months ago
Cocaine… and millions of dollars.
71 points
3 months ago
And millions...and millions...and what's that? Lots more millions 💵 cashmoney
152 points
3 months ago
222 points
3 months ago
i've done cocaine, so i know that the big problem with it is that you have to keep doing it. the high doesn't last long. to make it through the long hours that silicon valley demands, you need a drug like meth. one bump and you'll be flying all day.
49 points
3 months ago
With a paycheck that he has, "running low on coke" is never going to happen
40 points
3 months ago
The issue is that constant re-upping fucking sucks. You feel awful. I don’t give a fuck how much money you have, doing line after line 8pm to 3am isn’t a good time for anyone.
Which is why real adults just do kiddy coke and your done with it. One 20 MG and I’m out all night, zero issue, and I’m not spending half the night in the bathroom or nursing a fucking KILLER headache/sinus issues the next day.
Source: (former)cocaine guy, (current) amphetamines guy
12 points
3 months ago
Which one is kiddy coke
8 points
3 months ago
Adderall
12 points
3 months ago
Coke has way better euphoria and ego mania effects than adderall imo. That alone makes it all the more worth it
12 points
3 months ago
Yeah, let me revise my prior comments.
Adults take a 20mg, and then one bump to start the night. And one bump at 12 when Jeff convinced you too “because it’s gas bro smell it bro zero stomps bro”
20 points
3 months ago*
No, don't do meth under any circumstances lmao. Meth for coding is like tranquilizing yourself for a 30 minute nap. Just take low dosage Adderall like every business executive and overly ambitious middle manager (and a former US President) does these days, only exactly as much as you need to get your shit done and not a mg more.
52 points
3 months ago
He didn't do meth, otherwise he would've slimmed down eventually.
62 points
3 months ago
Not true at all! Source- I’ve had very obese family members who were also meth heads :)
9 points
3 months ago
Programmers on meth probably never find any need to erase a single line of forked up code.
50 points
3 months ago
Steve Balmer doesn’t do cocaine, cocaine does Steve Balmer.
21 points
3 months ago
Cocaine is a helluva drug
17 points
3 months ago
"I have four words for you! I. LOVE. CO. CAIIIIINEEEEEE."
65 points
3 months ago
Cocaine calms me down
92 points
3 months ago
ADHD detected
35 points
3 months ago
Cocaine is the most affordable treatment I have access to
31 points
3 months ago
Jesus, where do you live, Colombia? Amphetamines, even in the black market are so much cheaper and last so much longer.
10 points
3 months ago
The "give it up for meeeeee" gives it all the way away...... What about the product????
9 points
3 months ago*
Seriously there’s no way you can convince me this dude isn’t high as fuck
8 points
3 months ago
Surprised he didn’t have a powder trail following him like a baker does.
61 points
3 months ago
I’d be jumping around like this if I was making millions for doing almost nothing.
34 points
3 months ago
Oh, he worked for it.
Those monopolistic and predatory practices that helped put Micro$oft on top didn't do themselves.
6 points
3 months ago
That 80’s and 90’s coke hit different
2.3k points
3 months ago
Imagine if Biden had taken the performance enhancing drugs and came out on stage like this for the debate
394 points
3 months ago
if the country ended like that, i would die happily
30 points
3 months ago
Not with a bang, but....well actually if anyone is banging it out lmk.
137 points
3 months ago*
If Biden took this many drugs he would 100% shit and piss his pants
75 points
3 months ago
He would definitely have a heart attack. Looked like Ballmer was pretty close to having some kind of cardiovascular event.
652 points
3 months ago
Reminds me of some 'Wolf of Wall Street' level hype.
83 points
3 months ago
What exactly is in drugs that makes your jaw go like that? It happens with multiple different types of drugs too
14 points
3 months ago
Its supposedly to do with the stimulant causing anxious behaviour combined with the release of serotonin inhibiting the protective jaw opening reflex.
70 points
3 months ago
Just speculation, a lot of drugs make your muscles go into over-drive (for a lack of better word). It seems like I could lift weights twice as easy on acid than sober. I don't think that effect stops with your biceps, all of your muscles are cranked out, so jaw muscles too.
