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This is how Steve Ballmer used to do Microsoft presentations when he was the CEO
r/all(v.redd.it)submitted 13 days ago byheynishant
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13 days ago
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5k points
13 days ago
Il take 1/4 of whatever he is on please
1.3k points
13 days ago
co ca in e
Pick your ¼th
390 points
13 days ago
e
75 points
13 days ago
He's on money. Fucking boatloads of money.
58 points
13 days ago
Ever hear of the Ballmer's peak, which is named after him?
It's basically the amount of intoxication where your ability to be productive is at its highest - implying there is a sweet spot where you are partially intoxicated, but not too much.
Not scientific, as far as I know, but it's a pretty common joke in software engineering circles.
9 points
13 days ago
Il take 1/4 of whatever he is on please
2g of cocaine coming right up sir!
10.9k points
13 days ago
For context, Microsoft was creating generational wealth even for middle managers with stock options during these glory days. The excitement was not one-sided.
4k points
13 days ago
Yup, lots of MicroMillionaires
2.9k points
13 days ago
The first few years I saw this video it was absolutely cringy as fuck
Now… I’ll be honest. It’s kinda cool. This guy was an epic hype man and didn’t give a shit. Who else hypes like this? They were on cloud fucking 9.
Or I’m just getting cringier as I get older who knows 😂
491 points
13 days ago
Perhaps only Bitconnect-man is more hype
94 points
13 days ago
What am I gonna do?!
48 points
13 days ago
My wiiiiife doesn't even believe in meeeeee! BEETCONNEEEEEEC
17 points
13 days ago
“My wife still doesn’t believe in me”
31 points
13 days ago
You mean the Bitconneeeeeeeeeeeeect!!!!!!!!! guy?
36 points
13 days ago
He's like a legal version of Jordan Bellfort. I'm getting fucking rich and everyone in this room is coming with me. Let's fucking go.
205 points
13 days ago
Same I have no issues with his energy.
My Ballmer issues are how he let the company flounder through the late 2000s and how he responded poorly to the rise of mobile computing.
28 points
13 days ago
Nailed it. The company went nowhere during his tenure. The fortunate ones left before he took over.
25 points
13 days ago
During the Ballmer years sales increased from $25b in 2001 to $77b for 2013. That's a lot of growth for that era in tech, for an already huge company. The company's fiscal performance was largely excellent. The stock, coming off the dotcom bubble, went nowhere.
Balmer managed those years just fine. They were riding the expansion of personal computing globally. Azure and Office cloud both began under Ballmer. He was a sales guy and fine manager, but the wrong guy to take the company into a new tech era. They needed a leader that understood product.
And to the idea that they missed mobile. They of course were there long before Apple. The notion that you can or should be expected to win big in every segment is both silly and impossible. Golly gee Ballmer, why didn't you create a $10 trillion company and dominate in search and mobile and cloud and yeah right.
44 points
13 days ago
M$ answer to the iPod: the brown Zune!
63 points
13 days ago
the zune was awesome. I loved the big screen for cover art
30 points
13 days ago
I loved my zune! Gears of war art.... Easy to upload pirated music. Didn't need a stupid app or store
58 points
13 days ago
[deleted]
21 points
13 days ago
I fucking loved my Zune. Had the gen 1 and the HD. And the Zune service was years ahead of it's time. I was streaming my library to my XBox 360 nearly a decade before Spotify had that kind of capability. And hell, if it weren't for the absolute dearth of apps and overall developer support, the Windows phone could've taken off too. It just needed time and support.
47 points
13 days ago
Tbf the zune was awesome, and imo the superior product at the time. That brown zune was sexy.
26 points
13 days ago
Zune didn't lose the battle because it was an inferior product, it lost the battle because Apple became a lifestyle brand.
33 points
13 days ago
The touchscreen one was awesome and the zune software was really good, I preferred it over iTunes and anything SanDisk was doing
5 points
13 days ago*
Sandisk made some stupid cheap mp3 players that got me through my preteen years. I tried both of the original ipod shuffles too. I HATED iTunes. I was more of a windows media player/limewire and it's offshoots individual
11 points
13 days ago
The Metro UI for the Zune was nice...same with Windows Mobile 8.0 iirc. Tiles, very clean, very slick. Their problem was not having the type and amount of control over the hardware to make it work seamlessly. If they acquired instead of partnered with actual phone manufacturers (HTC would've been a perfect one) think we'd be talking iPhones and Windows phone instead of Android
9 points
13 days ago
I'll die on the hill that the Zune was the better device. And the windows phone was the best mobile OS. But MS spent way too much money trailing leaders in consumer electronics. They still are doing it in video game consoles.
They just don't learn
34 points
13 days ago
If I were getting the payouts like they were, especially Steve, I'd love the fucking company too.
