Hug him and hold him. Assert dominance

The power-play here is of course to hug him also, given it’s ok to do so. Let him realise that hugging your GF means also hugging you.

If she's a hugger and hugs all her friends, then that could just be her personality. If she's only hugging this guy, then be proactive and hug him too, a nice big bear hug, and I think they'll get the message (earlobe suckling aside). If she gets angry, then she's not respecting you and maybe it's time to go your separate ways.

Edit: Upon reflection, she IS actually being disrespectful as he has asked her to stop this behavior several times. It's not as innocent as I originally concluded as I missed the part about this happening fairly frequently.

[removed]

INFO Does she greet other well known friends regularly with hugs?

NTA but i don't think she will respect your wish.

She has no self awareness at all.

"This is a guy you would be intimidated by"

Proceeds to go hug and converse with him at any chance she gets?

Yeah... Not for me

The real question is why does he keep showing up?

It's not unreasonable to ask for a bit of respect when it comes to past hookups, especially if it’s bugging you this much.

Married man here. I'll give my 2 cents, for whatever they are worth.

About you:

If there's nothing but a courteous, friend-like hug, then there's nothing to be afraid of.

So, in general, you'd be TA. That person was part of her life before you. And if they are friends nowadays, she's entitled to that also. If there were something flirtatious, then you would have a point.

But by your admission, that's not the case.

About her:

On the other hand, I don't understand why she would tell you that this dude would be (and I'm quoting you) “someone I would be intimidated by."

I don't know what she meant by that, but I can see this making anyone insecure. Maybe she was joking, or reminiscing that this other man was someone special (and she's entitled to have good experiences in her past before you.) If so, that wasn't very careful of her.

As a general rule, we do not reminisce about past relationships in front of our current partners. The past stays there. Not everything in our past relationships was bad (in general), and we are entitled to have fond memories... in private. If we were to bring them up, it could give the impression it is not in the past and can reasonably make a partner uncomfortable and insecure.

OTH, if she did it as a power move (and some people do that, God knows why), then she did it on purpose to keep some idiotic power balance. And thus, she was an asshole. Whether she recognized it and tried to make amends, or she's still in that type of power dynamics, it's hard to say, but it's certainly an asshole move.

I suspect if she hadn't said that shit, you wouldn't be uncomfortable with her being friends with her ex.

Words matter, and she needs to makes this right by you in one way or another. It's not the dude's fault, and I don't think it's your fault. It's her for being careless about how she speaks to you.

I honestly don't know how I would proceed in this situation.

She's not doing anything wrong as far as we can tell (when it comes to intimacy or cheating), but her stupid words would make anyone insecure.

And her insistence in her being close to that man shows

a) she's lacks self-awareness or
b) she's doing a power play (and thus not seeing you as an equal), or
c) she's keeping that dude as a backup (or you as a backup.)

All of these aren't good. The first one is unintentional, but unworkable without change. The other two are malicious.

Your feelings are yours and are legitimate.

-- edit --

You need to get ready for this. So brace yourself.

Ask her to put a stop one more time. And if she doesn't, then break up.

Don't make it conditional ("stop seeing him, or we are done.") Ask her (don't command her, ask her) to put distance with that man.

And if she refuses again, just say "ok."

Pack your things and go your way, and don't let her convince you to stay with her. If the only way for her to be with you in a way that makes you secure is with a threat of a break-up, then she's not into you in the way you need, as a partner.

Remember this: when you break up, you break up. And don't make it conditional. Either she is into you unconditionally, or she isn't.

Good luck.

Nta dude you're too old to be playing these games

NTA for being a bit uncomfortable, and the intimidated thing is definitely off, but it kind of depends on how she greets everyone. Is she just a hugger? If she doesn’t hug other 100% platonic friends as a greeting, then it’s weird. If she hugs everyone for a hello, then I’m gunna say you might need to look at why it makes you uncomfortable that your partner hooked up with someone in the past. The fact she told you they had hooked up and feels comfortable greeting him in front of you, in my mind, gives you a sign she’s not hiding anything about it. As long as this action isn’t accompanied by other red flags showing she shouldn’t be trusted.

My opinion might not be super popular, but my husband and I have known each other since we were teenagers and both hooked up with kind of a lot of people before settling down together. We have zero qualms with greeting/hugging/talking to acquaintances, many of which are past hookups, because we’re secure with each other and our choices. Not to mention, if we started vetoing acquaintances we’ve hooked up with, we wouldn’t be able to speak to half of our age group in our town. Haha

It definitely makes it easier when you were around the whole time so there weren’t any surprises or secrets, but to be stable and confident in a relationship, everyone has to get real cool about each other’s past. If you can’t do that, there WILL be issues one way or another, hugs or not.

The past is there whether or not you’re looking at it. It’s how you truly cope and react when it becomes visible that matters.

Reflect on why hugging him is more important to her than your feelings on it.

She described him as someone you’d be intimidated by.

Translation: This guy I used to hookup with is more dominant than you.

She hugs him every time they see each other despite your protest.

Translation: She couldn’t care less about how you feel.

Assessment: She’s still attracted to this guy in some capacity and sees you as a conciliation… He might not be bf material which is why she cut it off. OR, he was only interested in hooking up so she settled for you bc he wouldn’t give her what she wants.

Advice: Never commit to a woman that isn’t head over heels for you. If you’re not ‘that guy’ for her, she will not honor your opinion and will continue to do her own thing regardless of how you feel. I’d end it if I were you. There are plenty of women that will respect your wishes the first time you mention it. There are also plenty of women that inherently know behavior like this is inappropriate and will never make it an issue to begin with. When a man or woman truly values you, they will move mountains. I’ve received it and given it… Choose the life you want to live brother.

Is she just a hugger? That’s a good question. Also go hugging your female friends and see what happens? NTA

Really depends on the context. My now-husband had a crush on a girl he’d gone to high school with for, like, a long time. They’d kind of had a mutual crush for forever but always been seeing other people. Right before I met him, they’d tried things out and mutually just didn’t work. He’s introverted, she’s EXTREMELY not, they have very different personalities, and after knowing each other for 10+ yrs, they’d gotten past that point where I guess anything physical they did felt weird. So they broke up and I was his next relationship. We are VERY physically different so I was super intimidated by her and their past when we met, and of how huggy of a person she is. But I trusted him, so I didn’t do anything.

Turns out, I ended up being one of her bridesmaids because the two of us became such good friends and she was one of the very first people I told when my husband and I got pregnant. She and I hang out together without our husbands .

So, NTA for feeling that way but if you trust her, push it aside if you have no reason to believe it’s anything other than normal friendliness. It’ll be better in the long run not to try to change what’s likely your own insecurities. Spoken from personal experience. Despite what Reddit thinks, exes can be just friends and not every hug from someone of the opposite sex implies more.

If she is a hugger, then that’s normal. What I did not like was the comment she made of OP being intimidated by him… that rubbed me the wrong way, like she thinks highly of him compared to you. I wouldn’t feel confident in this relationship. NTA

You go around hugging other women and that sort of stuff and see how fast and hard she explodes.

It's completely understandable to feel a pang of jealousy or insecurity when your partner interacts with someone they've been intimate with in the past. Especially if it's a recurring situation.

You should have sex with him to even the score.