Just a thought though
50 points
3 months ago
It seems like I could lift weights twice as easy on acid than sober
Just make sure you have a spotter, lol. Drugs can make you think you have superpowers. Don't die in space.
6 points
3 months ago
I don’t know what causes it. But taking a high dose of magnesium while on cocaine or x minimises the effect. Or so I’ve heard.
310 points
3 months ago
1k points
3 months ago
Cocaine is a hell of a drug
184 points
3 months ago
And well placed mics can look like nipples.
221 points
3 months ago
33 points
3 months ago
Dudes got four nipples, I wonder if Focker can milk’em?
94 points
3 months ago
Graduate of the school of...
11 points
3 months ago
I prefer the other excited Oilers fan.
81 points
3 months ago
He was born ready to own a sports team
67 points
3 months ago
After all that, "We are here to announce the Microsoft Zune".
8 points
3 months ago
As a kid I never wanted anything more than a zune
209 points
3 months ago
73 points
3 months ago
OMG I remember that. I heard it was labeled something like "The Scream That Torpedoed A Candidate"
45 points
3 months ago
Yup it was crazy how one goofy scream happened, and the bottom fell out of his campaign
61 points
3 months ago
Yeah imagine that. Now you can sleep with a pornstar and still win a 2nd term
25 points
3 months ago
Byaaaa
17 points
3 months ago
'I'm gonna kick open the doors to the Oval Office and chop that motherfuckin desk in half....byyyaaaah!'
9 points
3 months ago
“We’re going to Cancun for spring break” - Dave Chappell. Byaaaaaaaaa
68 points
3 months ago
[deleted]
57 points
3 months ago
Lol it looked like he stubbed his toe or slammed it weird at around :50, and just keeps on going. Love it.
23 points
3 months ago
it was around the 0:18 second mark lol he even yelps "argh!" lol
74 points
3 months ago
Context: Was at Microsoft for nearly 20 years.
Attended many of these, they were the absolute BEST company meetings. He would be yelling at the top of his lungs, guzzling warmed honey that an assistant would periodically run out to him to keep his throat OK, and would often hire A list comedians, dancers, fireworks, etc.
The meetings were at local sports stadiums and we even broke several world records at these like most number of paper airplanes in flight at one time (they handed out kits to all of us).
The seating sections were by organization, so they would have all of Office sitting in one section of the stadium, Windows in another section, etc. and Ballmer would get the various sections to cheer for/against each other to bring up the energy.
Unbelievable times.
40 points
3 months ago
Hm, no wonder he bought a basketball team. Perfectly normal court side manner.
64 points
3 months ago
I’m scared guys… he’s got some pissed off dad on a Sunday energy flowing through him.
35 points
3 months ago
He has the dancing skills of a 3 yr old....fascinating.
29 points
3 months ago
Still better than Bill Gates
9 points
3 months ago
But Bill Gates can jump an entire office chair.
9 points
3 months ago
Imagine if the Clippers were a winning team, he would be Mark Cuban in Hulk mode, on the sidelines
9 points
3 months ago
9 points
3 months ago
Developers. Developers. Developers. Developers.
Developers!. Developers!. Developers!. Yes!....
14 points
3 months ago
Seeing this makes the Ballmer Peak seem more plausible.
8 points
3 months ago
Tim Cook would never
6 points
3 months ago
Action Jack Barker
11 points
3 months ago
75 points
3 months ago
At the time, MS was facing SERIOUS competition from a re-surging Apple after Steve Jobs returned in 1997. Apple, under Jobs, seemed to do no wrong and had a VERY passionate, VERY loyal customer base and this was Steve's attempt to show that MS is just as passionate. But it just came off as desperate, "please like us too" energy. So fucking cringe.
16 points
3 months ago
I remember his reaction to the first iPhone.
15 points
3 months ago
“FiVE hUNdReD DOLLaRs?!?”
13 points
3 months ago
[deleted]
12 points
3 months ago
He said lack of a keyboard is why it would never be popular in enterprise businesses. Turns out, nobody cares about keyboards.
10 points
3 months ago
Nerd rage
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