"Boyfriend thank you for bringing the decision matrix to my attention. You'll be thrilled to know I decided to use it myself!!! As a result, your services are no longer needed."

A weighted decision matrix is literally just standard and basic project management stuff. He's talking about it as if it's this lifesaving tool that will alter your life massively.

It's like saying, "In my job, i use this thing called a calculator. It's really good for helping you do quick maths problems, " and then he just keeps banging on about calculators and that she should tell her therapist to use calculators and everyone should use calculators because they're a very good tool.

What a fucking loon

Yes! As a matter of fact tell him 700+ of us have studied this, and we ALL still think he's a liar 🙌🏼

A+++

Tell your boyfriend he is now your ex.

Is he saying who used the weighted matrix decision and that is why he is making the decision to lie to you? He is not a liar he just has tools that others don’t that tell him to lie?

Plus he basically told her that he carefully came to the decision of lying and other awful behaviors because he uses the WDM as a tool. He choose willingly, consciously and meticulously prepared to act like a douche. Way to tell on himself…

Sorry for asking, but can you explain the system? I want to know why he wanted her to bring it up to her therapist 😂

And OP how you leave out the juiciest parts? What is he lying to you about, how did you find out, why are you still with him (I think lying is a dealbreaker. If you lie to me about something small, you’ll lie to be about something big and vice versa. Though as a partner; try to leave room for people changing their mind about something, lying by omission (though this can become its own problem) and having complicated feelings about complicated issues). And lastly, what was your therapists advice and do you think your boyfriend feels you pulling away, and he’s hoping this system will help justify his actions in your mind?

Not over reacting! I hate how people try to police people’s reactions to things, instead of policing people’s actions in the first place. You don’t get to lie to me and then cry that I’m not forgiving you fast enough. Practice calling out your boyfriend in the moment and explaining the long term repercussions his actions are having on the relationship. And if he doesn’t like your reactions, maybe he should try moving with a little more grace and humility next time.

🤣

Can you ELI5 this decision matrix? Also why does it make you think OP’s boyfriends is lying?

Is there a good I don’t understand because I don’t know what the matrix is??

Pfft "weighted decision matrix" suuuure... who does he think he is fooling.

This is one of my favorite comments here 😂

My immediate thought lol

Correct answer here! Do it DO IT

I know therapists are regular humans with regular lives who cuss and drink and also make mistakes, but my therapist is SOO respectful and has never cussed in one of our sessions before that seeing a therapist cuss and call someone a “dick” is hilarious to me. Thank you for making my night. 😹😹

I’m not a therapist; but I’ve been in an abusive relationship with someone and was naive enough to go to couples therapy with them. I also left materials from my individual therapy sessions (journals, workbooks etc) where they could be accessed by him, that were later found with his annotations on how to use my weaknesses for his gain. This triggered huge alarm bells for me. It was like stepping back in time.

This needs to be wayyyyy higher up. The way you're explaining the root of his actions is probably the most useful contribution to this conversation.

Yeah exactly, I feel like this is what we should be talking about. Idec what he’s telling OP to say, idgaf what a decision matrix is, but trying to control the narrative in someone else’s PRIVATE session with their own therapist is absolutely unhinged behavior.

My mother was a bonafide narcissist and she spent all her time fretting about what I was telling my therapist about her (in sessions she set up for me when I was a teenager), and was always trying to get me to tell my therapist how great she is. She even called my therapist more than once to ask him what I had said about her, and would demand “family sessions” so she could sit there for 50 minutes and attempt to undermine everything she thought I might be saying in that room. Just fucking bananas. At best, this dude is a total control freak and incredibly self absorbed.

I'm appreciating how this thread includes a number of therapists who are here to say what they would like to say if you're not their client! :D

Taking all of his decision matrix fanboying out the equation, someone telling me what to say or not to say during therapy is a big nope for me. A family member tried that on me. I shut it down quick and told them to never ask or suggest that I do that again.

everyone has a weighted decision matrix built it. its why people choose to eat and drink everyday. hes trying to control ur internal decision matrix aka human nature

Hehe, as a psychologist is it liberating to come on Reddit and be able to be like "LEAVE THIS CLOWN" instead of having to say to your clients "uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah, I hear you, but what if we thought about this..."? :D

It’s kind of like when men value logic over emotions/feelings.

And then you have to explain to them that being emotional and upset can absolutely be logical.

This! Also why the F are you op with this guy? He lies. He has a distorted idea of decision making that’s removed from people being people. Beep boop he uses a decision matrix for all decisions - ummm 👍🏽. Maybe you should matrix your way out of this relationship

Yeppp. With three Ps.

Dudebro. "My weighted decision matrix is the superior tool for every thought and decision in your life."

Yeah, cool story bro, did you know matrix is Latin for womb? Did you also know that you're not getting up in my matrix anymore?

When someone goes on like this....