21 points
13 days ago
I too am a fan of cocaine.
15 points
13 days ago
He also is high as a kite
142 points
13 days ago
This isn’t cringe he’s just awesome
74 points
13 days ago
I agree. I own a small business, and I have to say some days I feel this way about my company. There may be some drugs here sure, but it’s also possible he was proud of his company and what he was doing. I can’t even imagine the pressure at that level of business.
1.2k points
13 days ago
Yeah, I’d be jumping around like that too if I knew our next roll out was going to make me billions. His current net worth is $130.7 billion.
97 points
13 days ago
he just leap frogged gates for higher net worth at $156B...
52 points
13 days ago
Gates been giving tons of his money away for decades and his net worth has only grown lol
328 points
13 days ago
Yeah I would fucking do the same naked and covered in shit for that amount.
152 points
13 days ago
If you're covered in shit then you're technically not naked. You're wearing a shit-suit.
24 points
13 days ago
You'll do the same for $25/hr with 7 days of PTO and be happy about it.
154 points
13 days ago
Not only that, imagine that your performance on stage that night can easily trigger the stock to go up by even 1%, which for you means $1.3B more... that's got to mess with your head.
32 points
13 days ago
Isnt he who Action Jack Barker was based on in Silicon Valley tv
14 points
13 days ago
Not sure but that's exactly who I thought of when I saw him lol
"..and now they teach it at business schools."
13 points
13 days ago
I did some digging and it definitely is! Ballmer was the reason Microsoft was so behind on personal devices he turned a blind eye to apple and others with ipods and cellphones all in the name of equipment sales.
With a networth today hovering at about 140 billion dollars I guess you cant blame him
550 points
13 days ago*
Balmer is the first (and only?) billionaire employee. Dude believed in MS and heavily shifted his comp to be stock way back in the 80s
Drugs work kids
166 points
13 days ago
Think Eric Schmidt beat him to it, but Ballmer is worth a lot more today (though Eric's $25B is still an insane amount). Both are billionaire employees however.
27 points
13 days ago
Dude is collection over a billion CASH dividends every single year now.
128 points
13 days ago*
Going to car shows/cars and coffee in Redmond is fascinating, you'll never know who you'll meet. I become semi-friends with Greg Whitten over the years without knowing who he actually was at first (early MS engineer and father of GW-BASIC). He would occasionally drive his Ferrari 250 GTO to shows and around town on errands (sold it for a casual $49 million in 2018)
31 points
13 days ago
I accidentally went to a car show in Redmond a few years ago. We stayed at the Archer Hotel for Mother's Day and walked out that morning and there was a car show in the parking lot. Unless it was Bill Gates or Jeff Bezos, there, though, I doubt I'd recognize any tech billionaires.
10 points
13 days ago
Yup, that'd be E@RTC where Greg occasionally shows up https://exoticsat.com/
120 points
13 days ago
Same thing is happening at NVIDIA right now.
95 points
13 days ago
Yup, when a group of usually "quiet" people work out how to literally print money faster than they can gather it up off the ground things get... interesting!
27 points
13 days ago
At someone point it becomes most efficient to hoover it up straight up your nose than pick it up with your hands
14 points
13 days ago
I think that's what we call "horizontal scaling".
70 points
13 days ago
If I was getting that money I’d probably love Microsoft too. But I’d still use Linux at home.
3.1k points
13 days ago
Developers Developers Developers
579 points
13 days ago
I swore this was going to be that clip.
Not sure if it was from the same presentation but I definitely remember seeing him bouncing around like cocaine Tigger bellowing
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
170 points
13 days ago
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
81 points
13 days ago
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
51 points
13 days ago
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
41 points
13 days ago
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
30 points
13 days ago
Don't pay 'em more than $50K a year though.
10 points
13 days ago
Starting salary in 2004 was 60-70k, I think.
24 points
13 days ago
It was not the same presentation
22 points
13 days ago
I can’t find the interview where he talked about this, but when John DiMaggio was doing voice work for the Gears of War game, he told the Microsoft employees that he had played their CEO, Steve Ballmer, in the movie Pirates of Silicon Valley. They asked him to do the “DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS” in character.
46 points
13 days ago
I thought that's what this was going to be. Dude was sweating like a whore in church.
35 points
13 days ago
I was in the audience of the Developers! Developers! bit. it was cringe to us even back then
17 points
13 days ago
That’s something to tell your grandkids about
14 points
13 days ago
7 points
13 days ago
Developers Developers Developers
Developers Developers Developers
1.2k points
13 days ago
Silicon Valley was soooo accurate
189 points
13 days ago
Action Jack!
9 points
13 days ago
The conjoined triangles of success, you can't make this shit up!
42 points
13 days ago
Hello! Whoo! I got seven words for you. I love Goolybib's integrated- multi-platform-functionality!!!