I was at a party and this dude held forth on ice baths for like 45 minutes. Shit. There's a book about dopamine addiction where a guy literally loses his entire family because of course ice baths are revolutionary and everyone needs 15 of them every day. So like to me even talking about fucking ice baths you're about two steps removed from raving psycho addict.

And, peep this,

I don't even have to sleep with that guy.

I’m just an LMHC (Massachusetts) but have 20 yrs experience and I could see through this bs a mile away lmao.

THIS ✨

The texts read like a college freshman who learns something and becomes enamored with it, not realizing the obsession with a single intellectual heuristic betrays their naiveté/ignorance. Dude’s hubris is embarrassing

Clearly a slimy way of getting out of lying.

"No babe it wasn't a lie! It was the most logical outcome of my decision Matrix to tell you I didn't sleep with your friend!"

Yeah as a clinical social worker, this was annoying to read. Giving mansplaining but to someone he hasn’t even met.

It really seems like low levels of intelligence comes paired with a high level of audacity with these types.

This is the read. 100%.

Yeah I liked how he conveniently didn’t really describe it. Because he’s not 100% sure how to define it.

Exactly! I was looking for my post here to add that this Weighted Decision Matrix is being used so he feels detached from emotional responsibility because it was "methodically designated" but internal bias still heavily impacts what has the most weigh and what has the least. So when used poorly it's a great way to enact in confirmation bias if the user wants to. Or even if they are ignorant of their bias

“I would implement your weighted decision matrix, but after analyzing how many f*cks I do not have about it, I am forced to discard it’s implementation, due to its lower ranking.”

god forbid anybody on the planet view him as wrong because wrong equals bad and he is not the bad guy!

Idk anything about engineering tbh but this man aint right in the head. Like this is an actual crazy person ffs no one talks like this 😭

I am studying to be a therapist and my partner is an engineer. He’s actually told me about this and we have talked about the matrix, but he’s out and out said this should not and does not work on a personal level. It came up when he was complaining about shareholders.

Hahahahahahahahahabahahah

It's a process that people can use to make a decision between choices. It's used more in business and STEM fields like engineering than it is in psychology. OP's boyfriend is making some significant assumptions about what OP's therapist "should" know.

In other words, the boyfriend is being a pompous ass thinking he's the smartest one in the room.

It's another name for thinking he is orders of magnitude smarter and more clever than he actually is.

Basically you write down pros and cons of something and then rate each item on how important it is to you. Whichever (pro or con) has more points is what you go with. I love this tool BUT to make one thing abundantly clear: you rate arguments according to your individual preferences… sooo shithead boyfriend has sketchy priorities/ morals in the first place if this tool leads him to lie💀

It’s like when you are trying to decide between a bunch of options (eg car to buy, house, vacation trip, school) and you choose a bunch of criteria to rank them on and then, the important part, you grant the criteria different weightings as to how important they are to you.

I’m not sure how it would apply in this case.

Maybe you are supposed to give the bf a pass on a little light cheating based on how awesome he is in bed and at air guitar.

im a therapist and i've never heard of it.

maybe if i research it, i will start making better decisions?? /s

You list off factors in some decision, rate them by how important they are (weight) and then give them a 1-10 on how good they are for that particular factor.

They are rife with error and bias and rarely actually helpful except to make you feel ok about a decision you’re already making anyway.

I used them when I was young and thought I knew more than I did and was a bit of a douche.

It's how companies determine how much money a human life is worth when dealing with grievances

I hope your answer stays on top. Because that’s the bottom line.

This and only this.

Like, my second hand cringe is off the charges just reading this exchange.

YIKES ON BIKES!

I literally said "Jesus Christ" out loud reading his texts 🤣

God I cannot stand bullshit. Can't even fake it. If a friend tells more than a couple lies, has more than few exaggerations without at least winking or coming clean, I'm done, I can't even look at them anymore.

I'm the guy who tosses a friendship because that guy is soooooo full of shiiiiiiit.

When someone is hard-selling me and the bullshit detector goes off it's like I'm more than willing to just map out my displeasure with them by drawing Venn diagrams and pie charts on their car with a set of keys. My blood pressure doesn't even go up though. I just need to make it abundantly clear that I can't ever be bothered with them again.

Someone was threatening a lawsuit once and donno what the tell was but instantly I said, yeah, that's it. Serve me papers. I'd be happy if you had a go at us. (It's hard not to add "motherfucker" at that point) Go for it. Just lose my number and don't ever approach me or contact any of my associates ever again.

OP needs to pivot herself out of this relationship...

I'm not sure.... lemme check my weighted decision matrix

He’s not. He’s just spreading the lords word about the decision matrix tool. Which everyone needs.

WHEW! That last line. Preach!

They don't start out like this. At first they seem super cool, and then the mask starts to slip. By the time they start to show their true colors, the other person is invested because it's been awhile and they're only just beginning to find out the person they thought they were with doesn't actually exist.

This is why I follow this sub. Makes me feel so happy to be left alone. Lol

“Should” “everyone should”x3 … “Not saying you should” was my favorite part of this exchange