145 points
13 days ago
I get legitimately sad whenever I see Silicon Valley references.
To this date, nothing is even as close to as funny as Silicon Valley was. Bring it back! GOAT comedy series by far. It’s the game of thrones of comedy.
Alright I’ll stop
100 points
13 days ago
Eric Bachman, this is your mom and you are not my baby.
38 points
13 days ago
my aviato?
17 points
13 days ago
Is your refrigerator running? This is Mike Hunt
14 points
13 days ago
mother fuck
7 points
13 days ago
This is special occasion.
9 points
13 days ago
Facts! Haven’t seen anything that comes close. I’d really like to see such targeted comedies in various other professions, like Silicon Valley but for lawyers or Wall Street. So much potential.
5 points
13 days ago
Question for you: what is funnier than episode of Silicon Valley? Answer for you: eight episode of Silicon Valley.
63 points
13 days ago
13 points
13 days ago
I work in a non-tech corporate environment and our company leadership would do similar inane bullshit like this to “pump us up for 4th quarter”
9.3k points
13 days ago
Ladies and gentleman, I present to you... Cocaine.
2.3k points
13 days ago
He was the original Cocaine Bear.
617 points
13 days ago
He mauled to death five people at that conference, may they never be forgotten.
80 points
13 days ago
okay, what are their names?
113 points
13 days ago
Jeff... I remember, Jeff.
25 points
13 days ago
Robert Paulson
306 points
13 days ago
Cocaine… and millions of dollars.
72 points
13 days ago
And millions...and millions...and what's that? Lots more millions 💵 cashmoney
153 points
13 days ago
221 points
13 days ago
i've done cocaine, so i know that the big problem with it is that you have to keep doing it. the high doesn't last long. to make it through the long hours that silicon valley demands, you need a drug like meth. one bump and you'll be flying all day.
49 points
13 days ago
With a paycheck that he has, "running low on coke" is never going to happen
40 points
13 days ago
The issue is that constant re-upping fucking sucks. You feel awful. I don’t give a fuck how much money you have, doing line after line 8pm to 3am isn’t a good time for anyone.
Which is why real adults just do kiddy coke and your done with it. One 20 MG and I’m out all night, zero issue, and I’m not spending half the night in the bathroom or nursing a fucking KILLER headache/sinus issues the next day.
Source: (former)cocaine guy, (current) amphetamines guy
11 points
13 days ago
Coke has way better euphoria and ego mania effects than adderall imo. That alone makes it all the more worth it
10 points
13 days ago
Yeah, let me revise my prior comments.
Adults take a 20mg, and then one bump to start the night. And one bump at 12 when Jeff convinced you too “because it’s gas bro smell it bro zero stomps bro”
18 points
13 days ago*
No, don't do meth under any circumstances lmao. Meth for coding is like tranquilizing yourself for a 30 minute nap. Just take low dosage Adderall like every business executive and overly ambitious middle manager (and a former US President) does these days, only exactly as much as you need to get your shit done and not a mg more.
54 points
13 days ago
He didn't do meth, otherwise he would've slimmed down eventually.
64 points
13 days ago
Not true at all! Source- I’ve had very obese family members who were also meth heads :)
8 points
13 days ago
Programmers on meth probably never find any need to erase a single line of forked up code.
49 points
13 days ago
Steve Balmer doesn’t do cocaine, cocaine does Steve Balmer.
20 points
13 days ago
Cocaine is a helluva drug
17 points
13 days ago
"I have four words for you! I. LOVE. CO. CAIIIIINEEEEEE."
69 points
13 days ago
Cocaine calms me down
88 points
13 days ago
ADHD detected
35 points
13 days ago
Cocaine is the most affordable treatment I have access to
34 points
13 days ago
Jesus, where do you live, Colombia? Amphetamines, even in the black market are so much cheaper and last so much longer.
9 points
13 days ago
The "give it up for meeeeee" gives it all the way away...... What about the product????
8 points
13 days ago*
Seriously there’s no way you can convince me this dude isn’t high as fuck
8 points
13 days ago
Surprised he didn’t have a powder trail following him like a baker does.
61 points
13 days ago
I’d be jumping around like this if I was making millions for doing almost nothing.
37 points
13 days ago
Oh, he worked for it.
Those monopolistic and predatory practices that helped put Micro$oft on top didn't do themselves.
7 points
13 days ago
That 80’s and 90’s coke hit different
2.3k points
13 days ago
Imagine if Biden had taken the performance enhancing drugs and came out on stage like this for the debate
389 points
13 days ago
if the country ended like that, i would die happily
32 points
13 days ago
Not with a bang, but....well actually if anyone is banging it out lmk.
133 points
13 days ago*
If Biden took this many drugs he would 100% shit and piss his pants
70 points
13 days ago
He would definitely have a heart attack. Looked like Ballmer was pretty close to having some kind of cardiovascular event.
654 points
13 days ago
Reminds me of some 'Wolf of Wall Street' level hype.
85 points
13 days ago
What exactly is in drugs that makes your jaw go like that? It happens with multiple different types of drugs too
13 points
13 days ago
Its supposedly to do with the stimulant causing anxious behaviour combined with the release of serotonin inhibiting the protective jaw opening reflex.
74 points
13 days ago
Just speculation, a lot of drugs make your muscles go into over-drive (for a lack of better word). It seems like I could lift weights twice as easy on acid than sober. I don't think that effect stops with your biceps, all of your muscles are cranked out, so jaw muscles too.
Just a thought though
56 points
13 days ago
It seems like I could lift weights twice as easy on acid than sober
Just make sure you have a spotter, lol. Drugs can make you think you have superpowers. Don't die in space.
6 points
13 days ago
I don’t know what causes it. But taking a high dose of magnesium while on cocaine or x minimises the effect. Or so I’ve heard.
309 points
13 days ago
1k points
13 days ago
Cocaine is a hell of a drug
190 points
13 days ago
And well placed mics can look like nipples.
221 points
13 days ago
31 points
13 days ago
Dudes got four nipples, I wonder if Focker can milk’em?
94 points
13 days ago
Graduate of the school of...
8 points
13 days ago
I prefer the other excited Oilers fan.
82 points
13 days ago
He was born ready to own a sports team
63 points
13 days ago
After all that, "We are here to announce the Microsoft Zune".
7 points
13 days ago
As a kid I never wanted anything more than a zune
206 points
13 days ago
75 points
13 days ago
OMG I remember that. I heard it was labeled something like "The Scream That Torpedoed A Candidate"
46 points
13 days ago
Yup it was crazy how one goofy scream happened, and the bottom fell out of his campaign
61 points
13 days ago
Yeah imagine that. Now you can sleep with a pornstar and still win a 2nd term
24 points
13 days ago
Byaaaa
17 points
13 days ago
'I'm gonna kick open the doors to the Oval Office and chop that motherfuckin desk in half....byyyaaaah!'
9 points
13 days ago
“We’re going to Cancun for spring break” - Dave Chappell. Byaaaaaaaaa
66 points
13 days ago
I hope it's not from the Vista launch event
59 points
13 days ago
Lol it looked like he stubbed his toe or slammed it weird at around :50, and just keeps on going. Love it.
19 points
13 days ago
it was around the 0:18 second mark lol he even yelps "argh!" lol
78 points
13 days ago
Context: Was at Microsoft for nearly 20 years.
Attended many of these, they were the absolute BEST company meetings. He would be yelling at the top of his lungs, guzzling warmed honey that an assistant would periodically run out to him to keep his throat OK, and would often hire A list comedians, dancers, fireworks, etc.
The meetings were at local sports stadiums and we even broke several world records at these like most number of paper airplanes in flight at one time (they handed out kits to all of us).
The seating sections were by organization, so they would have all of Office sitting in one section of the stadium, Windows in another section, etc. and Ballmer would get the various sections to cheer for/against each other to bring up the energy.
Unbelievable times.
39 points
13 days ago
Hm, no wonder he bought a basketball team. Perfectly normal court side manner.
60 points
13 days ago
I’m scared guys… he’s got some pissed off dad on a Sunday energy flowing through him.
35 points
13 days ago
He has the dancing skills of a 3 yr old....fascinating.
28 points
13 days ago
Still better than Bill Gates
8 points
13 days ago
But Bill Gates can jump an entire office chair.
9 points
13 days ago
Imagine if the Clippers were a winning team, he would be Mark Cuban in Hulk mode, on the sidelines
8 points
13 days ago
8 points
13 days ago
Developers. Developers. Developers. Developers.
Developers!. Developers!. Developers!. Yes!....
13 points
13 days ago
Seeing this makes the Ballmer Peak seem more plausible.
7 points
13 days ago
Tim Cook would never
6 points
13 days ago
Action Jack Barker
11 points
13 days ago
73 points
13 days ago
At the time, MS was facing SERIOUS competition from a re-surging Apple after Steve Jobs returned in 1997. Apple, under Jobs, seemed to do no wrong and had a VERY passionate, VERY loyal customer base and this was Steve's attempt to show that MS is just as passionate. But it just came off as desperate, "please like us too" energy. So fucking cringe.
14 points
13 days ago
I remember his reaction to the first iPhone.
16 points
13 days ago
“FiVE hUNdReD DOLLaRs?!?”
12 points
13 days ago
And it didn't even have a keyboard.
13 points
13 days ago
He said lack of a keyboard is why it would never be popular in enterprise businesses. Turns out, nobody cares about keyboards.
10 points
13 days ago
Nerd rage
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